These Wounds We Bear
by nukagirl
Summary: Merlin is missing for 3 weeks. When Arthur founds him he is beaten and broken. On the way back to Camelot they are attacked and Arthur nearly dies. Merlin saves him using Magic but at a cost. It is then Arthur's turn to save Merlin.
1. Chapter 1

Merlin had been missing for almost 3 weeks now.

He had been out hunting with Arthur and Leon when they had been attacked by a group of bandits. These bandits had been known in the area for a while now and Arthur and his knights had tried on many occasions to catch them. They had been kidnapping young men and women and selling them on as slaves.

Arthur and Leon hadn't been wearing their red cloaks or the crest of Camelot so the bandits hadn't recognised them as the Prince of Camelot and the Captain of the Knights. They had attacked without hesitation but Arthur and his keen hearing heard them approaching and was ready. Leon and Merlin had not been.

Arthur and Leon fought hard but there was too many of them. Merlin got hit by an arrow pretty quickly, despite trying his best with a sword. He fell to the ground, nursing his shoulder where the arrow had hit. Arthur saw out of the corner of his eye a huge man standing over Merlin and Arthur felt his blood run cold as the brute slammed the hilt of his sword into Merlin's neck and the smaller man fell down, unconscious.

In his distraction, Arthur got hurt. He hissed in pain as one of the bandits sliced his side open with his sword.

"Sire!" He heard Leon shout as Arthur responded by running his own sword through the bandit's stomach. He fell down dead.

"It's the Prince!" One bandit yelled, and panic seemed to spread through the group as they realised who they had attacked. No matter how cruel these men were, they weren't stupid. Kidnapping or killing a royal would mean certain death for all of them.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Ordered another man as the group started to disappear.

The pain in his side caused Arthur's vision to blur but he was conscious enough to witness the bandits grab Merlin, not willing to leave without at least one potently person to sell on as a slave. That is what they had come for after all.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouted, starting to run after them. The pain in his side was unbearably though and he stumbled.

"Sire!" A voice called out and he felt arms grip his shoulder, holding him back.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled even more desperately, trying to fight the hold. He saw the bandits run off, one of them holding the young servant over his shoulder. Merlin's head was bumping roughly against the man's shoulder and his face look pale and stained with blood.

"Merlin!" Arthur mumbled, before his world went black.

Arthur woke in his chambers with Gaius hovering over him and his father sitting in a chair next to the bed, his face stern.

The first word that Arthur had said was,

"Merlin."

Gaius's breath hitched and Arthur could see that his eyes were glossy with unshed tears. Uther just sighed and rubbed his temple.

The King refused to let Arthur go after Merlin but Arthur didn't listen. As soon as he could stand without feeling dizzy, he left to find his manservant. His friend. He snuck out in the middle of the night and set off with his horse alone.

Arthur had no leads. He didn't know where the bandits had taken Merlin or even where they stayed. The young Prince had to search the kingdom and asked everyone he met on his journey where he could find the cruel bandits.

It took a while and Arthur grew more nervous by the day. The slave merchants wouldn't have killed Merlin unless he was deemed not fit to sell but they were known for subjecting the people they capture to cruel and inhumane treatments. And if they had sold Merlin, there was no knowing what his new masters would do to him.

The thought made Arthur feel nauseous and filled his dreams with fitful nightmares.

The Prince finally caught up with the bandits. There had taken over an abandoned castle that once belonged to a poor King who bore no hire. His kingdom died with him and Camelot took ownership of his land. Nature had not been kind to the once proud castle and it was overgrown and some of the upper towers had collapsed.

A sense of desperation and fearlessness came over Arthur as he snuck into the castle, soundlessly killing guards and bandits as he went. He crept silently, trying to find Merlin. His sword was drawn and his mind was set on the task ahead as he battled the many people he came across.

His presence was found out and bells started ringing ahead as the castle was alerted of the intruder. He cursed as he suddenly found himself surrounded.

_Merlin_, he thought as he eyed down every single last man in front of him, _I'm coming, Merlin. _

"He's after the boy." He heard someone yell as he speared with the ugly, brutes that tried and failed to cut him down. He was too strong this time. Too desperate. He had to get Merlin back. He needed him.

There was a sudden explosion somewhere in the castle, shocking Arthur and the men around him. The castle walls started to tremble and loose bits of rock and stone fell around them. Arthur held his shield up to protect himself from the fallen rubble as men were crushed around him.

"He did it again!" Someone yelled.

"Let's get out of here!" A few others yelled before fleeing the castle.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled as the trembles stopped and the walls stayed still once more. He ran into the building, stepping over rubble, and covering his mouth with his sleeve as dust fogged his vision.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled again. He saw someone ahead of him and he ran over to them. As he got nearer he realised it wasn't Merlin but another bandit. This one was younger than most of the others and he was nursing his leg that had been smashed with a large rock from the ceiling above.

"You know who I seek." Arthur growled, pointing the tip of his sword to the boy's throat. "Now tell me where I can find him."

The boy's eyes were full of fear as he looked up at the Prince.

"He...he's upstairs." He whimpered, and Arthur withdrew his sword. He stepped around the boy and walked carefully until he came to a set of stairs. He ran up them, his sword still held tightly in his hand.

The upstairs of the castle was even worse than the scene downstairs. Massive holes interrupted the floor and debris was everywhere. Arthur walked carefully, avoiding the holes and checking every room he passed. He opened one door and was shocked to see what he found.

The room was dark but a hole in the ceiling lit the room up enough for Arthur to look around. The room was a mess, with tables and chairs thrown about the room on their sides. There were 3 men lying on the floor, unmoving. One of them had their trousers down around their ankles and they all looked died or at least very hurt. It looked like they had been thrown by a great force.

The sight though that shocked Arthur to his core was the battered, shaking boy curled in a ball in the corner. Merlin was completely naked and his skin was decorated in purple, black and blue bruises and blood that stained his skin in such a horrifying way. There were anger red marks around his wrists and ankles and he looked even skinnier then Arthur remembered. His bones seemed to puncture his skin. He was covered in dirt and soot, and his hair was muttered with dirt and blood. Merlin's entire body was shaking as he hid his head away in his arms.

Arthur placed his sword back into its scabbard and rushed over to Merlin, kneeling down beside him.

"Merlin!" Arthur said, relief rushing through him at the sight of his manservant.

However, the relief was cut short as Merlin flinched away from him, his eyes wide and full of fear. Arthur could see that his wound from the arrow three weeks ago had not been treated and it looked infected. Merlin's skin was pale and shiny with sweat. His lips were dry and chipped, causing them to bleed. But it was his eyes that shook Arthur the most. The happy, cheeky shine had disappeared and what was left were dull, glossy orbs. They barely looked like they were alive. They seemed to stare right through the Prince, like Merlin couldn't see him, or he didn't want to.

"It's ok, I'm going to take you home." Arthur told him, looking around for something to cover Merlin. He found an old, worn blanket across the room where chains hanged. Arthur had no doubt that this is where Merlin was made to go to bed, the chains to prevent him from escaping.

Arthur was starting to boil with anger as he realised everything that had happened to his manservant in this very room. There were blood stains on the floor and it was so cold that even Arthur with his chainmail and his armour on was cold. And looking at the ugly brute on the floor with his trousers down to his ankles and Merlin's naked body explained it all.

Arthur tried to keep his emotions in check as he went back to Merlin and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. Merlin flinched again, trying to get away from whoever was holding him. Arthur let go immediately.

"It's ok, it's only me." Arthur tried to reassure him but Merlin just shook his head, burying it in his arms. Arthur felt tears in his eyes just looking at him. He was so confused and frightened. He didn't even realise that it was Arthur here to save him. Arthur swallowed back his tears and knelt down beside Merlin.

"I need to get you out of here." Arthur told him quietly.

"Merlin, look at me." He said, trying to be gentle. He didn't want to touch Merlin because he didn't want the servant to be frightened of him.

After a few long minutes, Merlin looked up, his eyes still glossy and scared, but he seemed to focus on Arthur this time. It was only for a second before his eyes became out of focus again and he seemed to be in another world. He nodded though and tried to stand. He lent against the wall as he tried to pull himself up but his legs were too weak to even lift himself into a kneeling position. Arthur was amazed that he wasn't unconscious as he reached forward to support him. Merlin flinched away from his hands, shaking again.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Merlin." Arthur said, "I need to get you out of here, I need to get you home."

Arthur's voice was unusually desperate. He normally kept his tone calm and proud but now he was begging Merlin to let him help him.

It took another long moment but Merlin nodded and allowed Arthur to help him up. The Prince could feel the tension going through the servant's entire body, despite how tired and weak he was. He clutched the back of Arthur's chainmail as he put a hand around Merlin's waist to keep him up. They left the castle quickly as possible and Arthur led Merlin to his horse, which was tied up in the woods near the castle.

Arthur sat Merlin down on a fallen log before going through the bag on the horse to look for clothes. He found a spare shirt and a pair of trousers and rushed back over to Merlin.

"Here." Arthur said, putting the shirt over Merlin's head and helping him put his arms through the sleeves. Merlin just had a blank expression as he did this, but that all changed once Arthur tried to help him put the trousers on. He bent down and touched one of Merlin's legs and straight away Merlin launched himself backwards away from him. He fell off the log and onto his back. He tried to crawl away from Arthur, tears in his wide eyes and shaking again with fright.

"I won't do anything." Arthur tried to reassure him, tears coming to his eyes again as he looked at the once brave, happy Merlin. He was just a shadow of his old self. In just three weeks these bastards had ruined his friend.

Arthur gently threw the trousers so they landed next to Merlin, and then went to his horse so Merlin had some privacy. He pretended to be busy readying the beast as he heard Merlin struggling to get the trousers on. He clutched his fists as Merlin's frightened face went around in his mind. Arthur had never seen someone that looked so...broken.

When Arthur turned back around Merlin was dressed and standing, leaning heavily on a tree. He was shivering and his eyes were downcast, looking at the ground. Arthur got his red Knight cloak from where it was laid across his horse's back, and slowly went over to Merlin.

"Here, this will keep you warm." Arthur said, passing it to him. When Merlin took it Arthur noticed that he was being careful not to touch him. Merlin wrapped it around his shoulders, struggling with the buckle at the front for a moment.

"We must get going." Arthur told him, going back over to the horse. It was getting late in the day and Arthur wanted to get as far away from this place as possible. Merlin followed quietly and refused help from Arthur as he got on the horse. He struggled and all Arthur wanted to do was reach out and help the boy but he didn't want to scare him. Merlin didn't trust him anymore. He probably didn't trust anyone anymore.

Arthur mounted the horse and turned around to look at Merlin, who was gripping the saddle and as far away from Arthur was possible.

"I'm going to be going fast so you might want to hold on to me." Arthur told him. Merlin hesitated before leaning forward and putting his arms around Arthur's middle, a loose grip at first but as soon as he started to ride, the grip got tighter and tighter. Arthur was careful not to touch him or frighten him in anyway.

As it got darker and Arthur was satisfied with the distance that they had made, they stopped. Arthur got off the horse first and he turned to look at Merlin. Merlin's face was even paler then before. It was as if he was ghost, and his face was wet with tears and sweat. He stumbled off the horse and Arthur caught him before he fell over. Merlin gripped Arthur's arms tightly and leant over and vomited. Not a lot came out, proving how little Merlin had had to eat and drink, but the retching sounded painful and more tears filled Merlin's eyes. Arthur noticed that he was shaking in pain and when he tried to help Merlin sit down he winced in pain and moved so he was lying on his side.

Arthur felt sick as he realised what the source of the pain was. He had already worked out that Merlin was subjected to sexual abuse from these brutes, but how many times Arthur could only guess. Merlin would be very sore and possible torn, and the horse ride probably reopened any sealed wounds.

Merlin just lied there as Arthur made up a fire and gathered some water from a nearby stream. Merlin's eyes were dull and Arthur shivered at the emptiness. The servant just stared in front of him and didn't respond to anything that Arthur said or did. The only thing that Merlin did was sit up to drink some water. He didn't eat the meal that Arthur cooked, no matter how much the Prince begged, and he didn't talk once. Arthur tried to check him for a fever at one point but Merlin batted his hands away, his eyes wide with fear again.

Merlin never closed his eyes either, not even when Arthur settled down for the night and went to sleep himself. Merlin's eyes were still wide as he stared into the dying fire, and they were open when Arthur woke the next morning.

The Prince had no idea if he had even gone to sleep, but they had to move. They were at least two days ride away from Camelot and it may take longer as they only had one horse.

Merlin didn't say a word as they rode that day. He hadn't uttered a word since Arthur had saved him and he was starting to get worried. He missed the mindless chatter that Merlin normally provided on a ride, and also the banter that the two normally shared. Arthur just wanted to break down and cry for Merlin and the abuse he had suffered. He wanted to kill every single last bandit that had done this to his friend. He wanted to be home in Camelot and Guise to tell him that everything was going to be ok. He wanted Merlin to at last make a sound so Arthur knew he was going to get better. Arthur wanted a lot of things but right now he had to concentrate on getting Merlin to safety and deal with all these desires later.

The ride's journey was smooth but it hurt Merlin a lot. Arthur felt him crying as the day draw to a close. His grip tightened around Arthur, as he needed to hang on to something to stop from crying out.

"It's ok, it's nearly over." Arthur kept on trying to comfort him, "Guise will know what to do, I'm taking you to Guise."

That night was the same. Merlin collapsed on the forest floor, tears still rolling down his cheeks and off his nose, as Arthur made a fire and some dinner. Merlin didn't eat the dinner. Arthur even tried to feed him himself, but Merlin just kept his mouth shut and refused to eat anything.

Arthur woke in the middle of night to Merlin mumbling. The servant had finally fallen asleep and he was twitching in his sleep, moaning.

"Arthur." He mumbled, his voice croaked and sore. Arthur's heart launched as Merlin muttered his name. He didn't know what Merlin was calling out for him, but he felt tears prick in his eyes and he watched Merlin screw up his face in pain.

"Arthur!" He moaned, louder this time, "Arthur! Save me!"

Arthur seemed to stop breathing for a moment as Merlin yelled for his help. Guilt built up in him as he realised that he should have got there sooner. He reached over to where Merlin had his arm outstretched, as if reaching for something. Arthur touched his hand, wanting to offer some kind of contact.

However, as soon as his fingertips touched Merlin's palm, the younger boy jumped awake, jerking his hand to his chest like he had just touched fire. His eyes flew open and he looked at Arthur with a terrified look on his face. He started to breathe heavier as his eyes darted from Arthur to around them to look for danger.

"I'm sorry." Arthur said, leaning up on his elbows slightly, "You were having a nightmare, I was just trying to help."

Once Merlin realised that there was no danger around them, his eyes became still and settled on Arthur's face. It was the first time he had properly looked at Arthur since he had been rescued and Arthur felt slightly strange under the piecing blue eye stare. Merlin didn't move, but just looked at him. He had a slightly confused look on his face.

Arthur laid back down on his side so he was facing Merlin, and let his arm fell out to the side so it was resting on the grass between him and Merlin. Merlin looked at it but he seemed to relax slightly, and his breathing went back to normal slowly. He kept looking at Arthur, not saying a word.

"I..." Arthur started, taking a deep breath as a lump formed in his throat, "I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner."

Merlin kept on looking at him, his eyes still dull and cloudy. They still were their brilliant blue but they seemed empty. Empty of all emotion.

"I should have protected you." Arthur continued, "I'm sorry."

Arthur hardly ever said sorry. As Prince of Camelot he wasn't required to a lot. A prince didn't make mistakes, and even if he did no one expected him to regret them. But now all he could think about was that he had let Merlin down and he wanted his servant's forgiveness. He felt like he couldn't live without Merlin's forgiveness.

Merlin still didn't say anything but he reached his own arm out until it was resting on the grass next to Arthur's, their fingertips just touching. Arthur felt his breath hitch at the feel of Merlin's skin against his, no matter how slight the contact was. Even though Merlin's expression was still blank and haunting, the touch meant hope.

Arthur kept looking at Merlin, and Merlin back at him. Their eyes stayed connected until Arthur was too tired to keep his open. He fell asleep thinking of Merlin's blue eyes. His dreams were full of empty voids and cruel laughter.

Arthur woke more tired than when he fell asleep. He tried to shake it off as he stretched his limbs out and sat up. Merlin wasn't lying next to him anymore and Arthur looked around for him. Merlin wasn't far away, as he knelt beside the fire pit, sprinkling water over it to make sure all the flames were gone. There was a plate of food beside him that held fruit, meat and bread from the bags. The horse was already saddled up and Merlin's bed was rolled up and packed away.

"You shouldn't be doing all this." Arthur said from his own bed. Merlin jumped at Arthur's voice and span around.

Arthur didn't know what he was expecting. A miraculous recover? Merlin back to his own cheeky self? The past three weeks just a dream? Seeing Merlin actually up and doing something and not curled up in a ball as he had been the last two nights made Arthur believe that he must at least be feeling a little bit better. But as the boy turned around and faced Arthur, he realised that that wasn't the case.

Merlin's eyes were still empty of any emotion, light or spark. His face just spoke of sleepless nights and restless dreams. His skin was still deathly pale and dark circles engulfed his features. Arthur shivered as he looked at him. It was like seeing a ghost.

"You should be resting Merlin." Arthur said gently, moving the blanket away from him and moving so he was nearer Merlin. Merlin silently handed him the plate of food. Arthur noticed the silence and nodded in thanks. He began to eat the grapes on the plate, watching Merlin turn back around and start to roll up his bed.

"Stop that Merlin." Arthur said, "Come sat with me and eat something."

Merlin just shook his head and the food began to taste like ash in Arthur's mouth. He stood up as Merlin strengthened up and tried to stand in front of him. Arthur gently took hold of Merlin's wrist, trying to get him to look at him. Merlin flinched at the touch and Arthur withdrew his hand like an arrow from a bow.

"You need to eat." Arthur told him, standing a bit too close to him, "You're going to get really ill if you don't."

Merlin just shrugged and Arthur felt like shaking him. It was like Merlin didn't care about his own heath. He wasn't eating or sleeping and now he was walking around doing chores when he should be resting. He was injured and Arthur could see that in every movement he made. It was as if every step, breath and twitch was causing him unbelievable pain.

"Mer-" Arthur started but he was cut off by a loud '_**PANG**_' ringing through the air and then he was knocked forward by a great force. He fell to the floor, pain flowing through every vain in his body and struggling to breath. He saw Merlin look at him in shock, his eyes wide. Arthur looked down to his chest and saw a long, dark arrow pointing out from his flesh. His own eyes went wide as he realised what had happened.

And then they were suddenly surrounded by five bandits, most of them chuckling cruelly. Arthur recognised one of them as the man who had their pants down in the room where he had found Merlin.

Arthur tried to tell Merlin to run but nothing came from his mouth as he formed the words. Merlin stood over him, his fists clutched as he looked around. Arthur couldn't see his face but his whole body seemed tense with anger.

Merlin then let out a terrible, furious scream. There was so much pain in the scream. So much anger and despair. The ground shook and trembles went through the small clearing. Arthur though he saw the leaves that littered the forest floor quiver and a wild wind went around them. The men were thrown backwards and they flew through the sky before landing in twisted heaps on the hard ground. None of them were moving, not even breathing.

Before Arthur could register any of this, Merlin was kneeling by his side, tears rolling down his cheeks as he looked at the Prince.

"Arthur!" He cried, looking at the arrow and Arthur's shallow breathing. He placed his hands on Arthur's chest, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Merlin, run." Arthur managed to choke out, tasting iron in his mouth. Merlin shook his head, one of his hands running up to cup Arthur's face.

"You're not meant to die yet." Merlin told him, tears leading on Arthur's cheeks as Merlin bent over him. Merlin didn't seem to know what to do with his hands as he stroked Arthur's cheeks and his forehead, running them down his chest as if he was trying to hold on to Arthur's last breaths.

Arthur looked up at him, raising a hand and placing it on Merlin's cheek. He didn't flinch away from the touch this time, but his tears increased as he shook his head. He closed his eyes, and put his both his hands on Arthur's chest, his thumbs and index fingers joining together to form a circle around the wound. He took a deep breath before saying words that Arthur didn't understand.

"_Ic crye calu__ þás heorudreór" _

Merlin's eyes snapped open and Arthur gasped as he saw that they were no longer their blue colour, but a rich gold. The sign of magic.

"_Ic crye calu__ þás heorudreór_"Merlin said again, this time louder. His brow was creased with concentration. Arthur's eyes grew heavy as he tried to witness what was happening around him.

"_Ic crye calu__ þás heorudreór_!" Merlin yelled, the sound shaking the forest around them. Arthur cried out as the wound seemed to burn with fire. His back arched in pain and he screwed his eyes shut. It felt like the hole was sizzling and bubbling like boiling water. Merlin held him down as his body grew tired from the pain. Arthur managed to open his eyes long enough to see Merlin above him, a small, sad smile on his lips, before Arthur's world turned black.

When Arthur woke the sun was directly above him. He could feel the heat of it and its brightness shone through his eyelids, making him frown in protest. It must be about midday, he thought.

The next thing he noticed was a weight on top of him. It wasn't a heavy weight but it wasn't a light weight, like a blanket or a throw, either. He opened his eyes and was met by a mop of dark hair. He recognised it as Merlin straight away and everything that had happened that morning came flooding back to him. He was confused at first. He didn't feel any pain whatsoever. In fact he felt fantastic.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, trying to sit up. It wasn't really appropriate to have his manservant lying on top of him. And he had to talk to him about what had happened earlier. Had Merlin used magic?

"Merlin" Arthur said again once the boy had not moved. Arthur pushed himself up into a sitting position and turned Merlin over. Arthur nearly dropped him when he saw Merlin's front. He was covered in blood, his entire shirt soaked red. Merlin's face was as white as chalk and his breathing was so shallow that arthur was sure he was dead. It wasn't until Merlin let out a broken moan that he realised with relief that he was still alive.

"Ar...thur." Merlin muttered.

"I'm here." Arthur said, placing Merlin down on the ground and pulling up his shirt. Arthur hissed when he saw an angry puncture wound in the middle of Merlin's chest.

"How did you get this?" Arthur asked, looking at it. It was then realisation hit him and his hands flew to his own chest and he looked down. The arrow had disappeared and all was left was a hole in his chainmail and some blood, which he was sure was mostly Merlin's.

His wound had completely vanished, he realised as he poked his finger through the hole to feel smooth skin.

"What did you do?" Arthur asked, feeling shaken as he looked back to the bleeding Merlin. He could also see a red line across Merlin's stomach. It didn't look deep but was bleeding. Arthur recognised the wound and lifted his own shirt to see that were his injury from 3 weeks ago had disappeared, just leaving the stitches that Guise had done to keep it shut there. The wound had been healing nicely but now it was gone. That was impossible. Even if it had healed completely without Arthur knowing, there would be a long white scar in its place. He looked back at Merlin, realising that his injury was now on the dying boy in front of him. Merlin's eyes were slightly open and Arthur could see that he was looking at him through heavily lidded eyes.

"I...saved you...my last save...and you know it was me...that did it this time." Merlin said, his voice a bare whisper. A smile was on his lips as Arthur tried to put some pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. They must have been unconscious for hours and the bleeding had nearly stopped, but there was still some blood coming out. Arthur looked at him confused, realising how pale Merlin was. He must have lost a lot of blood. The smile that Merlin held was broken and not quite there. It didn't reach his eyes and Arthur knew he was just trying to comfort him.

How silly did that sound? The one that was dying was trying comfort the one that was fine. It was insane but something that Merlin would do. He was so selfless.

"I...I'm going to get you home." Arthur told him, his hands shaking as he got the blanket that Merlin had dropped earlier and wrapped it around Merlin's torso, trying to protect the wound, "Guise will know what to do...He will save you."

Merlin shook his head as Arthur tried to pick him up.

"No..." He breathed, "Leave me."

"I can't leave you Merlin!" Arthur shouted at the fool. He put his arm under Merlin's legs and hoisted him up in a bridal fashion.

"Please..." Merlin whispered, his voice laced with anguish. Arthur paused and stood still, his blood running cold as he looked down at Merlin in his arms. Merlin's eyes were slightly more open now and Arthur could see the blue orbs clearly. It was as if Merlin was begging him to leave him behind. To leave him to die.

"Shut up Merlin!" Arthur snapped. Probably not the wisest thing to say at the moment but he was too shocked and hurt to think of anything else, "I'm not going to leave you, I would never leave you."

Arthur lifted Merlin onto his horse and then got up behind him, holding him tightly in place. Arthur's mare was the best that money could buy and Arthur had had her for years, so they know each other well. She sensed that something was wrong and she know where she needed to go without being asked and set off straight away without any prompt from her owner. This allowed Arthur to secure Merlin and hold on to him so he didn't fall off the horse. Arthur could hear him mumbling something, talking nonsense as they set off.

"You're going to be fine." Arthur told him, as they galloped through the forest towards Camelot. He was saying this more to himself than anyone else. He was scared, and guilt was building even higher in him as he realised how much he had failed his manservant.

He couldn't believe that the happy-go-lucky, cheeky and bright Merlin was in such despair that he wanted to die. It wasn't even to save anyone. Arthur knew that Merlin would give up his life for him without a second thought, but when they were attacked all the bandits were taken out. There had been no other danger around them. Merlin had just wanted to die. For no selfless reason. He had wanted to die to rid himself of this world.

It made Arthur want to scream out in frustration and anger. He was angry at this world for changing Merlin so dramatically. For making Merlin hate everything around him and for ridding him of hope and happiness. Arthur hated the world for making the spark in Merlin's brilliant blue eyes disappear and replacing it with what seemed like endless emptiness.

Arthur held onto Merlin tightly as they raced towards Camelot. Merlin passed out pretty quickly and his head was dumping against Arthur's shoulder, his head resting slightly under the Prince's chin. Arthur urged his horse on, riding through the night to get to Camelot. He needed to get Merlin to Guise as fast as possible. He wasn't going to let Merlin die.

Even though Arthur had to concentrate on staying balance and holding on to Merlin, he had time to think about the attack that morning. He had seen it clearly in Merlin's eyes. He had used magic. Arthur knew the clear sign of the golden eyes anywhere. His father had engraved it in his mind since he was old enough to understand about the signs of magic and why it was so bad. People that used magic are evil and only think of themselves.

But Merlin wasn't like that. He wasn't anything but kind and compassionate. He wouldn't hurt a fly and he was the most loyal person Arthur knew. Merlin was without a doubt the only true friend that Arthur possessed, even if he did treat the younger boy like a slave sometimes. Arthur didn't understand though why Merlin would study magic. It was forbidden and anyone caught using it would be executed. Why would Merlin risk his life for magic? And what did that mean for Arthur and his future kingdom?

Was Merlin only friendly and loyal to him to get closer to the future king of Camelot? Was it all a trick? Was Merlin going to turn on him once he got the throne? Wasn't that what his father had been teaching him his whole life? That people that use magic are evil and that he shouldn't trust anyone that is even associated with magic?

Arthur had to shake these thoughts from his mind as he rode on. He knew Merlin. Merlin was his friend and he wouldn't hurt him. The trusting servant had saved him on more than one occasion. If he had wanted Arthur dead than he would have done it already.

They reached the gates of Camelot near noon the next day. Arthur rode through the gates and shouts could be heard straight away.

"The Prince has returned!" People cried out as they saw him, relieved to see their future king returned to them. Shouts rang through the fortress faster than Arthur did and he could hear bells ringing quite quickly to announce his presence to his father. People made way for him and his galloping horse and he got to the court yard quickly where he skidded to a halt. He jumped off his mare, giving her a slight pat before letting Merlin slid into his arms. Arthur didn't realise how tired he was until Merlin was in his arms and he fell to his knees as the King and Guise rushed through the doors of the castle and down to him.

"Arthur!" Uther cried out, his worry and relief clear in his tone as he made his way down the steps and down to his side. Arthur felt Guise kneel down beside him to look at his ward.

"Merlin." Guise breathed, looking at him. Merlin was still alive but only just. His breathing was irregular and slow, coming out with shaking breaths. He had bled right through the blanket and red covered him. His skin was as pale as a ghost but in contrast his skin was red hot, making him sweat and shake.

"Get him to my chambers straight away." Guise ordered. Arthur tried to stand but his legs were too weak from riding through the night and he collapsed back to the ground, Merlin against him. Leon, who had come to welcome his prince back, step forward and gathered Merlin up in his arms. Arthur gave him a grateful smile and stood up, subconscious leaning on his mare to steady himself as Leon rushed off, followed by Guise.

"Arthur, what happened?" Uther asked upon noticing how shaken up his son looked. Arthur didn't answer the question as he noticed all the people that had gathered. He saw a stable boy nearby and beckoned him over. The young boy rushed over, looking nervous as he had never been spoken to by Prince Arthur before.

"Take my horse to the stables." Arthur told him, trying to get his composer back as his people watched him and handing the ruins to the boy, "Make sure she is fed and watered and is well rested, she has had a long journey."

"Yes Sire." The boy squeaked and rushed off, patting the mare gently as he went.

"Arthur, come with me." Uther told his son. Arthur wanted to refuse and follow Merlin to the physician's chambers, but he had a duty to his King and father to explain what had happened and why he had disappeared and where he had been the last three weeks.

"Yes Father." Arthur sighed and followed Uther into the castle and up to the council room.

**My first Merlin fic! It's a very sad one so far. I hope it isn't too angsty. **

_**Ic crye calu**__** þás heorudreór **_**means roughly 'I shall bare these wounds'. It took me a while to translate into Old English. I was trying for 'Let me bare these wounds' but it wouldn't let me do that but I think this works just as well. **

**Please review. Reviews give me the power to continue. **


	2. Chapter 2

Once in the council room, Uther shut the doors and turned to his son. It looked like he didn't know how to feel, with a mixture of relief and anger in his grey eyes.

"You are such a fool, Arthur." He finally said as Arthur lent heavily against the long table dominating the room.

"Risking your life for a servant." Uther shook his head.

"He isn't just any servant, Father." Arthur argued, "Merlin has saved my life on many occasions, I owed him my life."

"A Prince owes nothing to anyone." Uther told him, his voice stern, "He has a duty to serve and protect you."

"And I have a duty to our people." Arthur said, his voice raising. He wished his legs weren't so weak right now so he could stand tall in his argument, instead of depending on the table to keep him upright.

"Yes, but the people as a whole, not one or two individuals." Uther told him, standing tall himself over Arthur, "If you had died than you would have failed your people, for the life of a mere servant."

"He isn't just a servant!" Arthur yelled, forgetting briefly who he was speaking to, "Merlin is the only loyal friend I have!"

Uther slammed his fists against the table, fire in his eyes as he looked at Arthur. Arthur held the glare, not looking away.

"Princes and Kings do not have time for friends." Uther told him, his voice low, "Now go clean up."

Arthur didn't say a word but heaved himself off the table and made his way out of the room.

"Arthur." His father stopped him as he reached the door. Arthur stopped but didn't turn around.

"I expect you to resume your duties in the morning."

"Yes Sire." Arthur replied, his tone sore. He then left.

Gwen was waiting for him outside the room and all but flew into his arms as tears ran down her face.

"How is he? Is he going to be ok? Please tell me that he is going to be ok" She said all at once, not making a lot of sense. Arthur put his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm the serving girl.

"I don't know Guinevere." Arthur told her, "I am going to see him now."

"I'll come with you." She said, wiping her eyes with a bit of cloth.

"No." Arthur said, firmly, earning a shocked look from her. He needed to talk to Gaius and he didn't think it was a conversation that Gwen should hear.

"Gaius will need all the room he can get, it wouldn't be good to have lots of people down there right now." Arthur explained, "I shall call for you if we need anything."

"Yes Sire." She said quietly, understanding in her eyes. She gave a soft nod before walking away down the corridor, still wiping her eyes. Arthur made off into the direction of Gaius's chambers at a very brisk walk.

He entered the chamber quietly but Gaius heard him and turned around. His eyes were wide with worry and shock and his hands were covered in blood and he was holding bandagers. Merlin was lying on the patient's bed, not moving. He looked so still that Arthur though the worst had happened in his absence, but then the shaky rising of the boy's chest reassured him.

"How did he get these wounds, Arthur?" Gaius asked, still looking at the prince. Arthur ran his hands through his hair nervously. It was then he realised that his hands were also covered in blood as well.

"I...I don't really know." Arthur admitted. He was conflicted about telling Gaius about what really happened. Did the old man know about his ward? Wouldn't he have found it out by now?

"I need to know so I can treat them." Gaius told him. His voice was calm but Arthur could see the panic in his eyes. Merlin didn't have long to live.

"I...it was magic." Arthur told him.

"Magic? Preformed by whom?" Gaius asked. Arthur licked his lips nervously before answering.

"By Merlin." He said, "Merlin performed the magic." He then lifted up his shirt to saw Gaius the stitches that held together no wound. Gaius's eyes went wider at the sight and he turned to the bare chested Merlin. The line that went across his side, almost reaching his belly button, was identical to the one that Gaius treated on Arthur just a few weeks ago.

"I was shot by the arrow Gaius." Arthur told him, "It was me, and I was dying, I could feel it." He started pacing the room. Despite how tired he was and how much his body was screaming at him to rest Arthur suddenly felt an overwhelming surge of energy as he spoke.

"I was drawing near to my last breath and Merlin was there, kneeling over me, He said these words that I didn't understand and his eyes lit up."

"You've been travelling for weeks, Sire, maybe you were just delirious from exhaustion." Gaius offered. Arthur shook his head, looking at the pale Merlin lying in the small bed.

"I felt it, I felt the magic go through me." Arthur said, "I passed out and when I came to I was fine and Merlin was near dead."

Gaius said no more but turned back to Merlin and continued to clean and bandage his wounds. Arthur lingered nearby, feeling helpless. Merlin didn't even moan in pain as Gaius pressed down on the wounds. He made no sounds part from his irregular breathing.

"Where did you found him?" Gaius asked as he examined the rest of Merlin's body. Arthur ran another hand through his hair as he remembered the dark, damp room with Merlin curled in a tight ball in the corner.

"Near the western border." Arthur answered, starting to pace the room again to try and stay calm, "It was horrible Gaius."

The man looked up as Arthur's voice creaked. He hadn't seen the Prince this openly distress since he was just a child. The bruises and other injuries on Merlin's body explained why. The Physician could see that his young ward had been tired up as there were cuts and blisters around his wrists and ankles, and there were several long cuts on his back, indicating that the poor boy had been whipped when he had first been captured. They were half healed but still looked sore and oozed with yellow pus. Merlin was barely recognisable by the bruises on his face and the dark shadows. Also Gaius was sure that he had had little too eat in the weeks gone by as every bone on his body seemed pronounced, like his skin was stretched way too thin over the bones. Gaius was almost too scared to handily him because of the fear of breaking the boy even more.

"Gaius." Arthur said as he went to take off Merlin's trousers to examine his legs. The man looked up to the prince and was surprised to see his expression. Arthur's eyes were full of fear, anger and disgust. His hands were shaking and it was as if he was about to collapse in front of Gaius's eyes.

"What is it, my boy?" He asked as Arthur hesitated in saying whatever was on his mind.

"They...they did...things to him." Arthur finally said and Gaius say the sure sign of tears in the Prince's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Gaius asked, "What did they do?"

"They...they hurt him...really badly." Arthur breathed, his voice small. Gaius suddenly understood but he didn't want to believe it. Arthur looked away as Gaius carefully took off Merlin's trousers.

"I need your help, Arthur." Gaius said, beckoning him over. Arthur came over slowly, averting his eyes to protect Merlin's privacy.

"I need to roll him on his side so you need to hold his shoulders so he doesn't fell off the bed or hurt his injuries further." Gaius explained. Arthur nodded, kneeling on the floor next to Merlin's bed. He gently held Merlin's shoulders as Gaius rolled him over, and then held Merlin in place as Gaius examined him.

Arthur looked at Merlin's face as it went on. Merlin seemed to stir a bit in his sleep, moaning in pain as Gaius implied some ointment to smooth the pain and get rid of any infection.

"It's ok Merlin." Arthur tried to comfort, rubbing his thumb in slow circles on Merlin's skin, "Everything is going to be ok now."

"Ar...thur." Merlin moaned, his brow frowned. Arthur's heart jumped at the sound of Merlin's voice. If he was talking then he would surly get better, right?

Arthur asked Gaius this and the old man just looked sighed, his eyes full of sorrow.

"Only time will tell."

* * *

><p>Gwen had very kindly made Arthur a bath, probably after she saw what a state he was in when they met in the hall. He washed the blood, sweat and dirt off but did not stay in the heavenly hot water for long, like he normally would. He was back in Gaius's chambers before his hair was even dry. Gwen had been there when he had lift, gently cleaning Merlin's body of blood and dirt. Without all the dried blood staining his skin Merlin looked a lot better but his white skin was even clearer now he was clean.<p>

"Gwen got you some food from the kitchen before she retired." Gaius told him from the chair he was sitting in. Arthur nodded in thanks upon seeing the plate of meat and potatoes on the table. He wasn't very hungry but he had to get up early so probably wouldn't be able to have breakfast. He dug in, watching Merlin as he did so. The room was quiet. The only sounds were Gaius making some kind of potion and Arthur eating. There was no talking but Arthur could sense how worried Gaius was. An eerie coldness filled the room, making Arthur shiver.

Once he finished his dinner, Arthur went over to Merlin, sitting in the chair positioned next to the bed. Merlin was frowning in his sleep, with his forehead screwed up as if he was having a nightmare. Not caring that he was being watched by Gaius, Arthur placed a warm hand on Merlin's cheek, stroking his skin gently in hope that it would comfort him.

Merlin let out a croaked sigh as Arthur touched him and his features smoothed out. In his sleep, Merlin lent into the touch, mumbling something that Arthur didn't understand.

"His skin is quite warm." He told Gaius, frowning himself now. Merlin was shivering, even under two thick blankets, but his skin was red hot.

"He has a fever from his infected wounds." Gaius told him, looking up at the two boys through heavy eyes. He got up and walked over to the bed, leaning down to feel Merlin's temperature. It was then he noticed Arthur's shaking hands against Merlin's cheek. He hadn't slept since yesterday and was beyond exhausted. It was as if he had spent the entire time being the punch bag at training.

"You should sleep, Sire." Gaius told him. Arthur shook his head but his body defined him and he gave a large yawn, his eyes dropping shut for a second.

"I am going to stay down here until he wakes up." Arthur told him.

"In that case, at least sleep in Merlin's bed for the night, Sire, you have an early start." Gaius suggested. Arthur thought about this for a moment. On one hand he was exhausted and he knew that his father wasn't going to excuse him from his duties when he was so mad at him, but on the other hand Arthur didn't want to leave Merlin.

"I shall call you if anything changes." Gaius promised upon seeing the prince's hesitation.

"Ok." Arthur gave in, giving Merlin one last look and getting up.

Merlin's bed was uncomfortable and his blankets were itchy and his pillow was thin. It was terrible compared to Arthur's warm, comfortable bed upstairs with its thick covers and goose feathered pillows. However, Arthur was so tired that he barely noticed it. As soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep.

* * *

><p>Gaius woke the next morning to found Arthur on sitting on the floor next to Arthur's bed, with his head resting on the bed next to Merlin's chest, their hands grasped together. The prince was asleep and Merlin was still unconscious, his eyes moving underneath his eyelids in some kind of restless dream. He made a strange sound, like half way between a cry and a moan. It caused Arthur to jump awake and looked up. He reached a hand up, stroking back Merlin's hair off his sweaty forehead. Gaius watched as Merlin calmed under the touch and turned his head towards Arthur, his features calming as if a sense of peace had come over the young warlock.<p>

"Do you want some breakfast, Sire?" Gaius asked and Arthur jumped, turning his head. He hadn't realised he was being watched. He seemed to blush, Gaius noticed with curiosity. Arthur looked around, noticing that it was light outside now, meaning he had to get up.

"Yes, Gaius, that would be great." He said, standing up and stretching his limbs to undo the knots that had formed in his muscles over night. He had crept back into the room in the middle of the night when he thought he heard Merlin crying. The boy had been still sleeping and not making any sound, making Arthur believe it was just a dream. He had sat with Merlin for a little while to make sure he was ok and had fallen asleep on the floor.

Gaius made the prince a poached egg and served it with a slice of bread and an apple. Arthur still wasn't hungry, having lost his appetite, but ate it out of politeness. He watched as Gaius checked over Merlin.

"How is he?" Arthur asked, standing up once he had eaten the poached egg and steal beard. It was a quite dull breakfast compared to the lavish meals that he was normally given by castle kitchen, but it was still better than anything Arthur had eaten in the last three weeks while he was out on his own.

"His fever has gone down slightly but he still has not woken." Gaius told him, "I will be unable to tell if he is better until he wakes."

Arthur just nodded, and sighed.

"I have to go now, Gaius, but I shall be back later."

Gaius just nodded and Arthur left to go to the training.

Arthur worried about Merlin all day but he wasn't able to see his manservant at all. His father didn't let him have a moment free al day. He ordered extra training to take place to catch up with what was missed during Arthur's absence. Uther has ordered Arthur's company at lunch and dinner, even though they spent these meals in an awkward silence and only made small talk. They were both angry at each other and Arthur didn't understand why his father was making them go through these uncomfortable situations, instead of letting them cool off like he normally did. A council meeting was also called so Arthur could be put up to date about the goings on about the kingdom during his absence. It was a long and boring meeting in which Arthur struggled to stay awake.

All day Arthur thought about Merlin. Despite not being able to check on him, Arthur was kept up to date in his progress by Gwen, who was running between the physician's chambers and wherever Arthur was to tell him. Merlin still hadn't woken but he hadn't gotten weaker.

By the time Arthur made it down to the chambers that night Gaius was getting ready for bed.

"Sire." He said, sounding surprised to see Arthur down here, "I didn't expect you to come down so late."

"My father has had me running about like a headless chicken all day." Arthur told him, sitting down on the chair next to Merlin's bed and sighing. Merlin looked just the same. The blanket covered him up to his chest and his arms were laid carefully by his side. His face was creased with a frown but seemed to fade slightly as Arthur spoke.

"He was very worried about you while you were away." Gaius told him, sitting on the edge of his own bed.

"Yes, well I had to go." Arthur told him, "Father just doesn't seem to understand the value of a true friend, he is keeping me so busy so I can't see Merlin."

"As much as that may be the case, your Father still cares about you." Gaius said, trying to offer some kind of comfort to the young prince. Arthur didn't say another, but kept looking over Merlin. He wished he would wake up and smile at him. Arthur knew that even if Merlin did wake up, he probably wouldn't be smiling. A chill went down Arthur's spine as he remembered Merlin's eyes as he begged Arthur to let him die. He had been hunting his dreams last night and it still shook him. Arthur hadn't told Gaius about this. It seemed like some kind of big secret that Arthur had to keep. At least until Merlin woke up and he could speak to him about it.

* * *

><p>Uther kept Arthur very busy over the next couple of days. There was training which lasted longer than usual. There were patrols that seemed needless to Arthur but Uther insisted that Arthur and his knights went out on daily patrols around the nearby areas after lunch. Uther also insisted that Arthur attended every dinner with him, which normally lasted for hours as the King rumbled on about this and that and nothing that interested Arthur at all.<p>

But no matter how tired Arthur was, he always made his way down to Gaius's chambers to check on Merlin, who had yet to wake up. Gaius always went to sleep with Arthur in Merlin's room but when he woke the prince had made his way into the main room and was sleeping on the floor, his head rested against Merlin's side, and clutching the sick boy's hand tightly. It was clear that Arthur wasn't getting a lot of sleep and he was barely eating due to all the stress he was being put under.

"Sire you need to sleep." Gaius told him as Arthur stood from his position on the floor and rubbed his neck, a look of discomfort on his face.

"I'm fine Gaius." Arthur shrugged it off, grabbing an apple from a bowl on the table. He had got Gwen to bring some food here so he wasn't eating all Gaius's. As he took the apple, he noticed that his hands were shaking again. He found it more annoying than worrying, but Gaius thought otherwise.

"Maybe I should talk to your father, you are going to get sick from exhaustion soon." Gaius said, looking at him with a stern look.

"Please don't do that Gaius." Arthur sighed, "I'm fine, and besides, he thinks I'm getting a good night sleep in my chambers every night."

"Well, maybe you should be." Gaius told him. Arthur shook his head.

"I'm not sleeping anywhere else part from here until I know Merlin is well." He didn't mean to make it sound more like an order than a request, but that is the way it came out. Gaius raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Arthur gave him a short wave before heading out to get ready for training.

It was when Arthur was sparing with Leon that he realised that Gaius was probably right. His vision was becoming blurry and it felt like his arms were like lead. He tried not to let it show though and continued his match with his head knight. But then his eyes begin to close and he couldn't think straight. He distantly felt himself drop his sword and someone shout something but it seemed so far away. He also kind of felt himself felling but not really. It was strange; like floating. He finally let his mind relax and a pleasant darkness surrounded him.

When Arthur woke up he realised he was in an extremely comfortable bed. It felt familiar but in a strange way. Like getting on a horse that you haven't rode in a while. You recognise everything but it takes a while to get use to and you soon become one with the horse again. He opened his eyes and he realised he was in his room, in his bed that he hadn't occupied for a month now.

Arthur frowned in confusion and sat up and looked around his quarters. He saw Gwen sitting at his table, a needle and thread and a shirt in her hands. She looked up as he moved and a sweet smile reached her lips.

"What happened?" He asked, rubbing his head.

"You passed out, Sire." Gwen answered. Arthur groaned remembering it. How embarrassing to pass out in front of all his knights and guards like that. He must have looked like a fool. And in the middle of a match.

How humiliating.

"Your Knights know how much stress you are under." Gwen told him as if she was reading his mind, "Your Father didn't even let you recover from your journey."

Arthur threw the covers off his body and moved so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He realised that he had been changed out of his armour and was just wearing trousers and a shirt.

"It is my punishment." Arthur told her. Gwen didn't protest or say anything against this. Arthur knew if she was of a higher status she would be ranting about how it isn't right and how he had done a good thing by saving Merlin and how his father was wrong. She kept silent though, knowing her place.

"How is Merlin?" Arthur asked, pulling on his boots that were beside his bed.

"Still unconscious, Sire, but Gaius said he was talking in his sleep, mumbling your name." Gwen told him, "Gaius seemed to take that as a good sign."

Arthur stood up and nodded, glad of this news. He hoped that Merlin would wake soon.

"What time is it?" Arthur asked, needlessly as he looked out the window to see that it was dark.

"Night fell a few hours ago, most people have gone to bed." Gwen replied.

"How comes you stayed here?" Arthur asked, turning to her. She blushed underneath his glance and bowed her head.

"I was told to stay here until you woke, just in case something happened." She answered.

"Well, thank you, Guinevere." Arthur said, "But I am well, you may retire now."

Gwen stood and gave a curtsy.

"Night Sire." She said before leaving.

Arthur sighed once she left, running a hand through his hair and causing it to stick up at weird angles. He felt embarrassed. He wondered how his father had reacted to the news of him passing out. No doubt he was going to get a lecture about this in the morning.

Trying to not think about it, Arthur made his way downstairs. Gaius was already asleep when Arthur snuck into the chambers. He tried to be quiet as he made his way over to Merlin. Arthur plopped himself down in the chair and looked at his manservant. Arthur took his hand, and rubbed it gently.

"Come on, Merlin, wake up already." He whispered. He noticed the bread that was on a small table next to bed. Gaius had been trying to feed Merlin some amounts of food to keep his strength up. The boy had only been getting tiny bits of bread so far and Gaius was getting worried about his nutrient intake.

"When you wake up I will have the kitchen's prepare a feast for you." Arthur promised, "There will be beef, and tender chicken, with potatoes and all the vegetables you want, I will get you freshly made bread which is still warm from the oven, and jam and honey to put on it, and I will also get some mead and milk and fruit, it will be wonderful Merlin and it will just be for you and me, and Gaius and Gwen if you want, and maybe Leon because he has been terribly worried about you."

Arthur said this all in a whisper so not to wake Gaius but he leant closely to Merlin, his mouth almost touching Merlin's ear. Merlin stirred slightly in his sleep, and mumbled something. Arthur's heart jumped and he continued talking.

"It is getting really boring around here without you, Merlin, I have no one to yell at." He said, "They've given me another manservant and would you believe he is even more useless than you? He can't even do up my wrist strips on my armour and he put my chainmail on backwards today! Mind you he is only 12, the best they would do on short notice, so I can't yell at him yet like I yell at you."

Merlin mumbled something else, something that Arthur couldn't quite understand.

"But at least he is happy to do his job, you just whine all the time and complain, he was ecstatic when he came in that first morning to serve me, you would have thought it was his dream or something, but then again some people realise what an honour it is to serve the Prince of Camelot, unlike you, you just sit there and complain and are just useless, really Merlin, it's like you want to wind me up."

Merlin moved his head to the sound, towards Arthur, and mumbled something else. This time Arthur caught what he said and it sounded a lot like 'Prat'. Arthur chuckled slightly and mumbled,

"Idoit."

He watched Merlin again for a while before talking again.

"I did miss you though, when I was searching for you, I didn't think I could cope without my useless manservant around, you're the only one that treats me like a normal person, even if it does get irritating sometimes." Arthur told him, bring Merlin's hand to his face and holding the back of his hand to his cheek. It was oddly comforting; the feel of Merlin's skin against his.

"Please wake up, Merlin." Arthur said, feeling tears in his eyes.

_Damn it, when did I get this emotional? _

As if waiting to be asked, Merlin stirred again and this time his eyes opened. They stared at each for a second. Merlin looked confused and Arthur was just amazed. Merlin looked around, his blue eyes heavy and tired.

"Wh-?" He asked, before something seemed to click in him and his eyes turned dull and a shiver went through him. He winced as pain filled every inch of his body and he bit down on his lip to stop from letting out a cry.

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped, not really knowing what to do, "I'll wake Gaius."

"No, don't worry, I'm fine." Merlin said, clutching his teeth through the lie. His voice was croaked and he started to cough.

"Water," He said, his eyes watering. Arthur obeyed, scrambling around to found some water. He put the cup to Merlin's lips and supported his neck by putting his hand behind it. Merlin gulped down the water very quickly and then rested his head on the pillow again. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Are you ok?" Arthur asked, nervously. Merlin reopened his eyes and found Arthur's, whose brow was creased with worry. Merlin stared for a long while and his piercing blue eyes seemed to bore into Arthur, making him feel quite unsettled. He didn't take Merlin's hand, like he had been when he was unconscious. Arthur was aware that he might flinch away from the touch and Arthur didn't think he could bare that.

"Why?" Merlin finally asked. Arthur frowned, confused with the question. Merlin's expression changed as he asked it. He looked like he was just about to cry or yell, or do something to express the hopeless depression that was on his face. Arthur had a feeling that for the first few minutes after waking, Merlin had been blissfully unaware of the events that had taken place, but now everything had come back. The pain on Merlin's face was heart wrenching and Arthur had to force himself to stay looking at Merlin because it was nearly unbearable.

"Why did you let me live?" Merlin asked, his voice small but firm.

Right then, Arthur's heart broke. At least that was what it felt like. It felt like it had shattered into a thousand pieces.

"I...I couldn't..." Arthur tried to say but for once in his life he was speechless. He truly did not know how to answer Merlin's question. Or was it more of an accusation?

"I saved your life so you could escape." Merlin told him. He looked away from Arthur and to the ceiling, and placed an arm over his forehead. Arthur could still see the red marks on his wrists left by being chained to a wall.

"You should have left me." Merlin mumbled.

"I couldn't do that, Merlin." Arthur told him, his voice small. He hated himself for not being stronger right now. Hot tears were hidden in his eyes and his hands were shaking again. There was something about Merlin that just made him so weak.

"It would have been simple, Arthur." Merlin sighed, as if he was talking about taking a bath or something, not about leaving him to die. Arthur clutched his hands into fists tightly.

"I couldn't let you die." Arthur stated firmly, "You're going to get better."

Merlin closed his eyes and shook his head. Arthur noticed the tears spilling from underneath his eyelids. He reached over and wiped a trial off Merlin's cheek. Merlin didn't jump at his touch but opened his eyes to look back at Arthur, his eyes full of despair.

"I couldn't let you die." Arthur repeated. His hand still lingered on Merlin's cheek and he withdrew it slowly. Merlin then reached up, his hand shaking with exhaustion and pain, and placed it against Arthur's cheek. Arthur found himself closing his eyes at the touch and leaning into Merlin's hand.

"I'm glad you are alive." Merlin whispered. Arthur covered Merlin's hand with his own, keeping the hand against his cheek.

"You saved me using magic." Arthur said. It wasn't a question but a statement. Merlin looked like he was going to deny it but Arthur spoke over him.

"I know it was magic, Merlin." He said, surprisingly calmly, "I've been asking Gaius about it but he denies it, but I know what I saw."

"Are you going to tell the King?" Merlin asked. Arthur was shocked by the hint of hope in Merlin's eyes. If Arthur told the king than Merlin would be executed, and Merlin knew that. Arthur had a feeling he was hoping for it.

"No." Arthur said, firmly, "I trust you Merlin."

Merlin's expression changed. He went from looking hopeful about his possible death, to having a bittersweet expression on his face. His eyes softened and a sob escaped his mouth as Arthur said that. The Prince wondered how Merlin thought he was going to react.

"I have to ask though." Arthur said, "Why study Magic? Surely you knew that you could get killed for it."

Merlin bit his lip gently and sighed, somewhat frustrated.

"I didn't choose to have magic." Merlin explained, "I was born this way."

"But why use it?" Arthur asked, concerned about Merlin's safety. Surely, if he didn't use magic then there would be no reason for him to be charged with witchcraft and wizardry.

"I tried before, not using magic." Merlin told him, turning his head away from Arthur, but kept his hand still grasped in Arthurs against his cheek, "But it builds up inside you until it just comes rushing out and God knows what happens then."

He licked his dry lips before speaking again.

"It's part of me, I can't control it anymore then I can control my skin colour."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arthur asked and Merlin snorted cruelly.

"You're the King's son." He said, bringing his hand away from Arthur's face. The Prince was hurt by this and missed the feel of Merlin's skin, but said nothing.

"You have a duty to tell him, more so than anyone else." Merlin explained, and looked away, "I didn't want to have to hurt you like that."

There was a silent pause. Merlin placed a hand on his chest, where the arrow had pieced his skin, and flinched in pain.

"Even though, if the King knew the amount of times I have saved yours and his life, then I'm sure he would think differently about magic." Merlin said bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, slightly confused, "When have you saved my life before using magic?"

Merlin turned to look at him, his eyes now half shut as the pain began to overtake his body and mind again.

"Countless times." Merlin answered, his eyes full of venom, "...Sire."

Arthur flinched at the word as Merlin fell quickly back into slumber. Merlin only ever addressed him using this word when he was anger or upset. Arthur swallowed the tears in his throat and bowed his head so they were resting in his hands.

Was Merlin angry that he had saved him? Or was because Arthur was the King's son? Was it because he had never realised how much Merlin did for him? Had all Merlin's resentment built up to create this anger?

All Arthur knew was that he owed Merlin more than just his life. He tried to think of all the occasions where he had thought he had just got lucky or Gaius had worked miracles. All these times it had been Merlin helping him out, using the one thing that his father had always taught him was wrong and evil.

Arthur was now starting to believe that his father was wrong.

* * *

><p>Arthur stayed by Merlin's side all night again and Gaius sighed deeply when he woke to see the Prince sitting by Merlin's bed, still awake but with a blanket wrapped around himself to keep him warm .<p>

"Your Father isn't going to approve of this." The old man said.

"He woke last night." Arthur said, ignoring the comment. He kept looking at Merlin as Gaius rushed over.

"Why didn't you wake me?" He asked.

"Merlin told me not to." Arthur answered, not moving from his spot. He felt numb and like he had been thinking too much. He had no energy to move.

"He had some water." He informed Gaius, "And went back to sleep, he seemed to be in some pain but not too much."

"He is probably still in shock." Gaius said, bending down and looking over his ward. Merlin stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes. Gaius gasped in surprised but a smile formed on his lips as he looked down at Merlin.

"Merlin! I have been most worried about you." He said, putting a hand on Merlin's shoulder. Merlin flinched at the touch and moved away, towards Arthur. Gaius removed the hand, looking foolish at his rush action. He had dealt with victims of the same kind abuse and they seemed to be cautious of human touch after having their bodies violated like that.

"Hello Gaius." Merlin said, his voice small and pained.

"How are you feeling, my boy?" Gaius asked. Merlin tried to sit up, wincing in pain and screwing his eyes shut as diggers seemed to piece his skin.

"I'll get you a pain remedial." Gaius said, going to his work table. Arthur pushed the blanket off him and reached over to move Merlin's pillows so he was more comfortable position against them. Arthur could see him shivering so got his own discarded blanket and wrapped it around Merlin's thin shoulders. Arthur was surprised when he didn't flinch away like he had with Gaius. He gave Merlin a small smile but the Warlock was looking at his hands in his lap and didn't return it.

"I have to go." Arthur told him, "I have to go to training."

Merlin didn't acknowledge that the Prince had said anything but Gaius came back over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you sure that you are ok to go back to your duties, Sire?" He asked.

"I'm fine, Gaius." Arthur reassured him, "I can't let my Knights down." He then turned back to Merlin, "I'll be back later."

Again, Merlin said nothing and Arthur left for the day.

* * *

><p>"How is he doing?" Arthur asked Gwen as she came up to him after another uncomfortable lunch with his father.<p>

"Gaius said that his injuries are beginning to heal." Gwen said, "But he won't eat anything and he hasn't spoken since you left."

"He won't eat anything?" Arthur asked. Gwen shook her head, tears glistening in her brown eyes.

"I made a vegetable stew for him but Merlin wouldn't touch it." She told him, "I wish there was more I could do for him."

Arthur placed a hand on her arm, trying to give her some kind of comfort.

"I'm sure just knowing he has such a good friend is helping him more than you could imagine." Arthur told her, and Gwen nodded, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief.

"Tell Merlin that I will be there as soon as my duties have finished."

Gwen nodded again and left for Gaius's chambers. Arthur rubbed his forehead, a headache forming. He didn't have long to think about his manservant though as his father called for him to send him on another patrol.

That evening, Arthur walked back into the small chambers and found that Merlin was the only one that occupied it. He was curled up on his side, his eyes open but not really focusing on anything. Arthur quietly went over to the table and put down the foods he had managed to sneak out of the kitchen, not like a lot of sneaking was necessary as the kitchen staff give him whatever he wants anyway.

"I managed to get out of having dinner with my Father." Arthur said, "I just said I had a headache and wanted an early night."

Merlin didn't respond and Arthur had to wonder if he had actually heard him.

"I got some food from the kitchen for us to have." Arthur continued, not liking the silence, "It's the cook's best, rabbit stew."

He poured some into two bowls and then went over to the bed.

"Come on, Merlin, you have to eat something." Arthur told him, bending down and placing his hands on Merlin's shoulders. Merlin didn't move so Arthur pushed his shoulders gently so he rolled over.

"I'll order you to eat if I have to." Arthur told him and Merlin actually acknowledged this and glared at him.

"I would rather I asked you to eat as a friend." Arthur said, gently but firmly. His eyes were soft as he looked down at Merlin, who let out a sigh and then began trying to push himself up into a sitting position. He struggled and fell down back onto the bed, crying out as the movement shifted his injuries. Arthur bent down and helped him up by hooking his arms under Merlin's armpits and gently pulling him up. Merlin gripped his shoulders tightly as he did this and Arthur found that he quite liked the touch, and the fact that their faces were so close together. He shook these thoughts out of his head as he helped Merlin into a more comfortable position and then went to get their bowls of food. He gave Merlin his bowl and placed a plate of bread on the bed next to him. Arthur then sat down on the bed beside Merlin and started to eat his food.

Merlin stared down at his food for a little while before trying to pick up his spoon. His hands were shaking too much though and he dropped the spoon back into the stew, nearly spilling it everywhere.

"Here." Arthur said, noticing the boy struggle. He placed his bowl down on the table next to the bed and the scooted closer to Merlin. He took the bowl and spoon and then shovelled some of the stew onto the spoon. Merlin watched him carefully as Arthur brought the food to Merlin's mouth.

"I'm just trying to help." Arthur told him upon seeing his expression, "You're not allowed to tell anyone about this though."

A slightly amused look came over Merlin's features for a split second and his mouth opened to allow Arthur to feed him. Arthur couldn't help but feel slightly pleased himself as Merlin ate the food. They sat in silence as the bowl got emptier and the bread disappeared.

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Arthur asked, standing up which the food had finished and putting the dirty dishes on the table.

"Are you in pain?" He asked, looking around for a pain remedial that he was sure Gaius was making the other day. Spending so much time in here, Arthur had actually learnt some knowledge about medicine. He found a small green flask on the table which had a small label which read 'Merlin's medicine' in Gaius's messy scrawl. Arthur picked it up and went back to Merlin, handing it to him.

"I think this stuff is also to help you sleep." Arthur told him, "So after you take it you might want to lie back down."

Merlin took it but didn't drink it yet. He looked back at Arthur and the Prince found himself unable to look away from his blue eyes, which seemed to be looking into his soul. He sat there for a moment, perching on the edge of Merlin's bed, completely hypnotised.

"Why are you doing all this?" Merlin asked, his voice breaking Arthur out of his trance.

"Doing what?" Arthur asked, confused.

"Why are you being so kind to me?" Merlin asked, "You never cared in the past."

Arthur flinched at this. Had he really made Merlin feel that unwanted?

"I know I'm not the easiest person to serve bu-" Arthur started but was cut off by a nasty snort from Merlin.

"Not the easiest? Try impossible, I heard your Father was a better Master." He said, leaning his head back against the wall. Arthur was hurt by these words but tried not to show it.

"You're not the best servant either, Merlin." He pointed out. Merlin looked away, to the other side of the room where the window was. It was dark outside and the window didn't give much of a view, but there were a few stars visible. Arthur covered Merlin's hand with his and spoke again.

"I've always cared about you though." He said, "Ever since you saved me from that dagger, I knew you were going to be important, even if I didn't show it."

"I've always tried to be the best servant." Merlin mumbled, "Things just always got in the way."

"I see that now." Arthur replied, "I now see what burdens must have been placed upon you to keep myself and Camelot safe."

Merlin turned back to Arthur, tears shining in his eyes.

"Do you?" He asked, and Arthur nodded, reaching up and wiping one of the tears away as it fell.

"I... always thought you would hate me." Merlin mumbled.

"Why?" Arthur asked, shocked. He moved closer to Merlin, so their legs were pressed together and their faces were close.

"I sometimes felt like I betrayed you." Merlin answered, "You've been brought up to hate magic and here I am right under your nose saving your life using the one thing you hate the most."

"I did doubt you for about half an hour as we were riding back to Camelot." Arthur admitted, almost shamefully, "But then I realised that you were bleeding to death in my arms because you saved my life, if you had done it using a blade then you would have been knighted."

He moved his head so he was cupping Merlin's face. Merlin raised his hand to cover it, leaning into the touch and closing his eyes, tears still spilling through his eyelids.

"Why should magic be any different?" Arthur asked. They were so close that Arthur could feel Merlin's shaky breath on his cheek. He looked at Merlin's lips, biting his own. What was happening to him? Arthur thought, why was Merlin affecting him in such a way? Wasn't a man suppose to be looking at women's soft lips and longing to kiss them? Not his manservant's. Not Merlin's.

Gaius decided to come in then, and Arthur jumped away at the sound of the door opening. His hands withdrew from Merlin's face as Gaius looked up at them.

"Merlin, you're looking better." He smiled, and then noticed the empty bowls on the table.

"I...I got some food from the kitchens." Arthur explained, "Merlin had some."

Arthur was feeling very strange in the small chambers suddenly, like everyone was staring at him and reading his thoughts. He cleared his throat as Gaius beamed.

"That's great." He said, coming over. He saw that Merlin had the vile of medicine clutched in his hands, and spoke again,

"You should take that, it will help you sleep and dull the pain."

Merlin nodded, and tried to take the stopper off. Despite just having food, strength had not worked its way into Merlin's body yet and his hands were shaking. Arthur lent forward and took it from him, undoing the stopper and giving it back. Merlin looked at him as he did it and nodded in thanks. Their hands touched as Arthur gave it back and Arthur's began to tingle in the most delightful way at the feel of Merlin's skin.

Merlin gulped down the medicine in one chug and then laid back down, looking up at the ceiling. Nearly straight away the effects could be seen as sleep over took his body and mind. His eyes started to draft shut but as they did he reached out, as if searching for something. Arthur lent forward and gave him his hand, which Merlin gripped tightly. Seeming content with this connect, Merlin closed his eyes, his head leaning to the side slightly, and fell asleep.

**End of the second chapter. I know Morgana hasn't been in this and that's because I'm not quite sure how to write her character. This is set somewhere between the 3****rd**** and 4****th**** seasons, I think. Just to put a date on it. **

**Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Despite Merlin being awake and on the mend now, Arthur still couldn't bring himself to sleep upstairs in his own chambers for the first week after Merlin woke. Arthur only began to sleep in his own bed after Merlin moved back into his own room and told him that he was ok a million times and that he was bored of the Prince's face. Arthur wasn't a fool though. He knew that Merlin wasn't ok and just wanted to be on his own, as he rarely got to be nowadays. Merlin was still hurting, as was expected, but Arthur knew he needed his own space to sort out his thoughts. Arthur was scared about what Merlin might do though. Arthur hadn't told anyone about Merlin's desire to die and he was too scared to ask Merlin if he still thought that way. However it made leaving him alone a hard task.

Merlin insisted on returning to work two weeks after his return to Camelot, despite Gaius and Arthur protesting consistently. Finally, realising that the poor Warlock probably just wanted to do something to keep himself busy and away from his thoughts, Arthur allowed Merlin to do some light tasks around his chambers and also attend his training sessions. He had a sling on to help support his shoulder injury and his movements were slow and laboured most of the time. However, some colour seemed to be coming back to Merlin's pale cheeks as he spent some time outside watching the Knights practice and dual.

As the days went by, Arthur slowly realised something. Something dreadful and dangerous and unheard of. He had fallen in love with Merlin. It made him nervous, sick, angry and happy all at once. Just the sight of his manservant made Arthur feel flustered and out of focus. It was a nice feeling but it came with so many complications.

Arthur had never heard of a man falling in love with another man, but he knew that the Bible says that it is wrong, therefore the law states that it is wrong. If two men are seen together in a romantic or physical way then there is a severe punishment. And a future King of all people! Even without the law, it is impossible for a King to be with a man. They are expected to marry a noble lady and have many children to insure the throne.

And even worse, Arthur had fallen in love with Merlin! The person who had just gone through a massive trauma. His first experience of any kind of sexual activity was through force and violence, and it had been at the hands of another man. Merlin probably wouldn't be able to bare being near another man for the rest of his life. He might even find it hard to be with a woman in that kind of physical sense. Merlin certainly didn't want to be touched by Arthur. Arthur doubted that he had even forgiven him for saving his life yet, no matter how much that may hurt.

But Arthur couldn't help it. He often found himself watching Merlin as he worked, or turning and smiling at the young Warlock during training. Arthur missed him at night, and often dreamed about him. They weren't sexual dreams. It was just them being together. Laughing and talking together. Sharing soft touches and lingering kisses. Pleasant, romantic things that Arthur began longing for.

Merlin was still distant though. He didn't speak much, only when he had to, and he never seemed able to look Arthur in the eye. His eyes hadn't changed that much; still dull and empty. He hadn't smiled once and their banter had disappeared completely, no matter how much Arthur tried to start up a friendly agreement. Arthur was beginning to think that maybe he had always been in love with Merlin, but because he was not really there anymore, Arthur had only just figured it out.

Arthur bumped into Gaius one evening as the physician was coming out of his Father's room after giving the King his nightly medicine for an injury had received in battle years ago. Arthur smiled pleasantly.

"Evening Sire." Gaius greeted, looking grieve as usually, "It is most fortunate that I have bumped into you."

"Is there something you wish to discuss?" Arthur asked. Gaius nodded, and led him down the corridor, away from the King's chambers and his night guards.

"How is Merlin doing in your eyes?" He asked Arthur when they were out of ear shot. Arthur looked confused at being asked this question. Arthur was no physician so he wouldn't really know.

"He seems to be doing better, I think the wound is causing him less trouble by the day." Arthur answered, unsure what Gaius was looking for.

"Does he talk to you at all?" Gaius asked.

"A little bit, but not much, nothing like he used to." Arthur replied, sighing sadly, "We have short conversations about the day's chores and polite things like that."

"Really? He has actually spoken to you?" Gaius asked, looking surprised.

"Yes, what of it?" Arthur asked, confused even more by Gaius shock.

"He hasn't uttered a word to me since he woke two weeks ago." He replied. Arthur's eyebrows raised in shock.

"Really? But he has been speaking to me" Arthur said.

"Yes, and it seems only you, Gwen has told me that Merlin hasn't said a word to her either." Gaius told him, "He only speaks to you, even when others are in the room and addressing him."

Now that Arthur thought about it, he realised that it was true. Even when Merlin was still bedridden, he would only answer Arthur, and nod and shake his head to other people.

"He has barely eaten another either since he woke." Gaius continued, "He has become painfully thin, I worry for his heath."

"I'll see if I can get him to eat something." Arthur said, "I am having dinner in an hour, tell him to come to my chambers, I shall have the kitchen send some more food up."

A look of relief washed over Gaius as Arthur said this. Obviously his concern for Merlin was great.

"Thank you Arthur." He said, "Merlin will only listen to you at the moment and by doing this you will help him greatly."

Arthur remained quiet and just nodded as the physician walked away.

* * *

><p>Merlin looked very out of place sitting opposite Arthur at the table in the Prince's chambers. His skin was like snow compared with the red and gold decorations, and he was looking at the food spread in front of him with a slightly confused look on his face.<p>

"Is there anything else I can do, Sire?" Thomas, the 12 year old manservant, asked. He had been working alongside Merlin to serve Arthur, as Merlin was still too weak to do a lot of things. Thomas seemed slightly scared of Merlin, something Arthur found both amusing and sad. Various rumours had been thrown around among the servants and helping staff of Camelot about Merlin. Even the Knights and citizens of higher status seemed to be gossiping about what happened to the Prince's manservant while he was missing, and not doubt Thomas had heard some of them. No one was stupid enough to talk about these rumours in front of the Prince though, as Arthur threatened everyone he heard with the stocks.

"No, thank you, Thomas, you may retire for the night." Arthur told the boy, who bowed low and left the room.

Arthur watched the young servant go before turning back to Merlin, who now had a look of nauseous on his face as he looked at the food in front of him.

"What's going on?" He asked. Arthur smiled a little bit at Merlin's accusing tone.

"Guise said that you weren't eating, so I thought I'll invite you to have dinner with me." Arthur answered.

"Why?" Merlin asked again, his hands hidden in his lap. He had a look of doubt on his face. Arthur studied him for a moment, recognising the signs of distrust. He felt sad that Merlin didn't trust him anymore and wanted to do everything in his power to show the Warlock that he could be trusted.

"I'm worried about you Merlin, I just want to make sure you get better." Arthur told him.

"And the way to do that is by stuffing me with chicken, potatoes and wine?" Merlin asked, and Arthur swore for just a second he saw the old spark in Merlin's eyes flicker. Arthur smiled despite himself and nodded.

"They say that the road to recover is through good food, fine wine and laughter." He told Merlin, pouring some of the red wine into a goblet and reaching across the table to give it to him. Merlin took it hesitantly and when he did Arthur noticed that his hand was shaking. Some of the wine spilled over the edge of the goblet as Merlin handled it but Arthur acted as if he hadn't seen it, as he poured some wine for himself while Merlin dubbed the table with a cloth to clean it up.

"Dig in then." Arthur said, indicating to the dishes in front of them. Merlin looked unsure and didn't move his hands, where they were positioned on his lap again. Arthur sighed, and lent forward to start carving the small chicken that the kitchen had given them.

"Must I do everything for you, Merlin?" Arthur asked, but with a grin on his face so that Merlin knew he was joking. Merlin seemed to miss it though and bowed his hand in embarrassment as a thick slice of chicken was put on his plate.

"I've never had a meal this lavish, I wouldn't know where to start." Merlin told him. For Arthur this was a strange concept, as this meal was just a basic, day-to-day meal for him. A lavish meal for him was when a particular special guest comes to Camelot and the kitchens are ordered to go all out to impress them. The meal that was in front of them now was just a chicken, two dishes of vegetables, freshly made bread with cheese and prickle, and red wine.

Arthur helped himself to some vegetables and indicted for Merlin to do the same. He hesitated before reaching over and taking the hold of the serving spoon. Arthur watched as Merlin's shaking hands tried and failed to pick some carrots up, resulting in the root vegetable flying everywhere. Merlin let out a cry of frustration and dropped the spoon. He bowed his head and hid his face in his hands, which caused his head to shake with them.

"Here." Arthur said, sympathetically and served the carrots himself. He then stood up and walked around the table and sat by Merlin's side. He started cutting up the food for Merlin, who still hid away in his hands. Arthur couldn't tell if he was crying or not and said nothing while he cut up the food.

"Here." Arthur said again, putting a bit of a carrot on the end of the fork, and held it up for Merlin to eat. Merlin didn't look up though and Arthur sighed.

"You need to eat Merlin." He said. When Merlin still didn't look up, Arthur lent forward and covered one of Merlin's hands with his, tugging it away from his face. Merlin finally turned his head and looked at the Prince, a frustrated and lost look on his face.

"Please eat." Arthur mumbled, holding the carrot forward. Merlin noticed the begging tone and gave in, leaning forward to eat the carrot.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Arthur was quite happy that Merlin was eating, even if it meant he had to feed him himself. Merlin just let himself be fed, the blank look coming over his face. Arthur was beginning to think that this was Merlin blocking himself out to the world so he wouldn't have to face it or think about what was happening around him. Arthur imagined that he must be quite embarrassed by the fact that he can't handle a knife and fork because of his hands. The Prince knew that he definitely would be embarrassed to have to be fed by someone else.

"You probably haven't had enough rest." Arthur told Merlin as he stabbed a bit of chicken onto the fork, "You're injuries are far from being healed, maybe you should take another week off, Thomas is-"

"No!" Merlin said harshly, turning away from Arthur and the fork of food. Arthur looked at him, confused.

"What?" He asked.

"I can't go back to doing nothing." Merlin told him.

"Merlin, you've been through a lot, no one is going to judge you for taking a couple more days off." Arthur told him gently. Merlin shook his head, still looking away.

"When I'm not doing anything then all I can think about is..." Merlin started but his voice faded off, not wanting to remember. Arthur bit his lip, not knowing what to say. Merlin had said nothing to anyone about what had happened while he was being held captive. Gaius had tried to get the young man to open up about it but he had refused.

"Maybe a few lighter tasks then." Arthur suggested. Merlin laughed, but it wasn't his proper, filled with light and happiness laugh. It was cool and hallow and it made Arthur flinch.

"All I'm doing at the moment is cleaning your armour and watching your training." Merlin replied, looking back at him, "If I was doing anything less than I would be dead."

Arthur flinched again at the choice of words but said nothing. He shoved the piece of chicken into Merlin's mouth before he could say anything else.

"Eat more than." The Prince told him, "You will get better sooner, and I'll have my useless servant back."

Merlin bowed his head at this, not saying anything. Arthur could tell that he had hurt his feelings though as Merlin took the fork back, and continued to feed himself, despite the difficulty due to his hands.

"You're not that useless, I guess." Arthur mumbled a few minutes later, pulling his plate towards him so he could eat his own dinner. His ego didn't allow him to say anything else and he cursed himself for it. Merlin didn't reply, but continued with his dinner, no longer eating it but just pushing the food around his plate to make it seem like he was eating his meal.

"You can have dinner here again tomorrow night if you want." Arthur told Merlin after he had finished his food. Merlin's plate was still half full.

"Why are you doing this?" Merlin asked. Arthur was struck by a sense of déjà vu from when Merlin had asked this before. It was like he was confused by Arthur's kindness. Had he really been that awful to Merlin before?

"Is it so hard to believe that I care about you?" Arthur asked. When Merlin didn't reply, Arthur took that as a yes, and he felt his heart break a little bit. If Merlin wouldn't even believe that he cared about him, how was he going to prove to him that he loved him?

"I should get going." Merlin said eventually, placing his fork back down on the plate and looking up at Arthur. Arthur wanted to tell him to stay. He wanted to tell Merlin a lot of things, but just having dinner with his manservant was deemed inappropriate so kept his mouth shut and just nodded.

"Thank you for the food." Merlin said, standing up, "Goodnight, Sire."

Arthur winced at the word and watched Merlin bow his head before leaving. Merlin hadn't said it in a spiteful or angry way but in a respectful way. The way that all servants should address their masters. But Arthur didn't want Merlin addressing him in this way. It felt too formal and he didn't want their relationship to be formal or one where different statuses got in the way. He wanted them to be equals. To be friends at least.

Arthur sighed, rubbing his temple as he thought about all of this. The likelihood of their relationship ever being different was very slim, but Arthur couldn't help but hope.

* * *

><p>The next day Arthur walked into his chambers, absentmindedly reading part of a peace treaty that his father had drawn up for them to unite with a neighbouring kingdom. Arthur was eating an apple and not really concentrating on anything, as he sat down at his table to read over the rest of the treaty. A soft snore brought him out of his trance and he looked towards his bed, surprised that someone was sleeping in his chambers. Merlin was curled up on his side on the partly made bed. He was clutching a pillow to his chest and mumbling something. He looked peaceful for the first time in weeks and a smile grew across Arthur's face as he watched him sleep.<p>

Wondering how Merlin ended up sleeping in his bed, Arthur left him alone and went back to reading the treaty. He quite liked the feeling of working while Merlin was asleep in the same room, and bed. It give Arthur a sense of what it might be like to share a room with the young Warlock, and now he wished it would become true more than anything else. It felt peaceful and right, like it had always been this way. Thinking about it, Arthur had always been most at ease when he was in his chambers, reading or working on something, and Merlin was in there with him, doing whatever he was meant to be doing. The chatter and banter they shared made the work go by faster, and even if Merlin silent, his mere presence gave Arthur a sense of comfort.

Arthur kept on working, scribbling his ideas on the treaty down on a spare bit of parchment lied out beside him. His father was trying to get him more involved in the kingdom now that the King was getting older, and being an active part of this peace treaty was very important for both kingdoms.

About an hour later, the sky was darkening and Arthur yawned, stretching his arms out in front of him to get rid of the stiffness that they had developed. He should call for dinner as it was getting late.

Just as Arthur was considering to call for Thomas or to go down to the kitchens himself, Merlin started shifting in his sleep. A loud cry fell from his lips as his face screwed up in terror. Arthur looked over to him, alarmed at the change that had over Merlin. He was shaking in his sleep, kicking his legs and arms out as if he was trying to defend himself. The pillow that he had been hugging fell to the floor as he let out another yell.

"No! Get away!" Merlin yelled, horror and panic lacing his voice, "Stop! Leave me alone!"

Arthur stood up as Merlin's shouts got louder. They seemed to piece his skin like diggers, making it painful just to listen to how scared Merlin was.

"Help me!" Merlin cried, his hands in tight fists as he clutched the bed sheets, his face shaking from side to side.

"Arthur!" Merlin shouted and the Prince rushed to his side, trying to wake him. He shook Merlin's shoulder and Merlin jumped awake. At once his eyes turned gold and Arthur felt himself being thrown across the room. He hit the wall and slid to the bottom, stars forming in front of his eyes. His head hurt as he groaned.

"Arthur!" Merlin gasped, his voice still filled with fear. He rushed to the Prince's side, kneeling down beside him. Arthur blinked several times trying to get his vision right again as he saw double. He reached his hand up behind his head, wincing as he felt the lump forming there.

"Arthur, I'm so sorry!" Merlin cried and Arthur managed to focus on him. Merlin had thick tears rolling down his face as he reached up and touched the back of Arthur's head as well. There was no blood, but a massive bump. Arthur winced again as Merlin touched it, feeling slightly sick.

"I'm...sorry." Merlin cried, bowing his head as his whole body shook with the heavy tears, "I...thought...I..."

"It's ok." Arthur said, reaching up to touch Merlin's arm, "I understand."

Arthur's forgiveness didn't seem to help Merlin though. In fact the tears just grew heavier, his whole body rocking with sobs. He bent his head so low that it was touching Arthur's chest, his hands resting either side of his torso.

"I'm sorry." Merlin kept saying over and over again, the tears not reducing. Arthur pulled Merlin down on top of him and let the manservant cry into his chest as he held him close. Merlin's hair tickled Arthur's nose as he hid his face in the Prince's chest, his shoulders shaking. Arthur bit his lip, tears coming to his own eyes as tried to understand why Merlin was so guilt ridden. It had been an accident but Merlin was acting like he had done Arthur great harm. Arthur's heart seemed to beat faster as he felt Merlin's own heartbeat against his skin. He could feel Merlin's skin through his thin tunic and Arthur was sure he forgot to breathe for a second as he felt the warmth of his skin.

"I'm fine, Merlin." Arthur told him, running a hesitant hand through the Warlock's soft, black hair.

"I'm sorry." Merlin whispered again as if he hadn't heard him. Arthur wished he could hold him forever, but Merlin moved away, his eyes still streaming with tears. Arthur looked at him, sitting up slowly, and rubbing his head as he did so.

"I have to go." Merlin whispered through his tears. He went to stand but Arthur grabbed his hand.

"Please don't." Arthur mumbled, looking into Merlin's eyes. The tears made the blue colour dull to a grey and they were flickering with emotion. Every now and again a slight gold thread would flash through Merlin's eyes, like a shooting star. Arthur wondered if they use to do that before, and if so how he hadn't noticed it. It was so beautiful.

"I'm sorry, Arthur." Merlin said again, but this time it didn't sound like he was apologising for throwing Arthur across the room but for something completely different. Before Arthur could ask what, Merlin had pulled his arm away and had rushed out of the room, tears still pouring down his face.

Arthur would have gone after him, if his head had not been spinning. He sighed again, standing up. He decided to go to bed without dinner, his thoughts too mixed up to stomach any kind of food. Merlin had looked so heartbroken as he had leaned over Arthur, like he couldn't believe what he had just done. Like hurting Arthur could be the worst possible thing he could have done.

* * *

><p>The next day, after nearly throwing up at training, Arthur went down to Gaius's chamber to get advice on his spinning head. He sat on a chair as Gaius looked at the back of his head.<p>

"That's quite a bump you have there." Gaius said, touching it. Arthur flinched but said nothing.

"How did you get it?" The physician asked, letting go off Arthur's head and turning around to his work table.

"Just sparing last night with Leon." Arthur lied, turning to him, "Lost my footing and he caught the back of my head."

Gaius raised an eyebrow, looking through the lie but choosing to say nothing.

"You didn't go to sleep afterwards did you?" He asked.

"Yeah, I felt tired and it was late." Arthur replied. Gaius raised another, disapproving eyebrow.

"You should have come straight to me." He told the young Prince, "You probably got a concession."

While Gaius lectured him, Arthur looked at Merlin's door, which was shut. Arthur hadn't seen him all day, and it was Thomas who had served him breakfast. Merlin hadn't even been at training, watching from the sidelines like he normally was. Arthur was worried about him.

"How is Merlin?" Arthur asked, breaking Gaius off in mid-speech. The old man went quiet and followed Arthur's glance to Merlin's door.

"I haven't seen him today, Sire." Gaius told him, "His door is locked and he wouldn't let me in."

Arthur frowned at this news. He hoped that Merlin was ok. He felt a sudden urge to knock the door down.

"Did something happen?" Gaius asked. Arthur looked at him, slightly surprised.

"No." Arthur lied again, "Why do you ask?"

"Merlin came in here in right state last night." Gaius told him, "He was crying and quite hysterical, I couldn't get a word out of him."

Arthur looked down at his lap, feeling slightly guilty. Last night was partly his fault, even if he hadn't meant to startle Merlin.

"Throughout all this I haven't seen him act in such a way. He had cried in pain, but it seemed like last night he just snapped, like everything had caught up on him." Gaius continued, "It was quite heartbreaking."

Arthur looked up to the old man that he had known all his life. Arthur had never seen him look so sad and unsure. Gaius always knew what to do, but know it seemed like he was lost. Arthur understood though. Merlin was like a son to him.

"I wish there was something I could do to heal his pain." Gaius told the prince, "But wounds like this take a lifetime to heal."

Arthur didn't say anything and Gaius gave him a pain remedial and let him go. Arthur didn't go far though as he was still worried about Merlin. He sat down on a bench along a corridor just off from Gaius's chambers. If anyone walked away from the physician's chambers, Arthur would be able to see.

* * *

><p>Merlin peered out of his door as darkness fell around the castle. Gaius had just started snoring and now was a better time than ever to creep out. He quietly walked across the room, careful to not knock anything, and then left. As he closed the door behind him, he lifted the hood of his coat over his head so half his face was hidden, and then silently walked away from the chambers and out of the castle.<p>

The guards took no notice of him as he walked out of the castle and through the lower town, and out of the gates. It was almost like he was invisible. That's what it felt like sometimes. Like he was completely invisible, but other times he felt like everyone was staring at him. Seeing all of his secrets and whispering about him. Judging him.

Merlin kept his head down and his arms crossed tightly to his chest as he walked through the woods surrounding the castle. He walked for about an hour until he got to a green clearing and walked to the middle of it. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before throwing his head up so forcefully that his hood fell down, and shouted:

"_O drakon, e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!_"

For a few seconds the clearing was silent. Not even a bird or a bug made a sound, but suddenly there was a rush of wind and a loud thud as Kilgharrah the great dragon landed in front of Merlin.

"I've been expecting your call, Young Warlock." The Dragon said, his voice a low rumble. Merlin studied him for a moment, his body tense.

"If I was to command you to kill me, would you have to do it?" Merlin finally asked, looking the dragon in the eye. He could see his reflection in the giant yellow eyes. How weak he had become. How frail.

The dragon seemed to roar in frustration, shaking the ground beneath them.

"I would have no choice, but do not order such a thing of me, Warlock." The Dragon told him, his voice louder than normal, "I do not want to be responsible for the extinction of a once great race."

"You mean the Dragon Lords?" Merlin asked, and the Dragon nodded his head.

"I do not want to kill you."

Merlin tightened his hands in frustration, shaking his head.

"There is no reason for me to live anymore." Merlin yelled, tears in his eyes, "I am nothing!"

"You are wrong." The Dragon told him, "You still have many great things to accomplish."

"Did you know?" Merlin accused, pointing an angry finger up to Kilgharrah, "Did you know what was to happen to me?"

"I did not." The Dragon reassured him, "But once you were there I saw it."

"Why didn't you come for me?" Merlin asked, his voice creaking.

"I saw that it was more important for another to rescue you." The Dragon said, and then held his head up high.

"But once you were gone, I made sure to track every single last one of them men down and I burned them to ash."

Merlin frowned, confused at what the Dragon was saying. However, there was a small part of him that was relived. He had been having nightmares about the men finding him in bed and taking him again.

"Why did you do that?" Merlin asked. He always thought that the dragon hated him. First for not keeping his promise, and then for being able to control the proud beast.

"I saw that you and another would seek revenge." The Dragon explained, "And it was possible that your mind would become corrupt while you were seeking vengeance, I could not let that happen, the world needs you good and pure."

Merlin snorted at this, not sure what to think. He was no longer pure. Those bastards had made sure to rid him of anything clean. All he was filthy and dirty. No one would want to touch him now. He was also shocked to hear what the Dragon had seen. Kilgharrah was able to see many futures, and a future where he was evil and bitter, only out for revenge, seemed like a scary world to him. He cursed these slave merchants again for what they could have turned him into.

"What is left for me now?" Merlin asked, his knees giving out as he cried. He kneeled in front of the beast, grief overtaking him.

"I just want my life to be over." Merlin admitted, "It's all I think about, all I live are those three weeks, over and over again, I want it to stop."

"One day it will stop." The Dragon reassured him, "One day your heart and mind will heal."

"I want it to stop now!" Merlin yelled, holding his head in his hands, his chest, side, back and rear hurting. A constant reminder of what had happened.

"If I die." Merlin mumbled, rocking back and forth, "Then at least I'll be with Freya and Balinor, and Will."

"But if you die then you will leave a lot of people behind." The Dragon tried to remind him. He turned his head to the side, staring into the trees. Merlin followed his glance and saw a flash of blonde hair and a sliver sword.

"You're not alone Merlin, as you think you are." The Dragon said, before stretching out his wings and bracing his legs to take off from the ground.

"One day, Young Warlock, you will heal." He said, before flying off.

Arthur ran out of the trees as he did so, watching the beast fly away.

"What...?" Arthur asked, confused as he stood next to the kneeling Merlin, his head raised up to look the dragon becoming smaller and smaller.

Arthur had seen Merlin leave his chambers and sneak out of the castle. The prince had followed him down to the clearing and watched as Merlin let out an almighty yell. It was like nothing Arthur had ever heard before. It was full of power and authority, something he didn't think Merlin purchased.

When the dragon had landed in front of Merlin, Arthur had drawn his sword, readying himself to rush out and attack the beast. He stopped though as Merlin spoke to the dragon in words that the Prince did not understand. And the dragon seemed to talk back. It made low growling noises that seemed to come from deep within it. The sounds made the ground shake and the hairs on Arthur's neck stand on end.

"I thought we killed it?" Arthur asked, shocked as he looked back down to Merlin, who had bowed his head. His shoulders were shaking but when he spoke he seemed calm.

"No, I just commanded that he stopped the attack."

"How could you let him live, Merlin?" Arthur yelled, confused and angry, "He attacked Camelot and killed people!"

Merlin looked up and Arthur could see the anger in his eyes. The Warlock slowly stood and Arthur hid a flinch, remembering the yell that had escaped from Merlin's lips earlier.

"Do you really blame him?" Merlin asked, "Your father killed his entire race! His parents, and his children and his lover, and then locked him up with no food, or water or sunlight!"

Arthur stood his ground, holding eye contact with the angry manservant.

"But the dragons were ma-" Arthur started but was cut off by Merlin screaming again.

"The dragons were a peaceful race, even if they did posses magic." Merlin told him, "Kilgharrah had a family and a life before Uther decided to take that all away, do you really blame him for wanting revenge? Wouldn't you?"

"Why are you defending him?" Arthur asked. He had never thought of the dragons as intelligent or ever processing any kind of emotion. His father had told him of the dragons and described them as evil and hateful creatures. They only wanted to harm people and that is why he killed them all. The first time Arthur had ever seen a dragon, the beast had been blowing fire at the citizens of Camelot, so of course he had instantly agreed with what his father had taught him.

But now Merlin was showing him a completely different side of the story. Arthur must admit, if he was the beast, he would want revenge as well.

"Because I know what it is like to be the last of a race." Merlin told him, his clutched fists shaking and tears gathering in his eyes.

"What?" Arthur asked, confused. He stepped forward and placed his hands on Merlin's arms as he nearly bent double as tears began to flow.

"I'm a Dragon Lord." Merlin told him, "I am the last Dragon Lord, it is my responsibility to look after Kilgharrah, we are bound together."

"I thought Balinor was the last Dragon Lord?" Arthur asked. Merlin looked back up at him, deep sorrow in his eyes.

"He was my father." Merlin told him. Arthur bit his lip as sympathy took over his confusion and anger. Seeing your father die like that in your arms must have been extremely hard.

"There is so much I need to tell you." Merlin said, taking a step closer to Arthur and clinging onto his shirt, "So much I have always wanted to tell you but I thought you would hate me for it."

"I would never hate you." Arthur promised, holding Merlin up as his legs gave way from the anguish that was haunting his mind. Arthur gently brought them down, so they were sitting on the grass, Merlin leaning against Arthur as his body shook with heavy sobs.

"Tell me Merlin." Arthur said, his lips against the Warlock's ear, "I can never hate you, so tell me what you wish to tell me."

Merlin then told Arthur. He told Arthur about his childhood; how his mother tried to explain why he was so different to other children, and all the taunts and fights that he experienced because he was different and because he had no father. He explained why having no father hurt him so badly and how he hated his father for leaving him and his mother, to only know now that it was because the Knights of Camelot had been chasing Balinor and he had not want to put his mother in danger. Merlin told Arthur about why he had come to Camelot, and his first meeting with Kilgaharrah and how the Great Dragon had told him about their intertwined destinies and how Arthur, with the help of Merlin, was going to make Albion a great Kingdom, where magic is once again allowed to run free. Merlin told Arthur about all the occasions that he had saved the Prince, only for someone else to get the credit, or for Arthur to see right through his bravery and loyalty. Merlin told Arthur about how much this hurts him and how having to hide his powers was heartbreaking. How unfair it is that children, that weren't even born when Uther passed the law, are hunted down just for being born a certain way. What have they ever done wrong? Why should they be hunted like animals?

Arthur listened to all of this and finally realised what horrors his father had inflicted on innocent people. A tear actually fell from his eye as he held Merlin close and listened to him talk about how he fears for his life every day. If Merlin's weapon was a sword and he had saved the Camelot the same amount of times using the blade instead of magic then he would have been Knighted years ago and would be part of the high court. But because he used magic, the opposite had happened. He was a manservant and had little money, and a very uncomfortable bed in a cold room, and if he was found out then he would be executed, without a trail no less.

By the time Merlin had finished his tale, the two young men were lying on their side on the grass, their heat protected by Merlin's long coat and Arthur's cloak. Arthur held Merlin close against him, listening to every word. Now Merlin was quiet and Arthur was listening to his breathing. Sobs were still escaping Merlin's lips and his shaking breaths were blowing softly against Arthur's neck. Arthur closed his eyes at the sensation, stroking Merlin's back in small, gentle circles.

"Things will change." Arthur told him, reaching one hand up and stroking his hair. Merlin looked up at Arthur, his eyes wide and wet.

"How do you know?" He asked, and Arthur chuckled slightly, wiping Merlin's wet cheek with his thumb.

"I am going to be King one day, Merlin." He told him, "I will do more than just sit around on my throne all day."

Arthur was expecting Merlin to say some kind of witty come back. The old Merlin would have, but this Merlin just looked at Arthur with a hopeful expression on his face.

"Do you mean it?" He asked. Arthur took a deep breath before answering. He had to be careful of what he said, as he loved his father, no matter the mistakes he had made.

"I think it is clear that my father didn't really think through these laws before putting them in place." Arthur started, "I think that he has only ever seen one side to magic, but you have made it clear in my eyes that there are many different sides to magic, just as there are to any tool; it can be wielded for good and bad."

Merlin kept staring at him, his hands clutching the front of Arthur's shirt tightly as he listened.

"I plan to change the laws so that using magic for good purposes are not punished, because I can see no wrong in using the power to help crops grow and for healing people." Arthur continued, "However, the use of magic for any type of evil will be dealt with the same as any other bad deed; use of dark magic will be forbidden."

"Re...Really?" Merlin asked, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. All his hopes and wishes since coming to Camelot were coming to true. Everything he had set out to accomplish was going to happen.

And Arthur didn't hate him!

"There is no way I will be able to change my father's mind now though." Arthur told him seriously, "He is far too set in his ways and I have never known a hatred as strong as his for magic, but I promise that I will do everything in my power to not let anyone else be killed for something they were born with."

Merlin suddenly threw his arms around Arthur's neck, surprising the prince at the forwardness. Even though they had been lying next to each other for the last couple of hours, Arthur had been cautious with how much he had been touching Merlin, and had let Merlin insatiate when and where Arthur could touch him. Arthur didn't want to scare Merlin or make him feel uncomfortable. Gaius had told him how distant people who had gone through similar things as Merlin can be, and even the slightest touch can make them have flashbacks and make them sacred.

However, as Merlin hugged him tightly, burying his face in his neck, Arthur held him just as tightly. He felt Merlin's tense shoulders relax, like a massive weight had been lifted and had flown away. Arthur smiled, bring him close so that their chests were touching.

"Thank you." Merlin mumbled, tickling Arthur's neck. The prince said nothing, just cherishing the feel of Merlin against him. He closed his eyes and imagined them doing this all the time. Curled up in bed, just holding each other. Nothing sexually, just enjoying the feel of each other's heart beats against their skins, and talking deep into the night about everything. If Arthur tried really hard then he could imagine them far away from Camelot, owning a house together and adopting some children as their own. Arthur would give anything for that. He would give up his crown, if his people didn't need him so much. Sometimes Arthur wished that his father had remarried and had another son, so the lives of many people and the survival of an entire kingdom weren't just on his shoulders and his shoulders alone.

"We better get you back inside." Arthur told Merlin, feeling him shivering under his fingertips. Merlin nodded, breaking away and looking back at Arthur. A small smile grew across Merlin's face and Arthur forgot how to breathe for a moment. He knew how hard it must be for Merlin to manage what seemed like such a small thing at the moment, but he had done it, and Arthur thanked the Gods for blessing him with such a beautiful sight.

"You are going to make a great king, Sire." Merlin said, and Arthur shook his head, sitting up and bringing Merlin with him.

"Don't call me Sire anymore." He told Merlin.

"Why not?" Merlin asked, frowning in confusion.

"Because we are friends, and I want us to be equals." Arthur told him, standing up and offering him a hand. Merlin took it, the small smile returning.

"When I become King, you weren't be a manservant anymore." Arthur promised him, "I will make you the court advisor and sorcerer, and you will help me rule Camelot, as our destinies foretell."

He said this proudly and the smile on Merlin's face grew slightly as he took this in.

"You will need all the help you can get." Merlin said, sarcastically and Arthur felt like throwing his arms around Merlin as he saw a shadow of his old self returning. Arthur gave him a gentle shove instead, smiling. He picked up his sword and returned it to its scabbard.

"Come on, before you freeze to death." Arthur told him, and then started to lead the way back up to the castle.

As they walked through the woods, the silence that had grown around them was comfortable and content, but Arthur noticed that as they walked through the gates and the lower town, Merlin become more and more withdrawn. His arms were folded to his chest and his head was bowed. Arthur was disappointed that his good mood had worn off so quickly, but there was really nothing else to expect. As Gaius kept on reminding him, wounds like Merlin's take a long time to heal.

**3****rd**** Chapter! **

**I think that there will only be one more chapter, but I have a verge idea for a sequel, something that is something happier. I hope you like this chapter. I know it is really depressing.**

**Please review! :P **


	4. Chapter 4

Once they got into the castle and to the corridor where they had to split to go to their separate chambers, Arthur stopped walking and turned to Merlin.

"Do you want to come to my chambers?" He asked the Warlock. Merlin didn't look at him and for a moment Arthur thought he was going to say no, however Merlin slowly nodded.

"Ok." Arthur smiled, "I'll just go get a jug of wine from the kitchen, I'll be up there in a minute."

Merlin nodded again, still silent, and started to walk in the direction of the Prince's chambers. Arthur watched him walk away for a moment, and then turned around and walked towards the kitchen. He just wanted to make sure Merlin was ok before he went back to his small, cold bedroom. Arthur was also quite enjoying chatting to him and he hoped it was helping his manservant in some way, no matter how small.

Arthur got the wine and then quickly made his way back up to his chambers, not wanting to keep Merlin waiting. He smiled as he opened the door to his chambers, but then he nearly dropped the jug of wine.

Merlin was sitting on the bed, his back against the centre of the headboard, and he was completely naked, with the bed cover over his hips and legs. He was twirling his hands around each other nervously, and his skin was so pale it nearly looked transparent. He didn't look up as Arthur came into the room, but the Prince hold a scared little noise come from his mouth.

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped, unsure of what to do. He shut the door behind him and placed the jug on the table.

"Merlin, what are you doing?" Arthur asked, shocked.

"Serving you." Merlin answered, still not looking up. His hands stilled and rested on his lap, and he licked his lips nervously.

"What?" Arthur asked, confused. He stayed by the table, not wanting to go near Merlin as he realised something was seriously wrong. What did Merlin think he was going to do?

"You said come to your chambers." Merlin replied, looking down at his hands, "I realised that what you...wanted to do."

"No!" Arthur said, shaking as he realised what Merlin was thinking. He struggled to breathe as he slowly walked over to the bed, shaking his head.

"No! Merlin, no." Arthur said, tears in his eyes.

How could Merlin think that? Was he really as bad as the people that had kidnapped him?

"No." Arthur breathed and tears fell from his eyes for the first time since he was a child. He kneeled down on the floor next to the bed, shaking his head as he hid it in his arms.

He was crying for Merlin and everything he went through, but he was also crying for himself. It felt selfish but Arthur now felt that there was no hope whatsoever for their relationship to develop now, and his heart ached because of it. If Merlin really did think that all Arthur wanted was so release his pleasures by using him, then there was no way that Merlin would be able to think of him as anything other than a monster.

"I see the way that you have begun to look at me." Arthur heard Merlin say, confusion and sadness in his voice, "I see the way that you want me now, ever since I've come back, I know you want my body."

"No." Arthur tried to tell him, looking up. Merlin was still looking down at his hands, which were rolling over each other again.

"It's not like that Merlin." Arthur told him. The tears were hot on his face, but he didn't care, "I want to ease your pain, not make it worse."

"Then what is with all the touches and you being so kind to me?" Merlin asked, his voice rising in anger, "You were never like that before."

I... I didn't realise before." Arthur told him.

"Realise what?" Merlin asked, his hands screwing into fists around the throw that covered him.

"How much I care about you" Arthur admitted, "Them three weeks were hell and I don't ever want to lose you again!" His voice was loud and determined as he looked straight at Merlin.

Merlin went silent, but his hands relaxed and he bowed his head. His hair, which had grown and was in desperate need of a cut, feel across his face slightly, hiding his eyes.

"Why would you allow yourself to go through this again?" Arthur asked, tears still running down in cheeks. He didn't bother to wipe them away as Merlin answered.

"I...thought...because, of what you said in the clearing, I...I thought you wanted payment." He told Arthur, "They...they always wanted...payment."

"Who?" Arthur asked, even though he already knew the answer. However, this was the first time Merlin had said anything about his experience during them three weeks to anyone, and the Prince thought that maybe it would be a good idea for Merlin to finally open up.

"Can I get dressed?" Merlin asked, nervously, finally looking up at Arthur.

"Oh!" Arthur said, feeling silly, "Yes, of course, I'll get your clothes."

He got up, wiping his cheek roughly on his sleeve, and gathered Merlin's clothes that were in a neat pile on the table. Arthur's hands were shaking as he picked them up. He felt hurt that Merlin would think such a thing of him, but in a way he understood it. It was what Merlin had become use to.

Arthur gave Merlin his clothes, before walking over to the dressing screen to give him so privacy. Arthur lent against the wall, running his hands through his hair. Seeing Merlin sitting on the bed like that, looking completely defeated and broken, had torn at Arthur's heart. He felt ashamed for making Merlin think that even though he was now safely back at Camelot, these treatments were still expected of him.

When Arthur heard the bed squeak as Merlin sat down on it again, he came out from behind the screen and looked at him. Merlin's skin was still very pale, and his washed out clothes made him look even more skinny and vulnerable. Arthur sat down on the bed with him, but right at the end so not to give Merlin any kind of negative hint. He couldn't believe that all the touches and hugs that Arthur had given to him to be kind and caring and what he thought Merlin needed, Merlin had interpreted as him trying to hurt him.

There was silence for a very long moment, but Arthur wanted Merlin to say the first word, so he waited. Merlin licked his lips nervously, making them dry and his hands twisted around and around. He didn't look at Arthur but out the window, at the night sky. It was a clear night and millions of stars could be seen, even from the bed.

Finally, Merlin spoke,

"They couldn't sell me." He said, his voice quiet. Arthur had to stern his ears to hear him.

"Word got out pretty quickly that you were searching for your manservant, so no one wanted to buy me because they knew that you would probably kill them." Merlin continued, "They all knew that I was your manservant as well, because apparently I was the only one that looked 'Camelot worthy', as were the words of one old man."

As he said this, Merlin ran his hands up and down his arms, as if he was cold. Arthur wanted to reach other and wrap the throw around his shoulders, but the Prince stayed still, listening intently.

"They...they got angry, so they whipped me." Merlin said, one hand subconsciously going to his left shoulder blade, where Arthur knew, from when he was helping Gaius nurse him, there was a thick, long cut that was already healing with a pink scar around the edge.

"I passed out from the pain, and when I woke there was one of them on top of me...touching me." Merlin said this while staring into the space in front of him, his eyes glossing over so he could close himself off and still be able to talk. It was like he was under a trance.

"I was still in a lot of pain...so I couldn't...couldn't do anything...it just happened. I think I passed out again because the next thing I remember is waking up in that dark castle, and I was bleeding everywhere. The same man came in the room a little while later with some food, but he wouldn't give it to me until I gave him some kind of payment."

Arthur shivered as he listened to this. He was semi-aware of the tears that still fell from his eyes, but he was too numb to wipe them away.

"I got scared though...when he touched me and...and my magic just kind of worked on its own." Merlin told him, "He got thrown across the room and part of the wall fell in, more men ran in and then got the whip out as they realised that I had hurt him...they soon realised that I was magic, so they kept me weak so I couldn't use it."

Arthur felt the sudden urge to grab his sword and hold the hilt tightly, as he normally does before a battle. He wanted these people to pay.

"Everything they gave me I had to give payment for, and they were rough." Merlin said, his tone empty of emotion, "I was bleeding a lot, and I felt so dirty...I still feel dirty, like their smell won't come off."

He shivered, and rubbed his arms again.

"You're not dirty." Arthur spoke up, his voice creaking. Merlin didn't look at him, but lowered his head.

"When I heard the alarms and people shouting that you were in the castle, there were three men in the room with me. They sometimes watched as one man did it, and then take turns." Merlin explained, "I knew there were too many men for you to fight single-handily, so my magic fought its way through my weakness to make the castle fall. The men went flying back and I...I thought they were dead. I think I might have passed out again but then I saw your face."

Merlin finally looked up to the crying, shaking Arthur. He looked confused as he looked at Arthur's face and reached a hand out to touch the Prince's wet cheek. Arthur's eyes fluttered shut for a split second at the feel of Merlin's fingertips against his skin.

"You've been crying?" Merlin said; a question more than a statement.

"I'm crying for you." Arthur replied and then took a deep breath, "Sorry, I should be more strong then this."

"I...I guess I should be flattered." Merlin said, "I've never seen you cry before."

"I can't ever remember being this sad before." Arthur answered honestly. Merlin's thumb gentle stroked underneath Arthur's eye, wiping some of the tears away. Arthur closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. He kept his hands on his lap though, not wanting to do anything to hurt Merlin.

"I thought of you." Merlin said quietly and Arthur opened his eyes again to meet piecing blue orbs staring back at him.

"And I dreamt of you often." Merlin whispered.

"I never stopped thinking of you." Arthur told him, his voice strong and sincere, "I knew I was going to find you."

Merlin smiled. A proper, genuine smile, that made Arthur's insides sore and more tears to form in his eyes at the sight of such a beautiful thing.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said, his hand still on Arthur's cheek. The smile left his face as he bowed his head, looking ashamed.

"Why are you sorry?" Arthur asked, confused. He wanted Merlin to lift his head. He wanted to cup Merlin's chin and gently lift it so they were looking at each other again, but fear kept his hands firmly in his lap.

"I...I just feel so dirty now." Merlin said, "I wanted to get married one day and have children but that won't happen now."

"Of course it will!" Arthur told him, even though a small part of him was breaking. Marriage. Children. You can do none of them things with another man.

"No one will want to touch me now." Merlin sighed, withdrawing his hand. Arthur went to grab it but stopped, his hand midway in the air. Merlin looked at his hand, a hurt look on his face.

"I want to touch you." Arthur told him, trying to reassure him.

"Just because you know what I'm worthy of now." Merlin said sourly, looking away.

"No!" Arthur said, angry now, "Do you really think that of me, Merlin? Am I really that evil?"

"No." Merlin admitted, "I'm just confused."

He sighed and kept looking away, refusing to look at Arthur.

"It's just before you didn't even look at me, and you just treated me like your servant, which is understandable because I am just your servant, but now you're hugging me and feeding me, and looking after me." Merlin explained, "I'm grateful, but confused."

"Even before you were kidnapped, I thought of you as a friend." Arthur told him, "You were and are the only person I can be myself around, but I have never had friends before so I guess I didn't know how to act, and evidently I treated you wrong."

Merlin turned back to Arthur. He looked tired and ill.

"I promise I would never do anything to you that you didn't want me to do." Arthur said, "I didn't promise the law change because I wanted...wanted you...to have some kind of payment." He said this, struggling to find the right words. It all sounded disgusting to him, not matter how it was said.

"I did it because I truly believe things have to change."

Merlin kept looking at him, as if he didn't want to believe him.

"I promise, from now on I will protect you and keep you safe." Arthur said. Merlin didn't say anything. He bit his lip, which was quivering slightly. He reached over slowly, taking Arthur's hand and bringing it to rest in his lap, between both his own hands.

"Thank you." Merlin mumbled.

"Do you believe me when I say that I'm not going to hurt you?" Arthur asked, needing to know if Merlin trusted him or not. Merlin nodded.

"I'm sorry for thinking that." He said, looking embarrassed now.

"It's fine." Arthur told him, "I understand that it must be hard to trust anyone at the moment."

Merlin nodded.

"I want to trust you though." He said, "It's not fair that I don't, and Gaius, I know it hurts him that I can't stand being in the same room as him for too long."

"Gaius understands, he wants to help you too." Arthur tried to reassure him.

"I know." Merlin sighed, tears prickling at the side of his eyes. There were deep circles under his eyes and Arthur knew that he was tired. It was nearly morning, as the sky reminded them by starting to turn a dark blue.

"You should go to bed." Arthur told him, "Do you want me to walk you down to your chambers?"

Merlin looked out of the window and a small chuckle escaped his lips.

"There doesn't seem much point, does there? In an hour the kitchen will open and breakfast will begin to get served."

"It's been a long night." Arthur commented, sighing. He felt the lack of sleep lagging on his shoulders.

"What were you talking about with the Dragon anyway?" The thought suddenly coming to him as he looked back at Merlin. The Warlock sighed again, long and tired.

"I was asking him to kill me."

Arthur's mouth fell open slightly and his heart dropped. His fears were confirmed. Merlin still thought he should be dead.

"What...what did he say?" Arthur asked, nervously.

"He refused." Merlin told him, looking at him, "He said that I still had much to do."

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief and he knew that Merlin saw him.

"I don't think I could live without you." Arthur told him truthfully, "Please don't die."

"You wouldn't live long without me anyway." Merlin told him, "I don't know how you ever coped without me in the first place."

Merlin said this with a hint of his old cheekiness in his voice. It changed the atmosphere around them completely. It became lighter, and gave Arthur hope. Maybe Merlin was getting better.

"Well, all the trouble seemed to come after you arrived." Arthur joked back. Merlin looked back at him, his eyes lighter then Arthur had seen in a while.

"I guess I'll stick around for you then." Merlin said, quietly. Arthur could have thrown himself across the bed to kiss him right then, but with his strong will he resisted. He smiled though.

* * *

><p>Over the next couple of months, Merlin did start to get better. It was a slow process but everyone could see it. He started to talk to Gaius and Gwen again and his wounds healed quite well, even though where he had been shot in the shoulder hadn't healed properly because he hadn't got treatment quick enough. This left his shoulder stiff and sometimes sore. He seemed brighter and some of his and Arthur's mindless banter had returned.<p>

Of course, Merlin was still not entirely back to his old self, as he probably never would be. Arthur sometimes caught him, when he was suppose to be doing some kind of chore, just staring off into space, as if he was in a completely different world.

Once he was sitting on a bench at the side of the field where the knights did their training. He was sharpening a sword, when he had just stopped in the middle of his tasks, and just seemed to stare at the blade. He hadn't noticed as one of the Knights lost hold of his sword during a duel, and it had gone flying towards Merlin. Arthur shouted his name but Merlin didn't look up; if he had he would have been able to dodge it in time. Luckily it had just been the hilt that had hit Merlin's foot, leaving it bruised but in one piece. Arthur had shouted very long at the Knight for it though.

Merlin did seem more comfortable around other people now, and had even begun to teach Thomas about the daily duties as a manservant. The young boy wasn't scared of him anymore, and the two got on famously.

It took Arthur six months to get Merlin out of Camelot though. He had been too nervous to attend any of the hunting trips and missions with Arthur and his Knights. Arthur knew he still had nightmares about what had happened, and often served breakfast with a tired and sad look on his face. He normally didn't perk up until Arthur started training.

However, it got the six month point and Arthur knew the Warlock had to go out of the kingdom at some point. He missed Merlin on the trips, and truth be told the Knights weren't half as interesting as his manservant.

They rode out together on a hunting trip. Arthur could feel Merlin's nervousness, even from where he was riding in front of him. Merlin was silent and jumping at every single sound.

"You're going to freak out your horse." Arthur laughed, as Merlin gave out a squeak as a squirrel ran across a branch above their heads, making a few leaves fell around them. Arthur slowed down so they were walking side by side and smiled at him.

"Don't worry, Merlin, I'll protect you." He said, grinning. Merlin snorted.

"Yeah, right, you can't walk out of your room without something going wrong." He told the Prince, a grin also on his face.

Arthur gave him a gentle shoved, trying not to let his ego get the better of him. If Arthur was truthful with himself, he would admit that it was quite humiliating to hear about how many times Merlin had saved him. Arthur was of course grateful, but to know what he thought was himself being heroic but was instead Merlin saving his arse, took a massive blow to his ego. Arthur was too proud though to admit this, and just made sure he kept a sharper head so he didn't need saving as often as he apparently used to be.

They got to a good hunting area and tethered their horses to at tree, before setting off to find some game. They were silent as they crept along the forest floor, before hiding behind a large log to wait for some prey. Merlin lent against the log, while Arthur peered over it, keeping a sharp eye out.

"I hate hunting." Merlin hissed at him, keeping his voice down, "Why did you drag me out here?"

Arthur chuckled, looking at him. Merlin didn't look angry, just bored.

"Because you have been cooped up in that castle for far too long." Arthur whispered back, "You need some fresh air to get the colour back in your cheeks."

"My cheeks are fine!" Merlin told him, his voice still low. Arthur raised his eyebrows, them both knowing that that wasn't true. Merlin was still extremely pale, as his shoulder gave him trouble daily and he still wasn't eating properly.

"Shut up Merlin, I'm trying to catch our dinner." Arthur sighed. He saw Merlin smile slightly as he turned back to the forest. He was just in time to see a small doe walk in between a few trees, before lowering her neck to graze, just in the right place for Arthur to aim a quick kill.

"She is so pretty though." Merlin sighed, looking at the deer. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Don't get all sentimental on me, Merlin, you do want to eat tonight, don't you?"

Arthur heard Merlin sigh again, but the Prince ignored him as he placed an arrow on his bow, and aimed. The arrow flew from the sting and wood, and before the deer could even look up in fear, she had fallen, the bow killing her instantly.

Merlin huffed as Arthur smiled, standing up and cheering silently for himself.

"You would make a dreadful farmer." Arthur told Merlin, as they walked down to the animal, "You actually need to keep the animals and care for them before you kill them."

"It's a good thing I'm not planning on becoming a farmer then." Merlin told him, bending down to make sure the animal was dead. As always though, Arthur had prefect aim and they both lifted it up so they could take it back to where they were planning on camping for the night.

That evening, as they ate their meal, Arthur couldn't help but stare at Merlin, and the way the light from the fire shone off his skin, highlighting his cheekbones and lips. It looked so magical. He could see the gold threads flick through Merlin's blue orbs again, as the Warlock looked into the fire, looking like he was thinking deeply.

Arthur couldn't deny Merlin's beauty, and he knew that his feelings for his manservant hadn't gone away. Arthur stilled loved him dearly, and he didn't think these feelings were going away anytime soon.

"I better do the washing up then." Merlin said, breaking out of his trance, and turning to Arthur, a small smile on his lips.

"I can do it." Arthur said, going to stand up. He stood up at the same time as Merlin and as they had been sitting close to each other, they collided in midair and they went flying to the floor again, with Arthur landing on top of Merlin.

Arthur expected Merlin to yell in fear, as he normally did when someone touched him unexpectedly or got too close for his liking. However, Merlin just burst out laughing, making Arthur stare at him for a second before joining him in the laughter.

After they had caught their breath, Arthur smiled at Merlin before going to push himself off him. Merlin caught his arm though, keeping him place. Arthur looked down at him, confused, even though he was thoroughly enjoying lying on top of Merlin.

Merlin looked back, his eyes soft but curious.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, looking at his lips for a split second. Merlin was biting his bottom lip gently, as if he was deep in thought again. When Arthur looked back at his eyes, Arthur realised that Merlin was also looking at his lips. Arthur licked them subconsciously and then felt Merlin's hand on his cheek.

Arthur didn't know what was happening, but slowly Merlin leant up, getting closer to Arthur. The Prince didn't know if he should move away but he couldn't resist it anymore. He met Merlin's lips and the world seemed to stop.

Merlin's lips were softer then he thought they would be and they tasted like apples and honey. The kiss itself only lasted a second or so, but to Arthur it seemed to last forever. He certainly wanted it to last forever. Was he dreaming? That's what it felt like; that this was all one very beautiful, incredible and unfair dream.

When Merlin leant back down, breaking the contact, he let out a sigh of content, and looked up at Arthur, who didn't know what to do or say. He didn't even know if he could speak anymore. It felt like Merlin had taken ability to think straight and talk away.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time." Merlin said, his voice just above a whisper.

"Re...really?" Arthur asked, stutter. He normally would have been embarrassed by this but at the moment he didn't care. All he cared about was Merlin who was looking up at him, his face glowing orange by the light of the fire.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said, suddenly looking away, "I shouldn't have-"

"No." Arthur cut him off, placing a hand against his cheek and stroking it gently, "I've wanted the same thing."

Merlin looked back at him, hope in his eyes.

"Really?" He asked. Arthur just smiled and lent back down. Their lips crushed together and this kiss was deeper, more desperate. Merlin's hands found their way to the back of Arthur's neck, pulling him down closer to him. Arthur ran his hands through Merlin's hair, letting the Warlock take the lead in the kiss.

He hadn't had much experience with kissing before. There had been a few girls that had caught his fancy when he was growing up, and he had kissed one or two of them, but nothing further. It wasn't proper to do more until you are married, but Arthur always thought he would be the dominate partner in any relationship, just because of his personality and the fact that he was a male. However, it felt natural to let Merlin led the kiss. The Prince didn't want to do anything that would scare Merlin and he certainly didn't want to pressure him into doing anything, so this way Merlin could stop the kiss and contact whenever he wanted.

They didn't stop kissing though; not until they needed to break for air. Arthur leant his forehead against Merlin's breathing deeply with his eyes closed so that he could just feel Merlin underneath him.

"How long?" Merlin asked, once he had regained his breath.

"Since you went missing." Arthur replied, nuzzling his nose against Merlin's hair, breathing in his scent, "I want crazy looking for you, I couldn't survive without you."

He felt Merlin's arms wrap around his waist, holding him tightly.

"How comes you didn't do anything?" Merlin asked. Arthur leant his head up and looked down at him. Merlin's eyes were going crazy with the gold threads, flying across his orbs like a million shooting stars in the blue sky. Arthur wanted to cry with how beautiful it was.

"With what you want through, and that night in my chambers...I didn't want to hurt you."

Merlin smiled sadly, looking into Arthur's eyes.

"How comes you didn't do anything?" Arthur asked, curiously. He had never realised Merlin's feelings. It seemed unbelievable and incredible.

"You're the Prince of Camelot." Merlin told him, "Even if you were the Princess of Camelot, I doubt I would be able to win your heart."

"You're wrong." Arthur told him, leaning down slightly to nuzzle their noses together, "You won my heart a long time ago."

Merlin smiled at him, and they kissed again, long and slow, and full of love.

That night they slept side by side, with Arthur hugging Merlin from behind. Arthur can't remember ever having such a wonderful sleep before. He wished it would never end, but unfortunately they had to go back to Camelot the next day.

* * *

><p>Back in Camelot they had to hide their feelings for one another. They had to go on acting as if they were just the Prince and his manservant. It was annoying and frustrating, but Arthur and Merlin dealt with it. However, the secret moments that they shared in the Prince's chambers were worth all the longing looks and secrets. Just going to sleep and waking up thinking of Merlin was worth the distant they had to put up with during the day.<p>

Merlin was still hesitant in his touches he shared with Arthur, and Arthur respected that. He realised that Merlin must find it hard after everything he's been through, and was patient with him.

However, that didn't prepare Arthur for the breakdowns that Merlin sometimes had. They were frightening and heart wrenching.

One night, after Thomas had been dismissed for the night, Merlin was still in the Prince's chambers, setting out Arthur's clothes for the next day. He had been quiet all day, and had even missed his meals. He had tried to busy himself with chores and Arthur had seen him hardly at all.

The blonde haired man had come up from behind Merlin, and had kissed his neck, where his scurf had fallen down slightly. Merlin instantly flinched and jumped away.

"It's only me." Arthur smiled, reassuring him. The smile disappeared though as he realised Merlin had started to cry.

"What's wrong?" Arthur asked gently, take a step towards him. Merlin backed away though, his face craved into a look of fear.

"You shouldn't touch me." Merlin said, his voice cracking, "I'm dirty."

Ignoring the feeling of his heart tearing, Arthur shook his head, a sad, gentle look on his face.

"No, you're not Merlin." He tried to reassure him.

"I am! I'm dirty!" Merlin yelled, his whole body shaking. He shook his head, his eyes closed. He backed up away from Arthur until he hit the wall behind him. He jumped as his back collided with the solid wall, tears pouring down his face. Arthur tried walking towards him, but Merlin just raised his hands in front of him, his palms facing Arthur as if to defend himself.

"Don't touch me." Merlin cried, "You shouldn't touch me, I'm dirty."

"You're not!" Arthur tried again, but Merlin just ran out of the room, leaving Arthur confused and with tears in his eyes. He gave Merlin half an hour to think, before slowly making his way down to his bedroom. Gaius wasn't there so Arthur just went straight to the bedroom.

Merlin was crawled up on his side, rocking with silent sobs. His eyes were open and back to their empty, trance like state. Arthur went to him and sat beside him on the bed. A quiet sob escaped Merlin's lips as Arthur sat down and he pushed himself up so he was sitting beside Arthur. The Prince just simply opened his arms and Merlin fell into them, fitting perfectly.

"I'm sorry." Merlin mumbled against Arthur's chest, his hand holding Arthur's red shirt in a tight fist.

"You have done nothing wrong." Arthur replied, leaning his head down so his cheek was against Merlin's hair. He rubbed Merlin's back in slow circles, rocking him backwards and forwards very gently.

Merlin said no more and slowly went to sleep against Arthur, his long day tiring him out.

Many similar incidents to this happened after this. This left Arthur wondering if Merlin really wanted to be with him, or if he was just doing it out of some kind of bizarre sense of duty. If being with him made him this scared and anxious, then why was Merlin doing it?

One night, they had fallen asleep together in Arthur's bed. He doesn't remember how that had happened. All he remembers was that one minute they were chatting and laughing together, and the next he was being awoken by someone screaming. He automatically grabbed his sword which was placed against the wall next to his bed, and he pointed it towards the source of the sound.

The screams got louder as Merlin saw the blade being pointed at him.

"No, please." He begged, as Arthur lowed the sword, realising the screams had come from Merlin, "Leave me alone, please, stop."

Merlin was curled up in a ball, covering his head. It was the exactly the same portion that Arthur had found him in when he had rescued him from the slave merchants.

"Merlin!" Arthur said, dropping his sword, and reaching out.

"No! No! Leave me alone!" Merlin cried, and then suddenly a light erupted around him and Arthur felt his arms and legs being pulled together, as if they were being bound together with thick rope.

"Merlin! It's me!" Arthur yelled, unable to move, "It's me! Stop it!"

The hold got tighter though and Arthur winced in pain.

"It's me! Merlin, Its Arthur!" Arthur told him, trying to struggle. It felt like his bones were going to break with the pressure.

Merlin finally looked up at him, his eyes wide, blue and wet.

"Arthur?" He asked, and then his eyes flashed gold and the invisible bounds were broken. Before Arthur could breathe a sigh of relief, Merlin jumped on top of him, crying into his neck.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"It's ok." Arthur said, wincing as he moved his arms around to hug Merlin. As he did so he realised that there were angry red marks on his wrists.

"I had a nightmare." Merlin cried, "I thought that they were back to get me...I thought..."

"Shhh." Arthur whispered, kissing his hair, "Its fine, you're safe, I've got you."

"Save me." Merlin begged, his face hidden.

"I..." Arthur said, not knowing if Merlin was still dreaming or if he wanted saving from something else. Saving him these nightmares.

"I will." Arthur told him, "I promise, I'll save you."

They stayed silent for a while as Merlin slowly calmed back down. Arthur laid back down, with Merlin resting against his chest. Arthur stroked his raven hair gentle, kissing his forehead now and again.

"Thank you." Merlin whispered just as Arthur thought he had fallen asleep again.

"For what?" Arthur asked quietly, his voice a bare whisper as it was laced with exhaustion.

"You always know how to calm me down." Merlin told him, before leaning up on his elbows and looking at Arthur. Arthur smiled fondly at him, reaching out a hand and stroking a finger down his tear streaked cheek.

"How are your wrists?" Merlin asked, guiltily as he noticed the red burn marks.

"I'll survive." Arthur laughed, "Even though, these are going to be fun to hide."

"Sorry." Merlin mumbled, bowing his head. Arthur touched his finger to under Merlin's chin, lifting up his face so they were looking at each other again.

"Stop saying sorry." Arthur told him seriously. Merlin looked down, fiddling with Arthur's shirt. He looked deep in thought and like he was just about to cry again.

"What is on your mind?" Arthur asked, not wanting to see Merlin cry again.

"I keep hurting you with my magic." Merlin answered, his voice quivering, "I'm starting to think Uther is right."

"About what?" Arthur asked, looking up at him. He reached up to catch a tear that had began to fell from Merlin's eyes.

"That magic corrupts minds and makes every user evil." He answered.

"Why would you say something like that?" Arthur asked.

"Those men...I killed." Merlin told him, his head bowing and his eyes were hidden by his hair.

"You're not evil for killing these men, you were protecting yourself and me." Arthur told him, stocking his hair away from his eyes so Arthur could see Merlin's sapphire orbs.

"Kilgharrah told me that he killed the rest of the men...because if he hadn't, I would have seek revenge and killed them all myself." Merlin told him, "And seeking revenge would have...changed me."

"I don't believe that." Arthur told him, "And even if you had seek revenge, it wouldn't be your magic that would have made you evil, but what they had done to you."

Merlin looked at him, his eyes half closed. Arthur gently pulled him down so their foreheads were touching.

"Your magic is not evil, and neither are you."

"But...But I keep hurting you." Merlin said, closing his eyes as tears fell onto Arthur's cheek.

"You don't mean to." Arthur reassured him, "I nearly stabbed you earlier because I thought you were an intruder, it's just the same."

"You really don't think I'm evil?" Merlin asked.

"No, I do not." Arthur told him, pulling him down on top of him, so Merlin's head was resting on his chest, "I do not think you could have become evil, it's just not in you."

"But what if I did turn evil?" Merlin asked and Arthur could see that this was a real worry for him. Nearly all the sorcerers that Arthur had come across had been evil in some way, and Morgana had turned evil. Maybe Merlin was just looking at these people and seeing himself in them.

"I shall shake you of it." Arthur told him, "Because there is no way you can turn completely evil, you will always have good in you."

"Do you think Morgana still has good in her?" Merlin asked and Arthur's hand tightened around his shoulder slightly. It hurt him to think of Morgana's betrayal last year, but he couldn't stop thinking of her as his sister. They had been raised together for nearly their whole life and seeing what she had done to Camelot and his father was painful.

"I like to hope so." Arthur replied, "I...I want to forgive her one day."

Merlin grew quiet after that and after a while Arthur heard his breathing even out. Arthur kissed his hair and then fell asleep himself.

**Sorry this took forever to update. I'm away in America at the moment and the internet connection has been rubbish, but now we have moved to a different place and it is a lot better so YAY! **

**I hope you like this chapter, and the characters aren't too much out of character. I like to think they're not but I' not sure. I'll update the next chapter as soon as possible. I don't know if I've already said this but the sequel I was thinking about doing is just going to be an extension of this story and will kind of start in the next chapter. **

**Please review. **

**Nuk **


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur and Merlin didn't take their relationship to the next physical stage until over a year later, the night Arthur was crowned King of Camelot.

Arthur hadn't pressured Merlin into anything and had allowed the Warlock to heal as much as his mind had allowed him to. Most people didn't have sex until they were married anyway, so it didn't feel weird for Arthur to be with someone without having completed their physical relationship. They shared kisses and they often slept with each other in Arthur's chambers.

When Uther got ill, mostly from a mind illness from receiving such a betrayal from Morgana, Merlin stopped being Arthur's manservant and became his advisor instead. He was a great help to the courts and most people accepted the change, especially the Knights who all respected and trusted Merlin.

Uther died in his sleep, with Arthur by his side and with Merlin waiting faithfully outside. Arthur shed no tears, but Merlin was there nevertheless as the shoulder he needed to rest on.

Merlin watched proudly from the front row of people as Arthur was crowned King and ruler of Camelot, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. He knew that Arthur was going to be great King and that one day peace will flow through Camelot because of his leadership and compassion.

That night, after the feast and celebrations, Arthur and Merlin went into Arthur's chambers. Instead of Thomas being there to undress the new King, Merlin decided that he would do it. He slowly undressed Arthur, folding everything up neatly and placing it on the table. He looked at Arthur through his eyelashes as the King got more and more bare.

Merlin had seen Arthur naked lots of time, since he had been the man's manservant. When they had started 'courting' or whatever it was they were doing; Merlin was never sure what to call it, Arthur had been naked less and less in front of Merlin. The Warlock was sure it was because of the change in their relationship; it had made it more embarrassing and personally.

When Arthur was completely naked, Merlin stood in front of him, his hands on Arthur's firm chest. Merlin looked up at him, seeing a very slight blush across his cheek bones. Merlin lent forward and kissed the corner of his mouth, smiling shyly. He then licked his lips and started to slowly take off his long jacket that he had worn to the feast over his shirt and trousers. Since he had become advisor to Arthur, the clothes he wore were slightly more formal and better quality. He still lived with Gaius in the chambers downstairs, but he was better off.

"Are you sure about this?" Arthur asked as Merlin took off his shirt.

"I've never been more sure of anything...Your Majesty." Merlin smiled.

"Don't call me that when we're alone." Arthur said, stepping forward so their chests were touching, and kissing Merlin slowly. Merlin smiled into the kiss, putting all his energy into concentrating on Arthur and their bodies finally becoming one together.

It was Merlin who was on top that first night. Arthur allowed him to have the control. He knew he needed it, and Merlin was thankful for the Gods for giving him someone so understanding and perfect as Arthur Pendragon.

That first night it was slow and loving, and they held each other close as they moaned each other's names, their whole bodies drenched in ecstasy. The moonlight shone off their sweat glazed skin, creating Merlin's pale skin to glow and for every single part of Arthur to be defined in the soft light.

After they had made love, they laid together on the bed. Merlin laid on his stomach, his arms crossed and his head resting on them, as Arthur leant on one elbow, absentmindedly stroking along the pink scars that lined Merlin's back.

"Was that ok?" Arthur asked, almost nervously. It was funny really. He had just been made King and he had a whole Kingdom to worry about, yet the thing that must concerned him at this moment in time was whither what they had just done had been good for Merlin.

"That was incredible." Merlin smiled up at him, his eyes flecking gold. An orb of soft white light appeared between them and floated around their bodies, so they could see each other clearly. All worries that Arthur had previously had vanished as he looked down at Merlin, with his gentle blue eyes and their shooting gold stars.

"I love you Merlin." Arthur said, and Merlin's smile grew larger. It had been the first time that Arthur had said these words, even though they had been implied many times before. These three simple words had never been uttered before between them.

"I love you too." Merlin replied, rolling over so the scars were hidden. Instead Arthur could see the other scars that decorated Merlin's torso. The large round scar on his shoulder, a smaller round scar in the centre of his chest and the long line that went across his side. There were also other little scars here and there. Arthur tore his eyes away from them and looked into Merlin's eyes. He was smiling and his eyes shone under the orb that was still floating around them. Arthur leant down and kissed him deeply, trying to transfer all the love he felt through the touch. It was impossible though as the love he felt for Merlin was greater than any other emotion he had ever processed before.

"I always want you by my side." Arthur told him as they broke apart. Merlin reached up, stroking Arthur cheek with a long, slender finger.

"Always." Merlin whispered.

* * *

><p>As promised, Arthur made magic legal again, although black magic was still outlawed, under threat of death. For the first time in 30 years, Camelot had a Court Sorcerer and a wide spread apology was given to all those whose lives had been affected by the Great Purge by King Uther.<p>

Even though Arthur admitted Uther's mistakes, he still refused to hear a bad word said against his father. Arthur still loved his father, no matter the mistakes the man had made.

Within five years, talk of a school for children of magic ability had spread and Arthur, along with Merlin and Gaius, was working hard with the Druids to set one up. Anyone with magic will be able to take shelter within the school walls, and feel safe there.

As Court Sorcerer, Merlin was given his own quarters in the castle. The chambers were right night to Arthur's, and they were conjoined by an invisible door that Merlin had conjoined up, that only him and Arthur can see and use. Needless to say, they never spent an evening away from each other and always ended up curled up beside each other in Arthur's bed. Merlin's room was used more as a study and laboratory than anything else. Now that he had freedom to use magic as he wished, Merlin was able to develop his magical abilities beyond anything he had imagined. When he did not have duties to attend to or Arthur to harass, he sat in his room and studied.

"You have made this Kingdom such a great place, Merlin." Gaius told him one morning as they walked through the forest collecting herbs for Gaius's medicines. Even though Merlin was of a high status now, he still liked helping out his mentor.

"It wasn't me who made Camelot a great place, it was Arthur." Merlin said, bending down to pick some rosemary. When he straightened he saw Gaius's eyebrow raised.

"There is no need to be so modest, Merlin." He told his ward, "The ones close to you and Arthur know of the way you softened the King's heart."

Merlin felt himself blush but said nothing. He spotted the knowing smile on Gaius's face though and couldn't help but smile back and they laughed the way they use to.

* * *

><p>"I've got a surprise for you." Arthur smiled, coming into Merlin's room. In the five years since he had become King, Arthur had changed very little. His hair was a little longer now and he had began to grow a beard, something Merlin gave him endless teasing for. Merlin had also grown his hair slightly, but part from that they still looked like the young Prince and manservant they were just a few short years earlier.<p>

Merlin had been experimenting with some healing potions, and his hair was sticking up at weird angles from the smoke coming from the flasks on his worktable.

"What is it?" Merlin asked, waving his hand and his eyes flashing gold. The smoke that had been fogging up the room disappeared and Merlin ran a hand through his hair to flatten it.

"Come with me." Arthur laughed as Merlin's effects failed and his hair still stood on end. Merlin stood up, giving up on his hair, and followed Arthur out of the chambers. He didn't ask where they were going and why until they got to the throne room.

Normally there was only one throne at the end of the room on the platform, but now there was one beside it. It was slightly smaller, but it still had red velvet cover and looked identical to the other. Merlin looked at it, slightly confused and curious. He didn't notice Arthur smile at him while a sick feeling grew in his stomach.

Was this Arthur's way of telling him that he had found a Queen? The council was giving him more and more pressure to find someone to marry and to have some heirs. So far Arthur had reassured Merlin that he wasn't going to get married, but Merlin wasn't stupid. It was essential that Arthur has an heir to carry on the Pendragon name and to ensure the future of Camelot. Arthur will eventually have to marry.

However, Merlin hadn't expected it this soon, and if this was Arthur's way of telling Merlin, then it was a very cruel way. Merlin could feel a lump form in his throat as Arthur asked,

"So, what do you think?"

"I...I don't know what to say." Merlin replied, fighting back the tears and swallowing the lump.

"It's great, isn't it?" Arthur smiled, clapping him on the back and then walking towards the throne, "Of course my one is bigger, because as King I think I should have the biggest one."

Arthur laughed, turning to Merlin to wait for him to tease him about his massive ego. It was then he noticed Merlin's pale face and wet eyes.

"What's wrong?" Arthur asked, coming back over to him and placing both his hands on Merlin's shoulders.

"I guess I should say congratulations." Merlin told him, looking down, even though he really wanted to look Arthur in the eye and smile, and be happy with him.

"Whatever for?" Arthur asked, confused.

"Isn't this throne for your Queen?" Merlin asked. Arthur didn't say anything for a second, before bursting out laughing.

"You can call yourself that if you want, but I think maybe it's only appropriate for the bedroom." He smiled. Merlin looked up, looking confused.

"What?" He asked. Arthur placed both his hands on Merlin's face and smiled at him.

"This throne is for you." He told Merlin and chuckled as he received another confused look.

"I've been researching this for ages." Arthur began to explain, "But I want to promote you to Court Archmage."

"Archmage?" Merlin asked.

"It means that you will be one rank below me." Arthur told him, lowering his hands and taking one of Merlin's and beginning to lead him over to the thrones, "There hasn't been one in centuries, the last one was the brother of the King who was very good at magic, but I think it is time we reawaken this tradition."

"What?" Merlin asked, his eyes wide.

"I want to rule with you." Arthur told him, sitting Merlin down in the slightly smaller chair, "And I know we cannot get married, so this was the closest thing I could think of."

Merlin's mouth was slightly open as he looked up at Arthur.

"If you agree, there will be a ceremony tomorrow where you will be crowned Archmage of Camelot." The King told him.

"Crowned? I get a crown?" Merlin asked, his hands shaking from the shock of it all. Arthur laughed again and bent down to give Merlin a quick kiss.

"Is that a yes?" Arthur asked. Merlin looked at him and then around the room. He licked his lips, thinking of the responsibilities that will be placed upon him.

_This is your destiny_, a voice echoed in his head and he recognised it as Kilgharrah.

_Get out of my head_, Merlin thought back but smiled up at Arthur.

"Of course I will." He said, "If it means I get to rule beside you then I am more than happy to take on such a huge responsibility."

Arthur beamed down at him and Merlin stood up to hug him tightly.

"Do I get to call you my Queen then?" Arthur asked and Merlin smacked him around the head.

"Of course you don't, you prat."

Arthur rubbed the side of his head and laughed.

"Is that what I get after doing such a big gesture?" He asked. Merlin just smiled at him.

* * *

><p>The next day Merlin nervously got himself dressed in his ceremonial robes, which were a deep blue and long, and reminded him a lot of the robes that Gaius wears. Merlin did have a manservant but he didn't really ask for the young boy's services, unless there was something he needed doing and didn't have time to do it himself. Being a commoner all his life had left Merlin very independent and self efficient. He felt awkward just having a manservant, but it was the proper thing to do and it gave a young boy a job, so Merlin just went along with it.<p>

There was a knock on the door and Merlin took a deep breath and said,

"Enter."

His voice was a lot more shaking then he realised and he swallowed to try and rid himself of the nerves.

The door opened and Gwen came in. As she was a close friend to both the King, and now the Archmage, of Camelot her status had gone up considerable. She had become more of the over-seer of the castle and all servants answered to her even though she no longer serves herself. This meant her clothes were of a higher quality and she presented herself with more confidence and authority. Today she was wearing a beautiful purple dress and her hair hanged loose and flowed down her back.

Gwen was followed into the room by Hunith.

"Mother!" Merlin said, pleasantly surprised. He rushed over to her, wrapping his long arms around her.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, leaning back to look at her but with his hands still on her upper arms.

"Do you really think I was going to miss my son getting crowned?" Hunith half scolded with a smile on her face and wiping the corner of her eyes which had turned moist with tears.

Hunith was wearing a long green dress which Merlin had sent to her a couple of months ago. It was a dress that was worthy of a Noble Lady and it suited the strong willed Hunith perfectly. Merlin had been sending his mother things ever since he had the money to do so and there were already plans to develop and grow the small village of Ealdor into a town, which of course would benefit everyone living there.

Hunith placed both of her hands on either side of Merlin's face and looked at him with a look of adoration.

"I'm so proud of you." She told him. He smiled at her, and nodded, no more words needing to be spoken.

"It's time, Merlin." Gwen spoke for the first time, breaking the moment. Merlin took a deep breath and nodded. Hunith patted his cheek and he lent forward to kiss her cheek, and then straightened his shoulders and led the way out of the room.

The walk to the throne room was silent and as Merlin got closer he grew more nervous and tense. He felt sick and doubts began to form in his mind.

_What if he couldn't do this?_

_What if the nightmares that still troubled his dreams affects the way he rules?_

_What if people don't trust him?_

_What if magic does make him evil and he becomes a tyrant?_

_What if he can't protect Arthur?_

Merlin's hands began to shake as the guards outside the throne room opened the big double doors and trumpets began to play, and people moved aside to make way for him.

Arthur was standing at the end of the hall and he was looking at Merlin with such proud eyes. As soon as Merlin looked at him all worries and doubts disappeared and a wave of relief washed over him. He slowly walked up the aisle, towards Arthur and realisation suddenly hit him.

One reason for why Arthur was doing this was because this was the closest thing to a wedding ceremony that they could ever get. This was the closest they would get to be united as one.

The thought was so bittersweet that Merlin nearly started to cry right then and there in front of all those people. Instead, Merlin held in the tears and smiled at Arthur as he reached him. Arthur smiled back, his blue eyes sparkling with happiness. He said no words to Merlin but turned to the crowd.

"We are gathered here today to reawaken an ancient tradition and to reunite magic to Camelot."

Merlin turned around as well to look at the people gathered. Hunith and Gwen were at the front with Gaius who smiled proudly at his ward. The Knights were on the other side at the front and Lancelot and Gwaine were also smiling at Merlin, happy for their friend.

Geoffery stepped forward and Merlin bowed his head to him slightly. The older man held out an old Bible and Merlin gently placed his right hand on its leather cover.

"Do you, Merlin; Son of Balinor, promise to rule alongside King Arthur Pendragon of Camelot with a fair and just hand?" Geoffery asked.

"I do." Merlin replied.

"Do you promise to advise the king with the best of your knowledge and ability?"

"I do." Merlin said and he saw Arthur smile at him through the corner of his eye.

"Do you promise to put the people of Camelot first, before anything else?"

"I do." Merlin said without hesitation. Geoffery stood beside and Arthur stepped forward.

"Kneel Merlin." He said and Merlin obeyed, bowing his head as he felt the soft weight of the King's Ceremonial sword on his shoulder.

"As King of Camelot, I dub thee Merlin, Archmage of Camelot." Arthur said, loud and clear. Geoffery took a cushion off a young servant boy and stood next to Arthur. On the cushion was a gold crown with blue stones encrusted around the band. It was smaller than Arthurs and not as old but it was a crown all the same. Merlin's breath hitched as Arthur placed it on his head. He had never dreamt that one day he would be wearing a crown. He had always thought that he would be a servant.

"Now raise, Archmage Merlin."

Merlin stood, his legs slightly shaky. Arthur looked at him as he stood and then stepped forward to wrap his arms around the now Archmage in a proud hug.

The room erupted into loud cheers and Arthur let go, laughing heartily.

"Let's start the celebrations!" He announced to the room, one arm still tightly around Merlin's shoulders.

* * *

><p>"Well, I think that went...splendid." Arthur slurred, later that night as Merlin helped him into his chambers.<p>

"How comes it was a celebration for me, yet you're the one that got drunk?" Merlin asked, laughing as he put Arthur down on the bed.

"Because I'm so happy!" Arthur announced, pulling Merlin down to kiss him. Merlin wrinkled his nose at the smell of wine and mead that lingered on Arthur's breath, but kissed him anyway. The young King had managed to not to make a fool of himself in front on his entire court and servants as he had drunk plenty. The Knights were known for being merry, but not the King, so him dancing around with his Knights and his new Archmage and being joyful had been an unusual but pleasant sight.

Merlin shook his head and laughed quietly as he pulled Arthur's shoes off. He got a sense of deja vu as he placed them down next to the bed and looked at Arthur, who was smiling up at him with a very cheeky smile. The smile that made Merlin fall in life with him.

"Come lie with me, Archmeage of Camelot." Arthur grinned. Merlin sat on the bed next to him, and pushed him down so the King was lying.

"I think you need to go to sleep." Merlin told him, with gentle eyes. He had always enjoyed looking after Arthur. He felt protective over him, no matter how much of a prat Arthur could be.

Arthur shook his head, before grabbing hold of Merlin's wrist and pulling him towards him. Before Merlin could even blink he was thrown over Arthur to the opposite side of the bed and was pinned against between the bed and Arthur.

Merlin had to work hard to catch his breath. He wasn't used to this roughness. Arthur was always so gentle with him. He was almost scared sometimes because he didn't want to hurt Merlin.

"Come on." Merlin laughed nervously, not liking the smell of alcohol on Arthur's breath. He turned his head to try and get rid of the stench. Arthur took this as an invitation though and started kissing Merlin's neck, moaning slightly.

"I want you right now." Merlin heard him moan and these words, combined with the horrible smell and the tight grip on his wrists triggered a memory which he wished would stay buried.

He was in the dark room again, stripped naked by large, dirty hands which were gripping his wrists tightly together above his head. He turned his face away as the brute kissed his neck roughly, his hard stubble scratching his skin raw.

"You're going to be so good." The brute growled, biting skin and Merlin felt blood tinkling down his neck. He felt his magic trying to fight through but his body was too weak and consumed by pain to let it show. Tears formed in his eyes as unwanted hands touched him and he cursed himself for being so weak. He felt heavy breath in his ear and he shivered.

"I want you right now."

"NO!" Merlin shouted, coming back to the present day, and he felt his magic fight its way through his weaknesses and the heavy weight on top of him disappeared. Part of his mind still registered that it was Arthur though so the King was only thrown off of him and onto the side next to him. Merlin stood up, not even stopping to look at Arthur as he ran from the room and into his own room. He sealed the doors shut with magic and then went to his bed, his whole body shaking.

He felt sick and his head was spinning. He sometimes got flashbacks of what happened to him all those years ago but they had got further and further apart. They only seemed to be in dream form at the moment, disturbing his nights but not his waking moments. He shivered as he remembered the way he used to be the first few years after... after what happened; he never really knew what to call it.

He used to get random flashbacks at sudden times that left him screaming and crying, curling into a ball to protect himself from a force that had long gone. It had been hard to explain this outbursts to the people around him but Arthur had been there for him the whole way. Merlin was sure that if Arthur had not been by his side then he would not have survived.

A sob escaped his lips as he curled onto the side of his unused bed and cried. His blue eyes flashed a watery gold as he conjured up an orb that let off a soft glow to light the room. He didn't want to sleep in the dark. It just gave him more nightmares.

All Merlin could think about was Arthur's tight grip on his wrist and his hushed words in his ear. Merlin knew that he meant no harm by it and he felt like he was being silly. He knew that normal couples acted like that and Arthur was King; it was naturally that he wanted to be dominant sometimes. Arthur was so understanding and always let Merlin lead when they were in the bedroom. It was completely different outside those doors but Merlin knew that it still left a dent on Arthur's huge ego. It was understandable that Arthur wanted to be on top sometimes. To make himself feel like a man.

The orb gave Merlin the comfort that Arthur's arms normally did and he slowly got to sleep, crying softly.

* * *

><p>The next day Merlin rose early and went with Gaius to the lower towns to help the citizens with medical treatment. He always did this once a week. One reason for this was to remind him of who he use to be. Merlin thought it was very important that he kept hold of his past and to remember how he had become so lucky in his current position. Another reason was to saw the citizens of Camelot that he cares about them and that he was approachable. He didn't want people to think that he sucked up to Arthur just to become Archmage and to get money. One way of doing this is to be seen walking around the towns and helping people of lower statuses.<p>

"You seem distracted, Merlin." Gaius said as they walked back to the castle after a long hour of treating one man with terrible burns on his hands.

"Just a long night." Merlin smiled politely, holding the medicine bag tightly to his chest like he use to when he first came to Camelot and he was nervous. Gaius chuckled slightly as he leaned heavily on his walking stick that he had to carry around now. That was another reason; Merlin liked to help his mentor out. Gaius was getting old now and it showed as he limped along from painful joints.

"Our King did get a little bit of a handful last night." He whispered, amused. Merlin just raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"Yes, he did." Merlin mumbled.

"Are the dreams still troubling you?" Gaius asked. Merlin pressed his lips together tightly, not sure of how to answer.

"Sometimes."

Gaius just nodded understandable and the rest of the journey up to the castle was silent.

That day Merlin and Arthur didn't really talk. It wasn't purposely. Merlin didn't avoid Arthur, as he couldn't as they now ruled the kingdom together. Thomas, who was now Arthur's fulltime manservant, was surprised when he met Merlin on the way back from his round with Gaius and he said that he wasn't joining Arthur for breakfast. They normally ate breakfast together every morning, and Thomas served them without asking now. Merlin went down to the kitchens himself to grab himself some fruit before starting his new duties as Archmage. In the mornings he was to look through reports of magic activity, which mostly consisted of dark magic, and report back to Arthur and the rest of the court after morning Knight training and lunch.

After lunch was the first time that Arthur and Merlin saw each other that day, even though Merlin found himself watching the other man from the window of his bedroom while Arthur sparred with Lancelot. There was something hypnotic about the way Arthur moved while handling a sword. Merlin had always found his eyes drawn to him.

In the large court room where the court meet up Merlin and Arthur's eyes locked for a second as Arthur walked in. Merlin was already there, sitting in the right hand chair at the head of the table, papers spread out in front of him. He heard Arthur come in, on his own, and their eyes met over the table. Arthur looked sad and regretful and Merlin thought he was going to say something but then Gwaine and Leon came into the room, speaking merrily about the training that morning. Merlin pulled his eyes away from Arthur's and looked back down at the paper in front of him, any thought of conversation forgotten.

Merlin decided that he didn't want to face Arthur that day. He felt ashamed. He shouldn't be rejecting the King. He should be following every order and request that Arthur asks of him, not throwing him across rooms. Merlin had always felt guilty about the state of his body. About how unclean and dirty he is, but Arthur has never seemed to mind. He has never said a word about it and is always so gentle. It almost makes it worst in a way.

That night, after a quiet meal with his Mother, who was setting off back to Ealdor in the morning, Merlin retired to his own room. He is not sure if Arthur wanted to see him or not. The King hadn't requested his presences all day and the only time they saw each other was at the court meeting. Merlin curled into a ball in his bed, playing absentmindedly with a loose bit of thread on the pillow next to him. His back was facing the door and he sighed as he felt the loneliness overtaking him.

He normally slept every night in Arthur's room. It has become an unspoken agreement as the years have gone past. Merlin find it hard to sleep without Arthur's strong arms draped over his waist and his golden eyelashes tickling his forehead as their faces lay closely together. It took a long time for Merlin to be comfortable around Arthur, despite his love for the man. It was slow and painful but Merlin found himself trusting Arthur and not flinching away at every touch. That meant that it just hurt even more when flashbacks and nightmares disrupt the time they share together.

Arthur has done so much for him, and Merlin just felt like he is throwing it back in his face. As King, there is a massive amount of pressure to find a Queen, preferable by marrying a Lady or Princess from a neighbouring Kingdom to form an alliance, and then have many children to ensure the throne. Arthur has this pressure just as any other King. Many suitable hands have been offered to him, many that would greatly benefit Camelot, but Arthur has refused everyone, instead finding other ways to bond with other Kingdoms. He says that he cannot marry when he is already in love. Of course, the only person he can say this to is Merlin as he thinks no one knows of their relationship. Merlin isn't so much of a fool and is better at reading people. He knows that Thomas, Arthur's very trusted manservant, suspects as he is always serving them together, and Merlin also knows that Arthur's must trusted Knights and friends know, or by the very least suspect, that the relationship between their King and him is not as innocent as it looks from everyone else's point of view. Leon, Gwaine, Lancelot, Elyan and Percival are Merlin and Arthur's closest friends and know them well. It wouldn't have been hard for them to figure out their relationship.

As Merlin laid there on his bed, he heard a faint knock on his door. It is an unsure, nervous knock and Merlin knows it could have only come from one person. His eyes flick gold and the door unlocks, allowing the person inside. Merlin stayed facing away, staring at the thread in between his thumb and middle finger. The person walked in slowly and then walked around the bed, not saying a word. The bed dipped slightly and then Arthur was lying beside Merlin, facing him with sad eyes.

Arthur doesn't say a word for a moment but reached up to wipe away a tear that Merlin hadn't realised had fallen. He gently caressed Merlin's cheek, his brow knotted together in slight confusion.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, his breathe tickling Merlin's cheek.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said instead of answering the question. This just caused Arthur's frown to deepen as his confusion deepened.

"Whatever for? I should be saying sorry." He told Merlin, "I acted too rough last night, I shouldn't have let the drink effect me like that."

Merlin shook his head, more tears falling.

"No, you shouldn't have to be so gentle with me." He told Arthur, "You're the King, you should be allowed to do whatever you want with me."

Arthur hesitantly put his arm around Merlin's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, but for some reason Merlin found himself annoyed with these slow, cautious movements, and reached up and grabbed Arthur's hand, forcing it down to between his legs so Arthur was touching his groin. Even though the sudden contact there made him break out in uncontrollable shakes, Merlin looked at the shocked Arthur with a determined look.

"Merlin-" Arthur started, but a frustrated Merlin cut him off,

"You should be able to touch me when you want."

"No." Arthur said, hurt in his voice. He tried to pull his arm away but Merlin was stronger then he looked and he held on tight to Arthur's hand, starting a rubbing motion. He was shaking badly at this point, and the tears were getting worse, but he wanted to do this. To prove that he isn't worthless.

"Stop!" Arthur yelled, dragging his hand away as a sob escapes Merlin's mouth, "I don't want this."

"Then what do you want? Because I can't be what you need." Merlin told him, tears blinding him.

"Of course you can, Merlin." Arthur tried to comfort him, not hesitating to put an arm around his shoulders this time and bringing him close to his body. Merlin buried his head into Arthur's chest, with his hands in tight fists curled up in front of him as he hid himself against Arthur's strong body.

"Sometimes I wish..." Merlin started but the tears made it hard for him to continue.

"What?" Arthur asked, rubbing Merlin's back in smooth circles, "What do you wish?"

"I wish I was a woman." Merlin answered.

"Why do you wish that?" Arthur asked, but he knew the answer. It would make their relationship so much easier. They wouldn't have to hide as much, and they would be free to marry, and children would not be an issue. Arthur knew from Merlin's reaction at the two thrones a couple of days ago that one of his worst fears was the day that Arthur will be forced to marry.

"I've researched it." Merlin mumbled, his face still hidden from Arthur's views.

"What?" Arthur asked, leaning his head down so he was resting his cheek on Merlin's soft hair.

"How to disguise myself as a woman." Merlin told him, "I thought that I could just pretend to die and then you could meet the female version of me and then we could-"

"Stop!" Arthur said, his grip tightening on Merlin's shoulder, "I don't want you any other way then you are now and I'm not going to pretend that you have died."

"But then everything will be fine." Merlin told him, a sob escaping his mouth.

"No it won't!" Arthur told him, his voice firm. Even the thought of Merlin dying sent tears to his eyes, even if it wasn't going to be real.

Merlin grew silent, even though his body still rocked with sobs. He slowly peeled himself away from Arthur and laid facing the ceiling of his four-poster bed, his blue eyes shining. Arthur watched him, his own eyes shining even though his tears were unshed. They lingered at the base of his eyelashes as he tried to stay calm for Merlin.

"When I was doing my research, I found something else." Merlin whispered, a hand slowly running over his stomach and coming to a rest. Arthur didn't really notice though as he looked at Merlin's pale face. His eyes seemed to be mostly gold at the moment as thin threads flickered across his eyes, a sign that he was deep in a thought that caused him to conjure up a lot of emotions.

"What is it?" Arthur asked, stroking a line down Merlin's face where his tears had left a trail of moisture.

Merlin slid his shirt up and then took hold of Arthur's hand and placed it on his scarred stomach. Arthur could feel his hip bones sticking out in an almost scary way. Merlin had the chance to eat as much as he liked now but he still seemed to be a stick, with his bones showing. Arthur could never decide if it was because Merlin didn't eat enough or he just had hollow bones.

As Arthur was pondering Merlin's skinniness, he noticed that the Warlock was staring at him with hopeful eyes, waiting for Arthur to realise what he was saying. He slowly moved Arthur's hand so it was he was gently rubbing his stomach.

"Oh." Arthur finally said, his eyes widening as he realised what Merlin was saying. Merlin broke out in a smile.

"I can change my insides so I can have a baby." He told Arthur, "My outsides will be the same, but I will have the insides of a woman."

"Really?" Arthur said, still looking at Merlin's stomach. It seemed unbelievable to him. He could have a child with Merlin.

"Yes." Merlin smiled through his tears.

For a moment they both lost their selves in the idea that they could have a baby together. It was such a wonderful thought. Such an amazing, hopeful thought.

And that was why it didn't last long. Reality come crashing down around Arthur before it did Merlin though, as he moved his hand away and pulled Merlin's shirt back down.

"It won't work Merlin." Arthur told him. Merlin's eyes frowned in confusion.

"Even if you went through this and you bear my child, no one would be able to know about them." Arthur told him, trying to be gentle with his words.

"Why not?" Merlin asked, shaking his head as if he didn't want to hear what Arthur had to say. The King placed both his hands on Merlin's cheeks, stopping the shaking and forcing him to look at him.

"I want more than anything for us to be able to have a normal relationship and have a child, but society will not allow it."

Arthur placed his forehead against Merlin's, wiping his tears away with his thumb.

"It's not fair." Merlin mumbled, shutting his eyes and leaning into Arthur's caressing hand.

"I know." Arthur whispered, "But I don't want a child that I have to keep a secret."

Merlin nodded, understanding, even though he didn't like the decision that had to be made. He wrapped his arms around Arthur's back, and brought him close to him.

"I'm going to find a way." Merlin told him. His voice was determined and Arthur almost believed him for a moment. But then he shook the hope out of his mind and sighed. He didn't say anything as he buried his face in Merlin's neck and inhaled his scent. Arthur knew it was impossible but he was going to allow Merlin to hope for a little bit longer. Arthur didn't think that Merlin could stand anymore hurt.

**Chapter 5 done :D**

**Hope you like it. Please review. Next chapter will be up soon. **


	6. Chapter 6

Merlin never lost hope that they wouldn't be able to live like a normal couple. He researched every possible way in which they could do it and often laid awake at night thinking of many different plans in which it could happen. Arthur lying next to him, asleep and peaceful, acted as his inspiration.

It wasn't for another 6 months before Merlin finally got his answer.

He was visiting a neighbouring kingdom with Lancelot and Percival. The King of this small but proud kingdom had agreed with Uther's ruling of no magic, and had turned against Arthur when he had changed it. It had token nearly 5 years but the King had finally allowed an audience with Merlin, whose job was to show him how magic can be used to benefit the land, the citizens and the kingdom.

One night, after a meal with the King and his daughter, Katherine, Merlin was heading back to his chambers. It was actually pleased with how it was going, and the King wasn't as closed off to magic as he first expected him to be. The King was actually listening to what Merlin had to say and even asked him to show him some magic.

Merlin said goodnight to Lancelot and Percival at their chambers, and then walked along a long corridor to his own room. As he turned a corner, he heard hashed voices and for some reason his mind told him to stop so he did. He leant against the wall and looked around the corner to see Princess Katherine and a servant that Merlin recognised from the meal. She must have been Katherine's lady in waiting. They were holding hands and Katherine brought her servant's hands up to kiss her knuckles tenderly. Merlin's eyebrows rose at this as he looked at the scene before him in shock.

"Goodnight, my love." Katherine said with a smile on her face. The servant, being slightly shorter than the Princess, leant up and kissed her lips softly.

It was then Merlin, being the clumsy Warlock he was, accidently bumped into a vase and it went smashing to the floor. Katherine and the servant looked over to him surprised. Their hands flew away from each other's as they saw Merlin standing there.

"Sorry." Merlin said, waving a hand over the mess. His eyes flashed gold and the vase was fixed. He placed it back on the table of which it fell off of, and then faced the two women. The servant's face was bright red and she looked at the floor, but Katherine looked lived.

"Were you spying on us?" She demanded. Merlin took a step forward, rubbing the back of his head, embarrassed and ashamed that he had just disrupted such a personal moment. However, his mind was running through a million ideas at once and everything seemed to be clicking together. He couldn't help but smile.

"And then you dare laugh at us!" Katherine said in a hashed voice.

"No, no!" Merlin tried to reassure her, "It's just, I think I might be able to help you out, that is, if you could help me out first."

"With what?" Katherine asked, folding her arms. Merlin looked around the empty corridor.

"Can we go into your chambers?" Merlin asked. Katherine followed Merlin's glance and then nodded, taking her servant's hand and leading them both into the room.

"What is your name?" Merlin asked the young woman as the door was shut and Katherine folded her arms again to glare at Merlin.

"Eleanor, Sire." The servant answered nervously. She still didn't look up. She had long red hair that had the sides pulled up in a loose ponytail at the back of her head. She was quite small, and her skin was pale like the snow.

"Call me Merlin, Eleanor." He told her, earning a smile from her. Katherine still glared at him. Katherine held herself with the confidence that only came with being a Royal. She had black hair that reminded Merlin a lot like Morgana's. It was straight though, not wavy. She had piercing blue eyes and very high cheek bones. Her skin was also pale, but not as pale as Eleanor's. She could have been Merlin's sister, which made this plan even more perfect.

"I know how to use a sword, Warlock, I can easily slit your throat if you dare tell anyone about what you saw." She threatened him. Merlin held his hands up in defence, seeing how threatened the Princess was. She had been kind and charming at dinner, chatting freely with Merlin. This change showed how protective she was over her and Eleanor's relationship. Merlin knew Arthur would just be the same.

"I won't tell anyone, I know what it is like to have to keep a relationship a secret." Merlin told her. Katherine lifted her chin up, being as proud as her father, if not more so. Eleanor looked at Merlin as well, but her features were softer then Katherine's. She looked more curious than anything else.

"What do you mean?" Katherine asked.

"I am in a similar relationship to yours two's." Merlin told her, keeping eye contact with her. He wondered silently what Arthur would think about him telling these two women's this.

"With a man?" Eleanor asked, quietly.

"With a man." Merlin confirmed.

"With whom?" Katherine asked, her eyes still defensive, "He must be important for you to need our help."

"It's King Arthur, isn't it?" Eleanor asked. Katherine looked at her, a look of realisation coming over her. Merlin looked at her as well, slightly shocked by the quick and correct answer.

"How did you know?" He asked.

"Everyone talks about you two." Eleanor said, her voice still quiet, "How you two are as close as brothers, despite you being his manservant at first, everyone says that there never has been two men who weren't related forming such a bond as your two's."

"I..." Merlin said, surprised. He hadn't realised that people spoke of him and Arthur.

"Is it the King?" Katherine asked. Merlin nodded, licking his lips nervously. He suddenly felt the desire for Arthur to be by his side. He wasn't sure how Arthur was going to react to what he was about to purpose to the two women in front of him.

"So what is it you want of us?" Katherine asked, "What could we do to help you and the great King of Camelot?"

"Be his Queen." Merlin said.

The room was silent for a moment while they all took this in. Merlin bit his lip. It hurt to say these words but it was the only way. Katherine's eyes widened and tears started forming in Eleanor's eyes.

"What?" Katherine asked, fury in her voice.

""Hear me out." Merlin said, "I know what pressure you must be under to marry so you can form an alliance with another kingdom."

"It has been brought up, yes." Katherine answered.

"If you were to marry Arthur, you wouldn't have to be in any kind of physically contact with him." Merlin told her, "It would just be in name, you would form an alliance with Camelot, something that would greatly benefit your land and father, and you will be able to spend your life with Eleanor."

"How?" Katherine asked, "How would that even work?"

"You will marry Arthur, and become Queen of Camelot, but you wouldn't have to lie with him, you don't have to share a bed, you can spend every night with Eleanor in your own chambers."

Eleanor looked at Katherine, with what looked like a hopeful look on her face. Katherine, however, looked unsure.

"Come to Camelot, and meet Arthur." Merlin suggested, "Both of you, because it is both of yours decision, and I am not expecting an answer straight away."

Merlin then bowed his head to both of them, treating both princess and servant the same.

"Goodnight, my Ladies." He said before leaving.

Once inside his own chambers, Merlin shut the door, and leant against it. He put a hand over his mouth, his whole body shaking.

Even though Katherine marrying Arthur was the best possible situation that could realistically happen, it still hurt to think of him marrying someone else. Merlin rubbed his eyes, wiping away a few of the tears that had fallen. This was all his idea so he had to be the one that is strong. Arthur will be allowed to break down when he hears of this plan, and Merlin will even be there for Katherine and Eleanor, but Merlin was not allowed to show how much this is hurting him because he is the one setting it up.

The next morning Merlin had breakfast with Katherine and the two Camelot Knights. Katherine was back to being her charming self and chatted with Lancelot and Percival throughout the meal, even though she seemed to avoid Merlin's glance.

Eleanor was serving and this made Merlin feel uncomfortable somewhat, so as soon as the food was on the table, Merlin turned to the waiting girl and asked if she would like to join them. The Knights were used to this as Merlin often did this back home with the servants there. As Merlin used to be part of the serving staff he was friends with a lot of the servants, cooks and help. If they were having a casual meal then Merlin would often ask the person serving to seat with them, making him the most popular person in the whole of the kingdom.

Eleanor and Katherine were not use to this though and both looked at Merlin like he had grown an extra head.

"Only if that is ok with you, of course." He smiled, turning back to Katherine.

"Yes...of course." Katherine answered. Eleanor looked nervous as she seat in-between Merlin and Lancelot, but Merlin quickly brought her into a conversation as Katherine spoke to the Knights.

"How long have you lived here?" Merlin asked, smiling at her.

"Since I was about five." Eleanor answered. She seemed nervous as she slowly ate the eggs in front of her. Merlin could see Katherine looking at her with a gentle smile as Percival tried and failed to flirt with her. Merlin knew that look. It was the look of pure love. It was clear by the way Katherine was staring at the serving girl that there was great love between them.

"Do you live in the lower town?" Merlin asked.

"No." Eleanor said, shaking her head, "My parents died before I came here and the cook took me in; I live in the servant room adjoining Lady Katherine's chambers."

Merlin nodded, putting a few grapes in his mouth.

"It must be quite nice just being next door." Merlin said, after swallowing, "I had to always walk all the way to the bottom of the castle after completing my duties, it was quite tiring."

He saw a blush grow over her cheeks and she nodded. Merlin smiled again and turned to Lancelot as he started a conversation with him. Percival gave up on flirting with Katherine, as she remained indifferent to him, and changed tactics to Eleanor, who only blushed deeper at being spoken to by a Knight. Merlin shook his head, amused, as Percival took this as a good sign and continued his advances. Katherine just grew angry, but hid it well from all but Merlin.

"I think I am finished now." Katherine said, standing up abruptly, "Come Eleanor, I need your help getting ready for the meeting with my Father."

Eleanor stood, bowing to the Knights and Merlin, and followed Katherine out of the room.

"You're an idiot, Perc." Lancelot laughed once the door to the dining area was closed.

"I wasn't the only one flirting." Percival told him, pointing his fork to Merlin, "Merlin was getting cosy with the serving girl."

Merlin felt himself laughing at this, and Lancelot grinned.

"Don't be silly, everyone knows Merlin is already taken." Lancelot said. Merlin stopped laughing at this and his mouth slammed shut as he pressed his lips together and a blush formed quickly over his cheeks and nose.

"Sorry, I forgot." Percival smiled, shovelling ham and eggs into his mouth.

Well, Merlin's beliefs were just confirmed. The Knights knew about his and Arthur's relationship. He kept quiet though, not wanting to confirm nor deny it. Lancelot gave him a gentle shove and went back to his breakfast, and no one said no more.

It surprised Merlin. It seemed like the Knights had accepted it without an issue, and like it was just a natural fact, like the sun raising and setting every day. Thinking about it, most of the Knights had meet Arthur and Merlin when they were already courting. For all the Knights, save Leon, they have known no different. They had always seen the closeness that Arthur and Merlin shared and guess in a way that meant once they figured out the nature of their relationship, it was normal.

Merlin smiled as no judgement was passed on to him, and the way Lancelot and Percival continued to eat breakfast and chat as if nothing out of the ordinarily had just occurred.

Later that day, Katherine came over to Merlin after he had finished demonstrating how magic could be used to help crops grew so they are able to find many more people than normal crops. This technique had been used in Camelot and less and less people were going hungry.

"Very impressive display." Katherine told him as her father and the other court members who had watched headed back to the castle. Merlin smiled at her.

"I'm glad you liked it, Princess." He responded. He saw her eyes flicker to the court members' retreating backs, and then looked back at him.

"If I was going to go through with this marriage, I need to meet the man I am to marry first." She said, her voice low now, and somewhat nervous.

"Of course." Merlin said, "Come to Camelot, we would love to have such a stunning woman in our halls."

"I'm not saying that I'm going through with it!" Katherine told him, pointing a finger up in a defence manner, "But meeting King Arthur might help me make my decision."

"I would not expect you to rush such an important decision, my Lady." Merlin said, calmly, an amused smile tagging at his lips, "I will gladly escort you back to Camelot."

Katherine nodded, lowering her finger and tried to regain some of her composure.

"Right, then I shall request an audience with my father to ask him if I can travel to Camelot with you when you leave." She said, and started walking towards the castle. Merlin walked with her.

"Tell me Merlin, how long have you been courting King Arthur?" She asked. Merlin blushed, but answered.

"About seven years now I think."

"Really?" Katherine asked, surprised, "And is it true you used to be his manservant?"

"Yes, I was his manservant for many years before that."

"Hmm... I would never imagine Arthur finding love in such an unlikely place." Katherine said, a wondering look on her face, "I take it he grew up a little bit?"

"Have you met him before then?" Merlin asked, as they walked along the edge of the field.

"Oh yes, our Fathers were great friends and we spent many summers together, although I'm sure he will remember my brother, James, a lot better than me as I spent most of my time with the Lady Morgana." Katherine replied, "We stop seeing one another when James turned ten, but I still remember those summers fondly."

"I never knew Arthur as a child, what was he like?" Merlin asked, his hands behind his back as he looked at the Princess. She laughed, pulling a strand of wheat as she walked past it, and twirling it around in her fingers.

"He was very loud for an only child, and very competitive, I remember he use to order the servants around a lot and he use to tease Morgana and I, but we use to tease him back so it was all in good fun." Katherine told him.

"I don't think he has changed much." Merlin smiled, "Even though, he might have got better with the servants, but that is only because I threatened to hoax him if he is too harsh with them."

"I heard that he was a good King." Katherine said, "Very kind and patient, so unlike his father, who was the only man who ever scared me."

"Why, Princess Katherine, I cannot imagine any man has managed to scare you." Merlin told her truthfully. He had never met another woman so headstrong and confident. Katherine laughed, her face lighting up.

"I suppose you're right, my Father says that my boldness is my best and worst trait, he swears that one day trouble shall fall upon me because of it."

"But with such a beautiful face, trouble won't stay with you long." Merlin replied.

He was amazed how easy it was to talk to the Princess. Without realising it they had made it to the castle gates, having spoken the whole way about everything and anything. Merlin could see them becoming friends if their relationship at the moment didn't depend on secrets and a live changing decision.

Later that day, a meeting was held with Katherine, the King and Merlin. Eleanor was also present but she just stood by the wall, invisible as a servant to the King, but her presence was noticed by the Warlock and the Princess.

"Father, I wish to visit Camelot." Katherine said, straight to the point. The old King did not say anything, but did look slightly amused. He turned to Merlin.

"Princess Katherine will be my personal guest at Camelot and she will be well looked after." Merlin promised the king without him having to ask. A smile played at the old man's lips, which confused Merlin but he didn't question it.

"I heard that you two had been seen talking together quite a bit during your visit." He said, earning shocked and embarrassed grasps from both of them.

"Really Father? You sound like an old wife the way you crave gossip." Katherine told him.

"Really, Sire, it isn't like that." Merlin blushed, "Me and Katherine have just found pleasant conversation from each other and the Princess merely expressed her desire to see how Camelot has grown since she was child."

The king just waved his hand, dismissing the comments.

"Very well, my daughter, you may go to Camelot." He said, "I have been very impressed with Merlin's arguments for magic, and I can see now that I was just swept along with Uther and his convictions for the art." He said, addressing Merlin, "I see now how magic can help the citizens of our kingdom and make it even greater, as long as the dark magic's are forbidden."

Merlin bowed his head to the king and smiled.

"I am glad, your Majesty." He said, "I promise to look after Katherine and see that she is well catered for."

"I have no fear of that, my boy." The King smiled, and dismissed them.

The next day they set off to go back to Camelot. Katherine brought Eleanor with her, along with two Knights that her father insisted upon. They all had horses so it was an easy journey, however it was still a long way home and they had to stop for the night.

Merlin sat on a log beside the fire, absentmindedly poking at the burning logs with a stick. The Knights were asleep, reassured by Merlin that he will stand guard and wake them if anything is amiss. Princess Katherine was also asleep in the tent that was brought along for her comfort. Merlin assumed that Eleanor was asleep as well until she sat down next to him.

"Can't sleep?" He asked, smiling at her.

"I often find sleep hard to come by when we are outside the castle walls." Eleanor told him, smoothing her dress flat across her legs as she spoke. Merlin noticed that she looked quite nervous and her eyes were glued to the trees around them, as if searching for something.

"I am just the same, I never sleep when we are in the woods like this." Merlin said.

"Never?" She asked, turning to look at him, "But the journey to Camelot is at least 3 days, surly you have to sleep at some point."

"Benefit of being a Warlock." Merlin smiled, sadly, "I can enchant my body to stay awake for long periods of time but, alas, it comes with its downfalls; as soon as I stop the enchantment I will sleep for days to catch up with my missed sleep."

Upon arriving at Katherine's kingdom, Merlin greeted the King and then fell down, crashing from the lack of sleep. Lancelot and Percival, who know of Merlin's habits when they are outside of Camelot, told the King that the Warlock was receiving from a recent cold and the journey had made him tired and ill. Merlin was in bed for a day and a half before he was able to see the King again.

"Why do you stay awake then?" Eleanor asked. Merlin looked into the fire, his ears listening to the forest around them. He could hear the sounds of a fox or a badger snuffling around the ground nearby, probably searching for food. It was a good sound. A sound that meant they were safe for now. No danger was nearby.

"Something happened to me several years ago that makes it hard for me to trust the world around me." He answered.

"Something also happened to me and my family." Eleanor said, looking back to the trees, "It gives me nightmares."

Merlin turned and looked at her, seeing the scared look on her face as she continued to look through the trees and leaves. He placed a hand on her knee as a source of comfort. Eleanor smiled at the contact and placed her hand on top of hers.

"Don't worry, I shall protect you and everyone else here, I have learnt to be quite a good look out." Merlin tried to reassure her. Eleanor just nodded, and blushed slightly.

"It's weird, because I've only known you a couple of days, but I feel that I can trust you already." She said.

"I think I just have that affect on people." Merlin answered, a smile on his face.

"I think it's because no one understands what I'm going through more then you, and you give me hope that it's all going to ok." She told him, "You give me hope that it's going to get better."

"It will." Merlin told her, and then looked behind them to the tent. Eleanor followed his glance and her eyes settled on the tent as well.

"She thinks it's a good idea." She told Merlin.

"You've spoke about it?" He asked, looking back at her. Eleanor nodded, her eyes still on the tent.

"She realises that it will greatly benefit her kingdom and that she will have to marry on day anyway, but it still hurts." Eleanor replied, tears now in her eyes. Merlin squeezed her knee gently with his hand that was still placed there.

"I know."

Eleanor tightened her own grip on his hand, and looked at him, understanding in her eyes.

"Oh the woes of servants." She mumbled, earning a small chuckle from Merlin.

They sat in silence for a moment, until Eleanor stood up, smiling at Merlin.

"Well, I think I shall go to bed now." She said.

"Wait." Merlin told her and stood up. He placed a hand on her forehead, while Eleanor looked at him, confused.

"Just relax." He reassured her, closing his eyes. He whispered some words under his breath and Eleanor's shoulders relaxed and a soft sigh fell from her lips.

"What did you do?" She asked, her voice dreamy.

"I made it so you won't have nightmares tonight." Merlin told her. A smile played on her lips.

"Thank you." She said, before walking over to the tent as if she was in a trance, and disappearing into it.

Merlin sat back down, smiling at his recent spell. His eyes returned to the fire and he listened to the forest around him, getting ready for the night.

* * *

><p>"You need sleep, Merlin." Lancelot told him as they reached the gates of Camelot. Merlin's eyes snapped open and he hadn't even realised that they had closed and looked around him. They had been travelling for almost 3 days now and he hadn't slept in 3 nights. This wasn't the longest he had gone without sleep but it was still hard.<p>

"I am fine." Merlin reassured him with a wave of his hand but yawned, "I need to talk with Arthur first anyway." He said through the yawn. Lancelot rolled his eyes and led the group through the lower towns of the castle and into the courtyard. Merlin swayed a little on his horse and muttered under his breath to make the enchantment last a little longer. His mind and body protested though and he could feel that the spell wouldn't last a lot longer. A couple of hours at most.

Arthur was standing at the bottom of the steps and looked slightly confused to see that there was more people arrive then had left. There had been no time to send word ahead so the King had not known about their guests. He came over to Merlin as he dismounted and caught him as he stumbled.

"You need to stop doing that spell." He told the Warlock, his voice laced with concern at the man's current state. Merlin waved him off as he had waved Lancelot off, and stood up straight, out of Arthur's hands.

"King Arthur, let me introduce Princess Katherine." He said, walking around his horse and up to the Princess as she dismounted. She smiled politely at the King, holding her hand out in the proper greeting manner. Arthur took her hand and bowed his head to kiss it.

"Katherine, it has been such a long time since I last show you." Arthur said, a polite but confused look on his face, "Why, how you have grown into such a stunning young lady."

"And how you have grown too, Arthur." She smiled, "I have heard many kind stories about you, that I must say amaze me from what I remember from our childhood."

"Well, I couldn't stay a child forever." Arthur smiled, "Now, what to do I owe such a pleasure?"

"Merlin here was telling me all about Camelot and I just had to visit to see how much it has changed." Katherine replied.

"Why don't we discuss it further over some lunch?" Merlin said, smiling from Arthur to Katherine. Before anyone could answer, Merlin turned to Thomas, who was standing nearby awaiting orders.

"Tom, could you please fetch enough lunch for four and serve us in the meeting room as soon as you can." Merlin asked. Thomas bowed, use to receive orders from Merlin, and set off to do it straight away. Arthur gave him a questioning look but Merlin didn't notice as he handed his ruins to a stable boy and wrapped his arms around Eleanor, bring her closer to the king.

"This is Eleanor, Katherine's lady in waiting, and she will be joining us for lunch." Merlin told Arthur, before spinning round, taking the very nervous girl with him, and leading the way up the steps and into the castle.

"Are you ok?" Eleanor whispered, her voice just a squeak as she was dragged gently through the castle. Merlin was very tired and he had to try hard to think straight. Eleanor could feel his hands shaking from exhaustion and was also very, very aware that they were walking in front of the King and Princess, something that a servant was not allowed to do. Merlin also felt very nervous about the meeting they were just about to have, and was afraid how Arthur was going to act.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." Merlin lied.

"Is he always like this?" Katherine asked in a whisper behind them. Arthur sighed and nodded.

"He isn't quite used to being of high status yet and can sometimes forget that he needs to act properly, especially around servants and the citizens." He replied, "And I think he is over-tired and that often leads him to be quite ecstatic."

Katherine chuckled softly.

"He must be fun to have around the castle." She said.

"A day is never boring with Merlin." Arthur smiled, looking at the back of the Warlock fondly.

They arrived at the meeting room and Merlin sat Eleanor and Katherine down next to each other. Eleanor looked shocked and was fiddling with her hands nervously. Katherine placed her hands over the servant's girl's and smiled at her to calm her nerves.

Merlin turned to Arthur as he sat the door and kissed him briefly on the lips. When Merlin withdrew, Arthur was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Merlin!" He hissed, urgently, looking over to the two women in the room, "What are you doing?"

"It's ok, they know." Merlin told him, and "So do half the Knights, but don't worry, I didn't tell them, they figured it out." He said this all very fast and Arthur looked like he couldn't quite register it all in time in his shock.

"The Knights!" He asked, angst in his voice, "What?"

Merlin just waved him off, turning back round to face their guests.

"Thomas will be here soon with our lunch, my Ladies." Merlin smiled, unaware of the confused and slightly angry look on Arthur's face behind him.

"What is going on here?" Arthur asked, trying very hard not to let his anger show. Merlin stopped talking as his lover spoke and he licked his lips nervously.

"Calm yourself Arthur." Katherine said from where she was sitting, "We will not reveal your secret as we have one very similar."

With that, she moved hers and Eleanor's hands so they were resting on the table in view of everyone in the room. Arthur stared at the two elegant intertwined on the smooth wooden surface. It was a beautiful thing to behold.

Arthur walked over to the head of the table and sunk down in the chair, still looking at the hands. He sighed, rubbing his face.

"Do you seek sanctuary here?" He asked. Katherine shook her head, holding it up high in her pride.

"Merlin offered us a proposal and we are here to think it over." She told him. Arthur looked to Merlin, who was pacing the floor, rubbing his hands together and his eyes were darting around the room. It was clear that he was over tired but he had to finish this conversation with Arthur before he could even think about going to bed.

"And what is this proposal?" Arthur asked, still watching Merlin. He expected the Warlock to answer, but when he didn't and the silence became overbearing, Katherine was the one to answer.

"To be your Queen."

"What!" Arthur asked, standing up in shock and surprise.

"Before you outright refuse this, please listen." Merlin begged, looking at him, "You and Princess Katherine are in the same situation, you both are royals that need to wed, but you are unable to marry the person you love, that is why you need each other."

"I don't have to marry." Arthur told him, his face hard but his eyes soft.

"Yes, you do." Merlin sighed, "No matter how much you deny it, one day you will be forced to marry."

It felt like someone had kicked Arthur in the stomach as this harsh truth was thrown at him. He found it hard to breath for a moment and he wanted to envelope Merlin up in his arms.

"If you were to marry Princess Katherine, you would never have to lie with her, the marriage would only be so you wouldn't have to marry someone else and be forced to be away...away from us." Merlin said, gesturing to himself and Eleanor. He had stopped pacing and the look in his eyes was one of great sorrow and pain. He was looking at Arthur, his eyes begging for him to understand.

However, Arthur was still in a state of shock at the sudden knowledge that people actually knew his greatest secret; a secret that could bring down his entire kingdom. He didn't know how to respond to the proposal that was being placed in front of him, and he was struggling not to yell in his anguish. He didn't want to marry, no matter who the suitor was. He wanted to stay with Merlin by his side. So far he had ignored all the advice given to him and had not found a queen. He knew that having a woman by his side would greatly benefit Camelot but he couldn't bring himself to leave Merlin.

Arthur looked from Merlin to Eleanor, who had her head bowed. She held Katherine's hand tightly, as if it was her life line, and her shoulders were shaking slightly. Arthur then looked at Katherine, who was slowly rubbing Eleanor's hand with her thumb, while looking at Arthur. She looked strong, like she did when they were children. He could tell that she was trying not to let any emotions show but her eyes spoke a different story. One full of love and hurt and worry.

"What do you think of this?" He asked her, as Merlin started to pace again to keep awake.

"I know of your pain Arthur." Katherine answered, sitting up a bit straighter, "I know how cruel this world can be to love like ours, and I know the pressure that is put on people like us to marry to form bonds and alliances with other kingdoms, but I couldn't begin to think of the pain that will be put upon my beloved if she was to see me marrying another."

Her hold of Eleanor's hand tightened slightly and she continued to speak,

"I always thought that one day I would have to marry a man that I do not love and lie with him so I can bare his heirs, and the thought always sickened me to my stomach."

Arthur nodded, folding his arms against his chest as he thought about sharing his bed with someone who wasn't Merlin. The thought made a wave of nausea to flow through his body.

"The offer that Merlin has given me is one that I could only ever dream of." Katherine continued, "To marry someone as strong and respected as you, and to never have to share your bed but instead spend my nights with Eleanor is something of a fantasy."

"You would have separate chambers that you and Eleanor could share." Merlin mumbled from where he was pacing. Arthur could see that he was tiring as his shoulders dropped and his movements became unsteady.

"I am going to put Merlin to bed." The King announced as the Warlock stumbled on an invisible source. Merlin's head snapped up to look at him.

"You can't, we haven't discussed this properly yet." He said.

"I think your part is done, Merlin." Arthur told him, gently taking hold of his elbow, "Me and Katherine can discuss it further from here without you."

"And Eleanor." Merlin said, a slight glare on his face. Eleanor looked up at her name, confused.

"Eleanor is as much a part of this as Katherine is, it should be her decision as well." Merlin told them.

"Sire, please..." Eleanor said, her voice small. She wasn't used to being treated as such an equal.

"No, he is right." Arthur sighed, and gave her a small smile, "I shall be back soon, please start lunch without me when it arrives."

Katherine nodded and Arthur dragged Merlin out of the room.

"How could you do this without me?" Arthur hissed as they walked along the corridor.

"You weren't there." Merlin answered simply, a smile on his face, "Are you going to do it then?"

"Merlin! How can you be so happy about this?" Arthur asked, anger and desperation on his voice. Merlin shrugged, his eyes dropping close for a second.

"It's a better option then you marry anyone else." He told him. He stumbled again and Arthur caught him. He shook his head as he helped Merlin back on his feet.

"You need to stop doing this spell! It's going to kill you one day."

"It's just because I'm home, my body knows that my bed is near." Merlin told him.

They arrived at Merlin's room and Arthur tried to put Merlin on the bed, but the Warlock got up and started to mumbled words under his breath as he walked over to his desk. Arthur show his eyes glow gold briefly, but it wasn't his normal brilliant, bright gold, but dull and lifeless, tired and worn. Arthur sighed, following him.

"Merlin, you need to go to bed." He said, but Merlin wasn't listening.

"She is brilliant, isn't she, no one will even notice with her black hair and blue eyes, of course the child will have blue eyes, and I would prefer your golden hair to match their golden eyes; the magic might be hard to explain but we can just say that I taught them." Merlin said, rambling on.

"What?" Arthur asked, watching as Merlin flicked through the paper that littered his desk. Merlin was never one for organisation. Merlin turned back round, the smile still on his face. It looked goofy in his current tired state, but the sight of it made a small smile play on the corners of Arthur's lips.

"I can do it now, don't you see?" Merlin asked, "With Katherine as your Queen, I can bare your children, we can have a child together."

It took a second for this to sink in, but when it did a real smile fell upon the King's lips. He could see it now. A young little boy he imagined, with Merlin's dark locks, because as much as Merlin liked Arthur's blonde hair, Arthur much preferred the darkness of Merlin's hair. It seemed so beautiful compared to the dirty blonde hair that he owned. The boy running around their rooms, playing with a wooden sword and fighting back a smoke dragon that Merlin conquered up, as the two lovers laugh on the bed at the boy's play. It was such a stunning image, one that Arthur longed for, and it now seemed possible.

"You need to promise me that while I'm asleep you will speak with Princess Katherine and make your discussion." Merlin said, his voice become desperate as he turned around and clutched Arthur's shirt with a tight fist.

"I-" Arthur started, token aback by the sudden outburst.

"Promise!" Merlin begged.

"Ok!" Arthur said, "We will talk, I promise."

Merlin relaxed at that and he rested his head against Arthur's chest as a content sigh fell from his lips. Arthur held him tight and looked at the papers on the desk as he did so. He could see the potions and spells needed for the transformation that Merlin wanted to undertake. It looked long and complicated. A word written in red ink caught Arthur's attention and he read it.

'_Caution' _

Frowning, Arthur read on,

'_This spell has only been performed by a few, but most have not lived to taste the benefits. This spell has not been proven to work well, and the results may be fatal. Take caution when performing and do not undertake unless completely certain of the risks'_

"You can't do this." Arthur said, his hope smashed again. Merlin looked up and followed his glance, reading the small paragraph as well. He gave a small, broken laugh.

"You underestimate my power." He told the King.

"Maybe, but what if you are overestimating it and you fail?" Arthur asked "You will die."

He saw that Merlin's eyes drafted shut for a second but the Warlock mumbled some more words again and when he reopened his eyes they were the dull gold again.

"I will be fine, Arthur, I know what I can do." Merlin tried to reassure him with his goofy smile but it didn't work.

"You can't do it, Merlin!" Arthur told him, gripping his arms tightly. Merlin winced and for a second tried to break Arthur's grip, but he was too tired and ended up slumping down slightly.

"I have to do it, Arthur, I am going to do it for the both of us." Merlin smiled, "I will give you an heir."

"Merlin! As your King I forbid you to do this!" Arthur shouted and then let go of Merlin as his hands went to his mouth in shock. He had never yelled at Merlin like that and had never used his higher status over Merlin, especially since they started courting.

Merlin didn't seem fazed by it thought and even gave a small chuckle.

"When have you ever been able to order me around, Arthur?" He asked, and then fell forward. Arthur caught him, tears in his eyes.

"I can't lose you Merlin." Arthur told him as Merlin's eyes drafted shut, "Not again."

"You won't Arthur." Merlin told him and Arthur believed his sure tone. He felt Merlin go heavy in his arms and he knew that he had finally gone to sleep.

"You're such an idiot, Merlin." Arthur sighed, carrying him over to the bed and laying him down.

Arthur pulled off his boots and carefully got him undressed and into his night clothes. Merlin still had a smile on his face, even in his sleep, and Arthur had to laugh at Merlin's determination. Arthur lent down and kissed his forehead gently.

"Sleep well, my love." He whispered on his skin.

**Did you like? If you did please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

Merlin jumped awake as someone sat down next to him. It was dark and for a minute he panicked, sliding away from the person. It was cold and he thought he was back to 7 years ago, in the dark, empty room with the chains and the brute men.

"Merlin?" The person asked and Merlin relaxed as he realised it was Arthur. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he mumbled a spell. An orb with a soft light appeared and Merlin could see Arthur looking at him with concerned eyes.

"How long have I been asleep?" Merlin asked, moving back over so his skin was against Arthur's. The king lied down and Merlin crawled on top of him so his head was resting on Arthur's chest.

"A day and a half." Arthur replied, rubbing his back in small, comforting circles, "You should sleep until morning." He added as Merlin yawned.

"Did you talk to Katherine and Eleanor?" Merlin asked, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath so all of Arthur's scent filled him.

"Yes, we spent a lot of time talking."

"Good." Merlin smiled, nuzzling his nose against Arthur's bare chest.

"Do you want to know what decision we came to?" Arthur asked.

"No." Merlin replied, wanting one more care free night "Tell me in the morning."

He felt Arthur's lips against his forehead as he drafted off to sleep again.

* * *

><p>The next morning Arthur, Merlin, Katherine and Eleanor sat down together to have breakfast. They were in Arthur's chambers and they all looked nervous. Arthur hadn't said anymore to Merlin; about the marriage or the transformation spell. He only thought that it would upset his lover further, and Merlin knew how upset he was about the spell so he hoped that Merlin wouldn't do it. Merlin wouldn't do anything to upset him; that he was sure of.<p>

"So we spoke." Arthur told Merlin, who wasn't eating his breakfast but playing with his hands under the table.

"And what is your decision?" He asked, licking his lips and looking at Arthur.

"We decided that it was the only option we have." Katherine answered. Merlin's heart sunk at this. He didn't know why. It was his idea in the first place, but regardless of that his heart still felt like it was falling into an endless pit. He lowered his glance from Arthur and looked down at his lap, where his hands were wringing together in rough circles.

"I am travelling to Katherine's castle tomorrow to ask her father for her hand in marriage." Arthur told Merlin.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Merlin asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Don't be silly, Merlin." Arthur said, his voice small, "You've only just recovered from your last visit."

Merlin looked up, knowing what Arthur was saying was meant to be taken as a joke as well as friendly advice. He smiled at the King upon seeing his sad and concerned eyes.

"You're right, but make sure you take Leon and at least one other Knight with you." Merlin told him, "You can't go riding out alone."

"Do you want to talk more about this, Merlin?" Katherine asked, recognising the signs of deep heartache. Merlin looked up at her, hating her for a moment for being able to marry the person he loved when he couldn't. But when he looked up he saw Eleanor as well, who was crying, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. All the hate washed away then. They were going through the same thing that he and Arthur was. They weren't enemies and Katherine wasn't stealing Arthur from him. They were in this together. They were going to share the pain and the hardship together.

"No." He answered, reaching over to Arthur's hand and taking it tightly in his, "No, we don't need to talk about it further."

Katherine nodded, understanding, and turned to her love to comfort her. Arthur brought Merlin's knuckles up to his lips and kissed them softly, looking at him with soft eyes.

The rest of the breakfast was silent and afterwards the two women left to go to their chambers.

When they left, Merlin studied Arthur, who seemed to be struggling to hold it all in.

"I'm sorry." Merlin whispered. Arthur shook his head, holding Merlin's hand to his lips as a way to hold himself together.

"It's a good idea, Merlin." Arthur answered, "You do have them sometimes."

Merlin smiled at the attempt of a tease, but Arthur didn't. He looked at Merlin as his eyes shone with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way." He told Merlin. The Warlock shrugged.

"Maybe one day it will be different." He said, a sigh escaping his lips.

"Maybe, but not in our life time." Arthur told him. Merlin just smiled him.

"Then we will have to find each other in that life time and finally we will marry." He told him.

"Yes." Arthur answered, a look of hope on his face, "I will seek the earth for you if it meant we could finally be united the way we should be."

A tear fell from Arthur's eye as he lent forward and sealed the promise with a kiss. Merlin cupped Arthur's cheek, leaning into the kiss, the promise on his tongue as well.

* * *

><p>Merlin gave Arthur his horse's ruins and the blonde gave him a small nod in thanks. Katherine, Eleanor, Leon, Elyan, Thomas and Katherine's two Knights were already mounted on their horses. They were ready to go and were just waiting for the King now.<p>

"Take care of yourself." Merlin smiled. Arthur nodded, before grabbing hold of Merlin's wrist tightly.

"Promise me you won't do the spell while I'm away." Arthur asked him, his voice in pure desperation.

"What?" Merlin asked, trying to get his wrist out of the tight hold.

"The spell to change your insides." Arthur whispered in more of a hiss than anything else, "Promise me you won't attempt it."

"Arthur-" Merlin started but Arthur cut him off.

"Promise me!" He said, loudly this time. A few people turned to look at them but the King ignored them. Seeing the panic in his eyes, Merlin frowned but nodded.

"I promise."

Arthur studied him for a moment and then just gave a small nod.

"Look after Camelot while I'm away." Arthur told him, mounting his horse.

"I always do, you Prat." Merlin said, his eyebrow raised. Arthur couldn't help the laugh that escaped his lips and he shook his head.

"Idiot." He muttered, loud enough for Merlin to hear, before giving his horse a gentle kick and starting the journey.

Merlin watched him go and felt his heart weighed down slightly.

Merlin couldn't even do the transformation if he wanted to. Everyone seemed to demand his attention in the two weeks that Arthur was absence, something the Warlock was sure that the King had planned.

Gaius often wanted his help with something, even something the servant boys could do like collecting herbs. It felt like he was back being a manservant as he woke early and went into the woods just outside the castle to collect plants for the old man. Of course Merlin did it without complaint, as he would do anything for his old mentor.

Gwen seemed to have a different problem everyday for Merlin to sort out. They ranged to serious matters such as some of the houses in the lower town collapsing in a storm to really trivial things like a petty argument between two serving boys. The kind of problems that Gwen could have easily sorted out on her own and suddenly she needed his help. The houses, of course, Merlin was needed for. He got them back together in an afternoon, but the rest of the problems didn't require his attention.

Gwaine also seemed to be there when ever Merlin thought he could finally have a break. Nearly every evening, just as Merlin was going to bed, he would come knocking on his door, holding a jug of wine and wearing a massive grin. Whenever Merlin told him he was going to bed, Gwaine would pout and moan,

"But Merlin, we never spend any time together anymore!"

So the guilt-ridden Merlin spent many hours every evening turning down Gwaine's wine and listen to him natter on about the woes of a Knight of Camelot.

And then there was the extra duties needed to be done because of Arthur's absences. Merlin had to take over the most important ones that needed to be done every day, like making sure the Knights trained and attending all the meetings about the going-ons of Camelot, and making sure the patrols went out, and deal with any issues that might arise.

And on top of all of that Merlin had to keep up with his own duties.

So it was fair to say that Merlin was ready to murder Arthur by the time he got back.

Merlin sat on window seat of Arthur's room the day he was due to come back. The dark haired man was tired and irritable and his back was sore from the restless nights he had been having from sleeping away from Arthur. He tried to stay awake so he would know when Arthur got there and go down to greet him, but his mind had other plans as this was the first time he had actually sat down and relaxed in two weeks. His eyes slowly dropped shut and Merlin fell asleep.

He woke up to someone placing a fur throw over him. His eyes opened and he was surprised to see that it was dark. A single candle was lit and in the soft glow of it Merlin's eyes found Arthur's.

"You're back late." Merlin mumbled, still half asleep.

"Yes, well, the Princess Katherine had a lot of luggage." Arthur sighed, pointing out of the window. Merlin shifted slightly and he saw in the court yard a carriage that was being unloaded by a small line of servants.

"I take it her father said yes then?" Merlin asked, turning back round to face Arthur. He should really get up and embrace him, and press soft kisses to his jaw but Merlin was tired and it was Arthur's fault anyway so he stayed where he was.

"Yes...we are to be wed in two days time." Arthur answered, tagging off his boots as he sat on the edge of the bed. He sounded sad, regretful almost.

"Congratulations." Merlin mumbled after a moment of silence. It wasn't bitter but Arthur closed his eyes as he said it.

"I'm sorry." Arthur said, his shoulders dropping in defeat, "If I could have any other way, I would."

"I know." Merlin sighed, looking outside again as the boxes and chests that were being carried into the castle.

"They are setting up her chambers in the one opposite this room tomorrow." Arthur told Merlin as he noticed him watching the unpacking going on.

Merlin turned back to him and his eyes became wistful as he saw Arthur standing there, bare chested and ready for bed.

"I've missed you." Merlin whispered, his previous anger towards the man disappearing. Arthur tilted his head slightly and his eyes grew soft.

"I've missed you too." He said, holding out a hand for Merlin to take, "Now, come to bed."

Merlin obeyed without question. He found himself lying on top of Arthur as they kissed. They made love that night. It was slow and tears fell. It was silly really, because they weren't losing each other. They would still have each other but to the outside world it would look different. They would be no more Arthur and Merlin. It would be King Arthur and his beautiful wife Queen Katherine.

"I love you." Arthur sighed onto Merlin's lips as they breathed in each other's scent. Merlin rested his head against Arthur's forehead, tears rolling down his cheeks as he moved his hips in slow thrusts with Arthur's.

"I love you too." Merlin told him, "More than the earth, sun and moon."

He closed his mouth over Arthur's as he came with Arthur's name ringing in his throat. Arthur followed quickly, coming over their stomachs. He held Merlin tightly as they shook with ecstasy and tears.

"I'm never going to leave you." Merlin told Arthur as he stayed lying on top of him. Arthur kissed his jaw softly, leaving his skin tingling.

"Nor I you." Arthur replied and they fell asleep in each other's arms, the moonlight the only thing to see them in their naked, bliss state.

* * *

><p>Camelot was alive with the chat of the royal wedding the next couple of days. The whole city was excited for it and servants were busy readying the castle of the celebrations. Banners were hung and flowers seemed to be around every corner.<p>

Everyone seemed to be happy. Everyone except four people. They all had to pretend that they were happy though. Katherine and Arthur walked around the castle together, acting like they were in love. They were very good at it really. Stories of them falling in love as children were told around the castle. They fell in love but they were torn apart and never saw each other again. The heart break they must have felt, even though they were only nine years old at the time. However, fate brought them back together and it's as if they have never been apart. Servant girls wept at this story and even Merlin must admit that it would be a lovely story, if it was true at all. Arthur and Katherine did get along very well, and they fit the part beautiful as they walk around arm in arm. They have become fast friends, but there is no romance at all between them.

The afternoon before the wedding, Merlin was walking back to his chambers to do some research. He stopped as the door to Katherine's chambers opened and Eleanor came rushing out. She was breathing fast and there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Eleanor." Merlin said, walking over to her as she leant against the wall. She froze as she realised someone had spotted her and wiped her eyes quickly.

"Dress fitting?" Merlin asked simply. Eleanor's lips pressed together tightly as if she was trying to hold something in but she just nodded, another tear making its way down her cheek.

"It's ok to feel this way." Merlin told her gently, putting a hand on her shoulder, "We all feel the same."

"I...I'm suppose to get her some water." Eleanor said, her voice shaking. Merlin nodded.

"Come, I'll walk with you." He smiled, offering her his arm. She looked at it nervously for a moment before hooking her arm through his and gave a very weak smile.

"You're different then everyone else." Eleanor told him as they started to walk down the corridor.

"That's because I know what it is like to be servant." Merlin told her, "Just because I'm a noble now doesn't make me any better then you, it's our actions that define us, not our titles."

They walked in silence for a few minutes as they made their way slowly through the castle. Merlin knew Eleanor was in no rush to get back to watching her beloved get measured for a wedding dress so she can get married to someone else. Katherine probably sent Eleanor out so she wouldn't have to watch it.

They passed a few guards who nodded at Merlin in a friendly manner and a group of serving girls who smiled and bowed as they walked past. Merlin smiled back, wishing them a 'good afternoon'. Thomas walked by them on the way back from the stables and he stopped to talk.

"Working you hard?" Merlin asked, slight amusement in his voice as he picked a strand of hay out of the manservant's hair.

"No, Arthur actually gave me the day off today after the long journey back here, but I don't like sitting around all day doing nothing so I was helping my friend in the stables." Thomas said, a smile on his face. Merlin laughed.

"I would never volunteer to do that." He said, "But enjoy your day off, Tommy."

"Shall do, Sire." Thomas smiled, before bowing to both of them and walking towards the servant quarters.

"I've never seen servants so friendly towards a noble." Eleanor observed as they set back on their journey towards the water fountain.

"I knew most of these people before I was given a title." Merlin told her, "I'm not going to change just because I have a crown."

Eleanor nodded, her arm tightening around Merlin's slightly.

"Everyone seems really friendly here." She said, "It would be easier if they weren't."

"How so?" Merlin asked, confused. He looked down at her and could see her eyes on the floor.

"It would be easier if I hated it here...it would be easier if I could hate you and Arthur, but I can't because you're such nice people." She told him.

"I know." Merlin sighed, "But Arthur isn't taking Katherine away from you, it will be no different."

"It will though." Eleanor sighed, looking up at Merlin, "Before she was never with anyone else, but now all I see is her and Arthur walking around arm in arm...it's-"

"Heartbreaking." Merlin finished for her.

"Yeah." Eleanor looked up at him, her eyebrows creased slightly.

"Sorry..." She said, "I forget that someone else knows my pain."

"It's ok." Merlin smiled gently down at her, as they walked into the courtyard. It was busy with people decorating it for the wedding. As it was summer, some of the celebrations were to be held outside, like the dancing. Flowers were hanging from every window and there were different coloured banners everywhere. A few people nodded at Merlin as they walked past, and Merlin noticed a few smiles as well, directed towards them.

"Rumours are going to begin to spread." He chuckled lightly so only Eleanor could hear. Her eyes went to their entangled arms and she made to step away. Merlin reached over and took her hand to hold her in place though.

"Let them spread." He smiled, "Arthur and Katherine will have something to be jealous of then."

Eleanor smiled at the irony of it and kept her arm were it was.

They reached the water fountain and Merlin helped her fill the bucket with water and then carried it for her.

They walked back to their chambers, arm in arm again.

"Thank you." Eleanor said as they reached their corridor.

"You are welcome, M'Lady." Merlin smiled, bowing his head and kissing her hand softly before letting it go. She blushed deeply. She disappeared into Katherine's chambers, leaving Merlin chuckling softly.

* * *

><p>The next day Merlin got Arthur dress and ready for the wedding. The room was quiet as Merlin put on his cloak and did the clasp up. Tears were falling down Merlin's face without him even realising. He felt a warm hand on his cheek and looked up to see Arthur looking at him, his eyes shining as well. He cupped Merlin's face and leant his forehead against Merlin's, taking a deep breath.<p>

"I'm sorry." Arthur told him, his voice small.

"It's ok." Merlin whispered, reaching up and wiping a tear away that had fallen down the King's cheek, "We're still together."

He leant forward and captured Arthur's lips with his. Arthur moved one of his hands to the back of Merlin's neck, bringing him closer as a sob escaped his lips into the kiss. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut at the sound, no wanting to break down anymore then he already was.

There was a knock on the door, and Merlin stepped back. Arthur just looked at him with sad eyes as he kept on holding onto Merlin's face and neck.

"One day." Arthur whispered.

"In another lifetime." Merlin said, a weak smile on his face. Arthur stepped closer to him and kissed his forehead tenderly before letting go of him and answered the door with a chocked,

"Come in."

Thomas came in. He looked nervous as he looked in between Merlin and Arthur and said,

"It's time, Your Majesty."

Arthur nodded, and rubbed his face to get rid of the tear trails. He found he couldn't look at Merlin as he walked out of the room to head to the throne room where the ceremony was taking place. Merlin followed slowly behind, walking behind even Thomas who turned back a couple of times to look at him nervously. Merlin was finding it hard to breathe as they got nearer to the throne room. All he wanted to do was grab Arthur's hand and run away. They could disappear to a far away kingdom where no one knew them. They could buy some land and have a farm, and then have babies and no one will judge them or restrict them. It would just be them and their children, and some chickens and pigs.

But as Merlin looked at Arthur's back, his shoulders held straight and proud, Merlin knew it was impossible. Camelot needed Arthur. He was the greatest king they have had since the age of the fallen kings. He was going to lead them to a new age where the five kingdoms were united. The people of Albion needed him and Merlin couldn't be selfish enough to take him away.

A loud cheer erupted as Arthur entered the throne room. He acted the part and smiled and waved, saying his thanks to the people who were congratulating him. Merlin knew he was supposed to smile as he walked in behind him but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He slipped into his space next to Leon at the front of the hall. Arthur stood in front in the middle, facing the wall. He still couldn't bring himself to look at Merlin and Merlin knew why.

On look could change everything.

Merlin didn't notice that, while most people in the room seemed happy and were cheering on the King and whispering excitable among themselves, the head knight and his four companions, along with Gwen, Thomas and Gaius, looked grimly between the King and the Archmerge. They knew a heavy weight was on both their shoulders and they were sad for their friends.

The hall went quiet as the bride walked in. Everyone looked at her, expect Merlin, who was staring at Arthur, his mind blank. Arthur looked at Princess Katherine in her white, long grown and her princess crown on her head. She hid her sadness well, as did Arthur; the born actors that they were. Arthur looked at Merlin for a split second as Katherine came up the aisle, and Merlin managed to see right through it. Arthur's blue eyes betrayed him but only to Merlin.

Katherine got to the front and Arthur greeted her with a smile and they moved so they were standing facing each other.

"We are gathered here today." Geoffrey announced as the two royals stood facing each other "to join these two people in holy matrimony."

Merlin swayed on the spot slightly, blinking back tears as he watched. He was never a good actor, like Arthur. He always wore his emotions on his sleeve, and now Merlin was thinking that he shouldn't have come to the ceremony. He knew that Eleanor hadn't. It wasn't really an option for him though. As Archmerge and Arthur's best friend to everyone else he had to come.

He felt a hand wrap around his wrist as Geoffrey continued to speak. The warlock tore his eyes away from the front and looked behind him to Lancelot, who had grabbed his wrist as he noticed Merlin swaying. His eyes were soft, as were Gwen's who was standing next to him. They looked at him with sadness in their eyes. They saw his pain and this was the only way they could comfort him right now. Leon part a hand on his shoulder as the service went on and Merlin closed his eyes briefly as he felt himself steady against the hold. One hand on his shoulder and another around his wrist. Two hands, two friends, holding him in place and keeping him from breaking down.

The service ended without him noticing. All he heard was Geoffrey closing his bible and saying with joy in his voice,

"You may kiss the bride, Your Majesty."

Arthur leant forward and captured Katherine's lips in a quick kiss. It was a very short kiss, but it was like a slap in Merlin's face. He bit his lip, determined to not cry. Not here in front of everyone.

As they broke apart, the room remained quiet and everyone turned to look at Merlin. He felt numb and confused, and then he realised why. He was suppose to step forward and cast a spell so confetti fell down on the couple and then everyone would cheer and awe at the magic. He did it at everyone's weddings, including at Gwen and Lancelot's last year.

Merlin licked his lips before putting on the best smile he could. It was weak and it didn't reach his eyes but it fooled the people that mattered. He took a step forward, away from Leon and Lancelot's hold, and raised his hands up. A loud bang filled the room and red and gold confetti erupted from invisible cannons and fell upon the newlywed couple.

A cheer filled the room, and Arthur took Katherine's hand in his and spoke to the hall.

"Let the celebrations begin." He announced, but his voice wasn't filled with his usually cheerfulness when announcing celebrations. There seemed to be something missing that not even his brilliant acting could hide.

People come to the front to congratulating them, and Merlin slipped away, not looking at the two. He couldn't bare the sight anymore.

He was expected at the feast later, but Merlin missed all the dancing and performances that were arranged for the royal wife and husband. Merlin hid away in Gaius's chambers. He felt safe there as he sat up in the balcony in the room. He sat with his chin resting on the wooden guard, his legs dangling over the side. He thought back to a simpler time where this room was his home. When he was just a servant and he didn't have to worry about love. A time before his body turned dirty and his dreams were full of nightmares. A time when the only thing that caused him pain was hiding his magic.

Things had got better since then. But some things had also become so much worse. And seeing the only person that he truly loves marry someone else was one of them. Not being able to give Arthur the things he needed hurt and it felt like his heart was breaking in two.

As he sat there, Merlin slowly rubbed his stomach in small circles. He knew what he had to do, even if Arthur didn't want him to. The only way he was every really going to be a true value to Arthur was to give him an heir. Merlin closed his eyes, still rubbing his stomach. He imagined a little girl, with Arthur's blond locks and sky blue eyes. He smiled as he imagined sitting in bed with Arthur and their little girl in-between them and telling her stories of dragons and fairies and knights. Merlin smiled at the image and laughed a little with how happy the thought made him.

He opened his eyes with a sigh as a bell rang outside. It meant that the feast was ready and everyone was being summoned to the hall to eat. He stopped rubbing his stomach and got up, stretching the muscles that ached from sitting down too long. He couldn't help but smile slightly as he walked out of the door and through the corridors. He imagined children running around, playing through the halls, using magic freely as they would be able to do now.

The smile didn't last long though as he got into the hall and sat down next to Arthur at the head table. Beside Arthur was Katherine and they were still acting the part perfectly, chatting and making conversation with the people around them; all the while keep their hands entwined on the table.

"Hey." Arthur said softly as Merlin sat down. Merlin looked to him and could see that his eyes seemed duller than usual. He knew that this day was beginning to get to him. Merlin knew that he was seeking comfort. What Merlin really wanted to do was kiss the pain away and take his hand and led the way back to their chambers, where they would lie in each other's arms until sleep claimed them.

Merlin couldn't do that though and he knew that. So instead he gave Arthur a smile. It was a true smile as he thought back to the daydreams he had been having about their future children. His eyes shone in happiness and he put a hand on his lover's shoulder, in a firm and supportive manner.

"Hey." He answered back and that was all the King needed. He smiled back, gratitude written all over his face. They shared a moment where it was just them and everything else was blocked out. It took all Merlin's willpower to not lean forward and kiss Arthur, and by the way the King kept looking at his lips, Merlin knew he was feeling the same.

The moment was broken though as the food started to come in and Arthur was expected to stand up and make a speech. Merlin gave Arthur's shoulder a quick squeeze as he felt him deflate in front of him with a deep sigh. Arthur stood up and looked around his court, his fake and well rehearsed smile on his face.

"Today has been such a wondrous day." Arthur told the room, "And thank you so much to everyone who played part in decorating and cooking and just making everything so prefect." As he said this he gestured to the servants who were around the room, standing to attention to get anything anyone asked. Merlin saw some of them smile at the thank you. For a king to thank the servants was a rarity.

"I just wanted to say." Arthur continued, turning to look at Katherine, "I am so happy that I married you and I can't think of anything woman I would want to be my Queen."

Katherine smiled at him, nodding her thanks. Merlin sighed, but kept up his appearance and smiled at the speech.

"I know that we will spend many happy years together and you will ruin beside me as a fair and just queen."

Arthur then held up his goblet and said in a loud voice,

"Long live the Queen."

The rest of the court, including Merlin, stood up and raised their goblets and cheered.

"Long live the Queen."

Merlin sighed again and looked down at his goblet of wine. He downed it without really thinking and sat back down. He started to bit the inside of his mouth, feeling the familiar signs of depression settling in around him. He was depressed for a very long time after what had happened to him but in recent years he had got better. However, he recognised the feeling biting at his veins once again.

He was silent during the feast, not talking to Arthur who was caught up in many conversations at once. Merlin just poked at his food and smiled when he was suppose to and added half-hearted comments when needed, but his mind was elsewhere.

Once the food had been taken away and people were just drinking and talking merrily, Gwaine come over to Merlin and whispered in his ear.

"You look like you need a drink, my friend."

Merlin didn't say anything and didn't protest as Gwaine gently grabbed hold of his arm and dragged him up and away from the hall. He kept his head low as his best friend took him through the castle and to the Knights' chambers. The chambers consisted of a room for each knight and then a large dinner area where they eat, socialise and drank when they're not at the tavern. The room was empty as all the knights were up at the feast.

"Here." Gwaine said, sitting Merlin down at a table and handing him a large goblet of mead. Merlin still didn't say anything but took the goblet with a slight nod and began to drink from it.

"He is such a bastard." Gwaine muttered as he sat down opposite Merlin and took a swig from his own cup. Merlin could tell that he was already quite drunk and had probably being joining in with all the festive all day and been drinking as he did so.

"Who?" Merlin asked, slightly confused in his already alcohol blurred state. He had never been good with alcohol. When he was younger he never drunk it because he never knew what it would do to his magic. As he got older he never really found a need to drink. He was also scared about how it would affect his mind. Would it make it darker than it already was? But tonight the need was there. He wanted the liquid to make him forget everything.

"Arthur." Gwaine growled, his lips still on his cup's rim, "I can't believe he would do that to you."

Merlin sighed and shook his head.

"It's more complicated than that." He whispered, taking a slow sip of his drink. It was sweet like honey, and it was easy to forget he wasn't drinking alcohol when it was bitter or stinging his throat.

"He doesn't want to be married." Merlin told Gwaine, not looking at him but looking at his goblet, taking interested in the smooth metal surface, "He has to get married though, he is King, it is his responsibility."

"He is still a bastard and nothing you say will change that." Gwaine told him, his eyes soft as he looked at his best friend, "He has hurt you."

Merlin didn't look up but sighed again.

"It isn't his fault."

Gwaine just continued to grumble about Arthur and Merlin stared at his cup, taking huge mouthfuls every now and again. Gwaine wasn't making a lot of sense so Merlin just ignored him and within twenty minutes the Knight's head was on the table and he was snoring lightly.

Tears prickled in Merlin's eyes as he drunk from his cup again. He felt lightheaded but he knew he hadn't drunk enough to forget about everything. He would have to drink a whole barrel to achieve that.

He didn't know how long he sat there, silently cry and staring at the cool liquids move slowly around his goblet, but he heard the festives around the castle quicken down gradually. He heard the door open and some people come up behind him.

"Right." Leon sighed, looking between him and the passed out Gwaine, "Perc and Elyan, get Gwaine back to his chambers and make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit again."

Merlin still didn't look up as he saw out the corner of his eye the two Knights grab an arm of Gwaine's each and drag him up and out of the room. He felt a hand on his shoulder and it felt warm and reassuring. It just made a sob escape his throat and the tears to fall harder.

"Come on, Merlin." He heard Lancelot say and he felt a gentle hand on each of his elbows and he was pulled up.

Leon and Lancelot led Merlin back through the castle and he found himself leaning heavily on Lancelot, unable to trust his feet to keep him upright anymore. He was still crying softly, but not making a sound. He felt too weak. Too tired.

They arrived outside Arthur's chambers without Merlin even realising it and Leon knocked. Arthur answered a few moments later, holding his head up high but Merlin could see through that straight away. His eyes were red and there were dry tear tracks on his cheeks.

Without even thinking about it Merlin stepped away from the Knight's hands and into Arthur's arms. He wrapped his arms around the King's back and buried his face into his neck, softly kissing the skin there.

Arthur was surprised and looked up at his Knights; his friends. Leon gave him a small nod in understanding and Lancelot smiled kindly. Arthur licked his lips before wrapping his arms around Merlin, his shoulders slouching slightly as he saw the understanding and acceptance in his men's eyes.

"Night." Leon said quietly before him and Lancelot turned around and walked away.

Arthur brought Merlin into the room and shut the door. As soon as they were in there Merlin leant up and took Arthur's lips desperately in his. Arthur kissed back just as desperately and tears were on his cheeks again as he clutched Merlin close to him.

They made it to the bed without realising it and they fell down on it, both of them crying and holding each other tightly. There was no need for words as they hid themselves in each other's embrace. There was no need for 'sorrys' or 'it's ok' because they both knew what they other wanted to say.

All they needed was each other and even though the world didn't know about their love, they knew and that is all that mattered.

They fell asleep with each other's name on their lips and still holding each other so closely it was hard to see where one ended and the other began.

**Did you like? If so please review. I just wanted to show in this chapter the Knights accepting Merlin and Arthur's relationship and still being loyal to them. Did it work?**


	8. Chapter 8

Of course, Merlin disobeyed Arthur's order. Merlin had always done what he thought was best and now was no different. Arthur needed an heir. He didn't want to have one with Katherine though, and Merlin felt sick just thinking about that, so this was the last option.

The spell consisted of taking four potions while chanting. Each potion had to been taken on the same day each week for a month. One potion per week for a month. It was as simple as that. Part from making the potions took months to do and ages to find the ingredients. And they had nasty side effects.

The book gave it as a caution and said that if the spell marker took anything to ease the side effects of the first three potions, magic or not, then the spell would instantly fail and couldn't be tried again.

Merlin didn't care about the side effects though. He didn't care how much it would hurt or how he would feel. All he wanted to do was to be able to produce the heir that Arthur needed and deserved.

So Merlin took the first potion.

He didn't feel bad or unwell when he took it. In fact he felt great, like he was on top of the world. His mind felt light and free and he couldn't stop smiling. He went about the day in this good mood until just about lunch time, when Gwen came in to see how he was doing.

"Merlin! Your desk!" She scolded as she looked at the papers and books scattered about the wooden surface. To any normal person it would have looked a mess but at least Merlin knew where everything was. It never took him long to find what he needed in the disorganised chaos.

"I've never known anyone as messy as you." Gwen told him, picking up some papers. Merlin panicked as she did and snatched them from her.

"Don't mess with my things Gwen!" He snapped, putting the papers back where they had been. Gwen looked confused as Merlin never snapped or raised his voice. This was defiantly a first.

"I was just trying to help." Gwen told him, crossing her arms and looking at him.

"Well, I don't need your help." Merlin said sourly, "You're such a busy body, Gwen, you never knew when to keep your nose out of things!"

Gwen's look of confusion turned to one of hurt and Merlin realised he had done something wrong. He was shocked at what had come out of his mouth and tears began to form in his eyes as his anger washed away and was replaced with guilt.

"I'm so sorry." He said quietly, bowing his head, "I don't know what came over me, I am so sorry, Gwen."

Gwen looked confused again and unfolded her arms. A look of pity came over her face and she stepped forward and placed her hand on Merlin's arm.

"It's ok." Gwen told him, sincerely, "I know what stress you must be under at the moment."

"It doesn't excuse what I have just done." Merlin told her, wiping his eyes, "Please forgive me."

"Of course, Merlin." Gwen smiled and then changed the subject to try and ease the situation.

Despite Gwen's forgiveness Merlin felt guilty as he had lunch with her, Eleanor and Katherine and was quiet while the three women chatted. He excused himself early and made his way through the castle.

He felt strange now. He was happy one moment as he watched two young boys spar with wooden swords, but then he felt sad the next as he remembered Will and him playing as boys. He felt angry, then guilt wretched at his heart, and then happy again as a friendly dog came running up to him.

It was like his mind couldn't figure out what he was supposed to feel and it was confusing him. He had never experienced mood swings this rapid before.

The bells of the castle rang out suddenly, telling the people of Camelot that the King and Knights were back from their patrol and that they brought sad news. Merlin began to panic as he ran through the castle and to the court yard, where he could see the warriors trotting in on their horses. A quick head count confirmed that they were all alive and Merlin ran down to Arthur as he jumped off his horse. He looked grim but unharmed.

"What happened?" Merlin asked, stopping in front of him. A wave of relief went through him but was quickly replaced by fear. Arthur sighed and pointed to two men that were being dragged into the courtyard by a bit of rope that was tied around their hands. Percival was holding the end of it and he looked angrily at the two men. A carriage was then pulled in by two men. The contents of the carriage was hidden by a white sheet by Merlin could tell that they were bodies straight away.

"They killed a family of sorcerers." Arthur told him in a whisper. Merlin's eyes grew large as tears formed in them.

_Why?_ Was all that he could think. He thought that they had past these dark days were people were killed for processing magic. But apparently not.

"Come." Arthur sighed, placing a warm hand on his shoulder. The King signalled for the Knights to follow them and to bring the prisoners.

They walked through the castle to the throne room, where Arthur would address the men. Merlin walked by Arthur's side but barely noticed his presence as he was too caught up in the darkness that was processing his mind. He felt angry and sad and guilty all at once.

They arrived in the hall and the men were shoved roughly to their knees in front of Merlin and Arthur. Merlin glared at them as anger won over the rest of his emotions. These men looked afraid but not as much as they should be. They also seemed smug and one grinned at Merlin cruelly. It took all of the Warlock's willpower to not kick him hard in the stomach.

"You two are been accused of murdering three people, one of which was a child." Arthur told them. Merlin felt his stomach knot as he heard this. A child. It was all so wrong.

"How do you plead?" Arthur asked.

"Guilty." One man spat, "And I am not ashamed to admit it, dirty bloody sorcerers deserved to die."

Merlin took a step forward as he said this, anger boiling in his veins, but Arthur held him back, shaking his head.

"Sire." Came a voice from the door. Leon came in with a young boy who was wearing dirty clothes and was shaking.

"This is the witness."

"Traitor!" One of the men yelled at the boy, who shook even harder and hid behind Leon.

"Silence!" Merlin yelled, shocking the whole court. He never raised his voice. He swept his hand through the air and his eyes glowed gold. A look of terror fell upon both the men, who looked like they were yelling but no noise were coming from them.

"What did you do?" Arthur asked, concerned.

"All I did was silence them." Merlin reassured him, glaring at the two men in front of him. Arthur just nodded, but still looked shocked at the look of fury in his lover's eyes.

"Come forward." Arthur told the boy, beckoning him over. The boy obeyed, his head low.

"Can you tell me what happened?" The King asked gentle. The boy rubbed his hands together nervously and spoke, still looking at the floor.

"Tis' is my uncle, Sire, and I was travelling with them through the forest." He started, "We were hunting so they had cross bows, and we came across the family who were sitting near a lake, and they were using magic, my uncle and his friend attacked them and killed them, I got scared and ran for help and that's when I saw you, Sire."

"And you swear this is the truth?" Arthur asked. The boy nodded, looking up into the King's eyes. He was still shaking head to foot and refused to look at the two men who were both glaring at him.

"Eylan, take this boy to the kitchen and get him some food." Arthur said, turning back to the killers. The boy was escorted from the room and every eye was on the two men.

"How old was the child?" Merlin asked, feeling sadness fill him now. Arthur hesitated, glaring at the two men in front of him. It looked like he felt sick.

"Just a toddler, a little girl." He finally answered and Merlin felt like he was going to collapse.

"Was she using magic?" He asked.

"We got there too late, they were all already dead." Arthur replied, clutching his fists tightly. Merlin took the charm off the men and one laughed.

"She was the only one." He spat, "Dirty brat."

Merlin eyes went wide as he realised who the family was. The mother had written to him to tell him about her little daughter, who was just two and already using magic. No one in their family had ever used magic before and they were asking for help to how to deal with it. Merlin had told them to travel to Camelot so he could see the child and also help out the parents. They were a young couple, only just married and this was their first child. He bit his lip as he remembered the name of the little girl.

"Elizabeth." He mumbled before rage took over his body and he flung himself at one of the men, punching and kicking.

"How could you!" He yelled as the man underneath him tried to fight back. It was impossible though as he was tied up. Merlin punched him repeatable, his punches getting harder and harder, until he felt strong arms pull him back.

"Stop it, Merlin." Arthur yelled as the Warlock tired to pull away from his grip, "This isn't helping."

"They deserve to die! She was a child! A baby! She had never done anything wrong! They should burn for what they have done!" Merlin roared, tears pouring down his cheeks.

"They need to be tried first." Arthur told him, pulling him back so hard that they fell to the floor, with Merlin against Arthur's chest.

"It's not fair." Merlin cried, defeated.

"Take them away, they will be tried in the morning." Arthur ordered. Leon nodded and he and Percival each took a prisoner, one who was bleeding very badly.

"Leave us." Arthur ordered the rest of the shocked court. They all obeyed and left without question.

"I am sorry." Merlin cried, thinking that he had just made Arthur regret his decision to make him Archemege.

"That was most unlike you, Merlin." Arthur said, concern in his tone, "What is wrong?"

Merlin turned his body so he was crying against Arthur's chest.

"It's just so unfair." He sobbed.

"I know." Arthur sighed, leaning his head down so he was touching Merlin's forehead with his. As soon as he made contact, Arthur flinched back, frowning. He replaced his forehead with his hand.

"You have a really high temperature." Arthur told him, moving his hand to Merlin's cheek. Merlin felt too numb to say anything and just stayed resting against Arthur, his tears decreased slightly.

"Let's take you upstairs and get you to bed." Arthur sighed, "You obviously not feeling well, I'll get Gaius to give you something."

"No!" Merlin said, sitting up straight. Arthur blinked, confused at the answer.

"I'm fine." Merlin reassured him, "I think I just need to sleep it off."

"Ok." Arthur replied, leaning forward and kissing Merlin's cheek, "Let's get you to bed then."

The next day Merlin felt fine. He had a clear head now and his emotions seemed to settle. Arthur refused to let him to trial though but was happy to hear that the killers had received the death sentence for their actions. The boy, who it turned out was an orphan and his uncle was his only family, was adopted by a family in the lower town. The boy told them that his uncle used to beat him but he was happy with his new family.

Merlin, instead of going to the trial, buried the family in the forest just outside the city. Merlin remembered the mother saying how Elizabeth used to make daisies out of thin air because it was her favourite flower, so he decorated their grave in hundreds of daises to honour that memory.

* * *

><p>The second potion gave Merlin terrible pain. It felt like his stomach was going to explode with pain as cramp after cramp crippled him. He tried to act normal and go about his day as best as he could but by lunch time it was unbearable.<p>

He was having lunch with Arthur, Katherine and Eleanor when a particular bad cramp occurred. He hadn't really been eating his food and had been very quiet, trying not to cry out as pain seemed to envelop him. But his body seemed to be angry with him for not reacting to the pain and a very sudden wave of pain went through him, like a shock. He dropped his fork as he yelled out and doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach.

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped, shocked and worried. He stood up, going to Merlin's side and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Merlin, what's wrong?" He asked, bending down.

"It's...fine." Merlin cried, his muscles spasming as another wave of pain went through him.

"Get Gaius." Arthur called out.

"No." Merlin cried, "I'm...fine."

"You are not fine Merlin!" Arthur told him.

"I don't need Gaius." Merlin said firmly, forcing himself to straighten up and smile at Arthur. It didn't work though as tears were rolling down his cheeks and he was still holding his stomach tightly.

"Just help me to my chambers." Merlin requested, reaching up and grabbing Arthur's arm. He gripped it tightly as pain seeped through him again but Arthur didn't care. He leant down and pulled Merlin's arm around his neck so he could help him up. It was difficult leading Merlin back to his chambers as his body was still bent double with pain. They got there though and Arthur gentle put him down on the bed, where the Warlock quickly rolled onto his side, curling his body tightly together to try and reduce the pain.

Arthur pulled Merlin's boots off and tugged a blanket over his shaking form.

"You've got a fever." Arthur said, touching his forehead.

"I'm fine." Merlin said again, closing his eyes and leaning into Arthur's touch. The King pulled his boots off as well and took off his jacket and put it on a chair, before climbing in the bed next to him. Merlin quickly curled closer to him, seeking his body heat. He buried his head in Arthur's chest.

"What's wrong with you?" Arthur wondered quietly, stroking Merlin's hair off his forehead.

"Maybe I ate something bad." Merlin offered.

"You should let Gaius see to you." Arthur told him, a very worried look on his face.

"I'm fine, I just need to sleep it off." Merlin mumbled tiredly as he tried to push his knees to his chest. He decided that the tighter his body was then maybe the less pain there would be.

"Please stay with me." Merlin mumbled. Arthur's body heat was actually helping and he didn't want to be alone.

"Ok." Arthur said, stroking his back in what he hoped was comforting circles.

Arthur ordered that no one disturb them unless it is an emergency and they laid in bed all day. Sometimes Merlin felt the pain get better and he was able to snooze for a little bit, but sometimes it was so bad he was left crying and biting so hard on his lip it bleed. The only relief he got was when Eleanor came in with a bowl of hot soup and fresh bread and the warm liquid filled him like liquid gold. It warmed his stomach and eased the pain for a little while.

Sleep didn't come easy that night. Arthur fell asleep with his chest against Merlin's back, his arms wrapped protectively around Merlin. He had been worried all day and even looked a little pale, Merlin noticed as he looked behind at Arthur's face.

"You shouldn't worry so much." Merlin mumbled, turning over slightly and stroking a strand of hair out of Arthur's eyes.

"It's my job." Arthur mumbled back, surprising Merlin. He smiled though.

"I thought you were asleep." Merlin said, running a hand through the golden locks.

"No." Arthur mumbled, nuzzling his face into Merlin's neck. He moved his hands down so they were resting against Merlin's stomach. Merlin gasped.

"Sorry!" Arthur said, his eyes flying opening and his hands pulling away quickly.

"No." Merlin said, reaching out to take Arthur's hands and put them over his stomach again, "Your hands are so warm, it's nice."

Arthur smiled and leant back down, closing his eyes and burying his face into Merlin's neck again. He rubbed Merlin's stomach slowly and Merlin sighed contently. He fell asleep thinking how it would feel with his stomach swelled with the gift of life and Arthur slowly rubbing it, his eyes shiny with happiness.

* * *

><p>The third one was the strangest in Merlin's opinion. He didn't feel anything at first and he thought that the spell had given him a well deserved break. He sat at his desk, which was his favourite place in the morning because it overlooked the Knight's practice field so he could see Arthur train.<p>

Most of the morning he worked consistently, head buried in research papers and reports. It's when he took a brief break to stretch his neck and he spotted Arthur sparring with Gwaine that the problems began.

He felt an itch growing from deep within him as he watched Arthur training. He bit his lip as he imagined Arthur's strong hands on his body and wave of pleasure went through him, causing a moan to escape his lip.

Merlin was surprised to find himself quite aroused and he looked around, panicked, as he realised that his trousers were bulging. His body hadn't involuntary reacted like this since he was a very young adult. He hadn't been a sexual person in a very long time. Of course he enjoyed the time he spent with Arthur but it was more about the meaning behind it rather than the act itself. Even now, so many years after what had happened, Merlin still found it hard to do some sexual stuff. Like Arthur topping him. It was still him that did all the topping. It freaked him out just thinking about it.

Merlin tried to ignore the feeling but it grew too strong and he found himself despite for a release. He paced the room until Knights training was over and Arthur came up to the chambers. Before the King could even say hello, Merlin had him up against the door, kissing him desperately.

Arthur was taken aback for a moment, but he kissed back, wrapping his arms around Merlin and pulling him closer. Merlin bucked his hips, rubbing against Arthur. The blonde haired man gasped at the shock of his lover's arousal and pushed his tongue into Merlin's mouth, moaning sweetly. Merlin could taste the sweat on Arthur's lips and could feel him getting harder through his trousers. Merlin bucked again and started to pull at Arthur's red shirt, tugging it over his head.

"What's gotten into you?" Arthur asked as their lips separated. He started pulling at Merlin's shirt, kissing his neck as he did so.

"I just really want you right now." Merlin moaned, running his hands up Arthur's back and into his hair as Arthur bite Merlin's skin. Merlin's hands went to Arthur's breeches and he struggled to undo them as his mind was a haze of pleasure and excitement. Merlin had never felt this need before, never.

The trousers came off and Arthur was naked. Merlin's breathing quickened and he licked his lips before leaning forward and claiming Arthur's lips with his. He felt Arthur's hands at his waist, pulling his trousers down. He kicked them off and then dragged Arthur to the bed, pushing him down and saddling him. Merlin groaned as their cocks rubbed together and Arthur's back arched in pleasure.

Merlin turned around, still saddling Arthur, and leant down to take his cock in his mouth.

"Merlin." Arthur moaned, gripping Merlin's thighs tightly. Merlin soon felt wetness against his own cock as Arthur took him. He moaned in pleasure, humming against Arthur's skin. Merlin kept on sucking and licking, mouth in his steady rhythms as Arthur did the same with him. It felt so good and Merlin didn't want it to end. He sucked hard at Arthur's end as he felt Arthur reach up and grip his arse.

Something in the back of Merlin's mind began to stir but he ignored it as he quickened the pace, slamming his mouth down Arthur's cock so he could feel him in the back of his throat. Arthur was breathing heavily as he licked Merlin and the room was filled with their gasps and moans.

Arthur got more daring, gripping Merlin tighter and then he very slowly rubbed his thumb over Merlin's entrance.

As soon as he touched the sensitive bit of skin, Merlin launched forward, their cocks forced out of each other's mouths. Merlin hit his head on the end of the bed frame and fell out of the bed, shaking.

"Merlin, I-" Arthur started, sitting up, but the Warlock was panicking and edging away from Arthur, his eyes wide and fearful. Arthur cursed his stupidity as he recognised the signs of one of Merlin's flashbacks. He quickly pulled his trousers on and went to kneel beside Merlin, who was backed up in a corner, shivering and mumbling to himself.

"So stupid... so stupid... it's never going to work... so useless... need it to work... it needs to work... so useless... so useless." He muttering to himself. Arthur noticed his eyes were gold and he tried to reach out to him but was stupid by an invisible barrier.

"So useless...need to do it... got to do it... it's the only way...so useless." Merlin kept on muttering, not making any sense at all.

"Merlin." Arthur said softly, unsure on wither he could hear him or not.

"Merlin, let me in." Arthur whispered. Apparently Merlin could hear him because he looked up, his eyes red and wide. His eyes turned back to their blue colour and Arthur reached out to him, able to touch him this time. He put a gentle hand on his shoulder, knowing that Merlin probably didn't want to be touched that much after a flashback.

"I'm sorry." Merlin suddenly said, tears bursting from his eyes.

"I am the one that should be sorry." Arthur told him, "I went too far."

"No." Merlin cried, "I want you to do it...it's just my mind rejects it."

A drop of blood suddenly fell from Merlin's hairline and onto his face, causing Arthur to frown. He leant forward, bending Merlin's head forward. There was a cut on his head from where he had hit his head on the bed frame. It didn't look that bad but the blood made it seem worse. And also the fact that Merlin's skin was boiling.

"Let me get a cloth." Arthur mumbled, standing up and walking over to the cupboard where he got a cloth and a pair of trousers for Merlin. Merlin put them on and Arthur held the cloth against his head to clean the blood away.

"You're not useless." Arthur told him quietly, "You are the greatest man that I have ever met."

Merlin was quiet and his skin was unusually pale even for him. He didn't say anything but leaned into Arthur so he against his chest.

"Have you tried doing it to yourself?" Arthur asked and got great pleasure from seeing Merlin blush from head to foot. At least he wasn't pale anymore.

"N...No." Merlin told him.

"Maybe it would help." Arthur told him, rubbing small circles on his back. A sob broke free from Merlin's mouth and he turned his face so it was completely hidden in Arthur's chest.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-" Arthur started, guilt running though him.

"No, no its not you." Merlin told him, "I just feel so useless."

"You're not-" Arthur said but Merlin interrupted him again.

"I really do want you to be inside me." Merlin told him, looking up. Arthur smiled weakly at him, wiping the tears away.

"I just don't know how."

"What if you were in completely control?" Arthur asked. Merlin thought about this.

"Maybe." He whispered. Arthur leant forward and kissed his forehead, frowning at his fever that seemed to have resurfaced again, and then stood up, bringing Merlin up with him.

He sat Merlin on the bed and sat down opposite him before reaching over to the draw next to the bed and taking out a bottle of oil.

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked, nervously.

"Do you trust me?" Arthur asked.

"Y...Yes." Merlin answered, looking at the bottle of oil. Arthur gave it to him.

"Do with it what you want." He told Merlin, "I will follow whatever you want me to do."

Merlin sat there for a moment, just looking between the oil and Arthur. He looked Arthur up and down and the King could see that the Warlock still had a bulge in his trousers. He could also see a very adorable pink blush settle across Merlin's cheeks and nose, making him smile slightly.

Merlin swallowed before saying,

"We should...should take our trousers off."

Arthur did just that, dropping on the floor next to Merlin's discarded ones. They both sat there, crossed legged, naked and looking at each other. Merlin still had that cute blush across his face and Arthur smiled at him, reassuring him that everything was going to be ok.

Merlin took a deep breath before leaning forward and pulling Arthur's hand towards him. He kissed each finger softly before opening the bottle and pouring it over Arthur's palm. Merlin rubbed the oil across each finger and then moved closer to Arthur so he was nearly sitting in his lap. He slowly guided Arthur's hand down to his lap and against his entrance. Arthur could feel let his lover was shaking slightly and he wrapped his free hand around Merlin's waist, bringing him closer so they were kissing.

"Just keep looking at me." Arthur whispered to him, "Don't close your eyes."

Merlin nodded and then pressed Arthur's finger against his entrance, a small gasp escaping his mouth as he did so. He pushed it further so the tip was past the first ring of muscle. Arthur moaned slightly with how tight Merlin was, while the Warlock started to breathe heavier, looking into Arthur's blue eyes. He pushed deeper, so Arthur's finger was buried deep within him. He moaned as Arthur's finger hit the spot at the back.

"What do you want me to do?" Arthur whispered on Merlin's lips. Merlin didn't speak for a moment, but moved his hand so he was gripping Arthur's wrist, given Arthur slightly more control. He kept looking at Arthur, even though his eyes were half shut now as he leant his forehead against the blonde's.

Arthur was slightly nervous, even though he tried not to let it show. He was nervous because he had never done this before, expect on himself but that hardly counted. He wasn't sure what to do and also he was scared that Merlin might react badly at any second. He had tears in his eyes but the dark haired man didn't let them fall as he kept his blue eyes set on Arthur's.

"Move...move...your finger in a small circle." Merlin mumbled and Arthur was glad to hear that his voice was laced with desire instead of fear and pain. Arthur obeyed, feeling the hard spot where he knew Merlin meant and slowly started to rub him there. Merlin gasped again and closed his eyes as a wave of pleasure over took him. He had never felt anything like this before.

"Keep your eyes open." Arthur said, concerned that with his eyes closed, Merlin might see images he didn't want to see. Merlin's eyes opened and they were shiny gold. This worried Arthur for a moment as when Merlin performed magic during sex he was normally scared and trying to defend himself. It was rare but it had happened on occasion. However, Arthur didn't feel himself being thrown away from Merlin, but instead felt a pleasant warmth filling him.

"It feels good." Merlin mumbled, pulling Arthur closer to kiss him. It was a slow, gentle kiss, filled with love and trust. Arthur could feel it seeping through his veins. The warmth from the magic was telling him so. Merlin trusted him.

Merlin then started to rock his hips slightly, so Arthur's finger slowly went in and out. Arthur moaned as he realised that Merlin was practically fucking himself. It was so hot and he moaned as Merlin gentle touched his penis, rubbing his thumb over the tip.

"Add another finger." Merlin breathed, still kissing Arthur. He moaned as Arthur added his other finger, and Arthur scissored his digitals inside him. They stayed looking at each other and Merlin ran his free hand through Arthur's hair as he moved his hips in slow, cautious thrusts. He smiled at Arthur, tears in his golden eyes as he held their cocks together in his hand, rubbing them together in time with his thrusts. Arthur moaned deep in his throat and kissed Merlin's throat, biting the soft skin there.

The warmth was still filling him, growing more intense as they got closer to their release. Arthur could feel it building up as Merlin rubbed their members together in faster and faster strokes.

"Arth..ur." Merlin moaned in his hair, "I...I'm..."

"Merlin." Arthur moaned and looked up into his eyes, They came together, all over Merlin's hands and their stomachs. Arthur felt him tighten around his fingers and light erupted around them as Merlin lost control of his magic.

Arthur held him tight against him and gently took his fingers out of him. Merlin hissed slightly as he did so and Arthur felt tears on his shoulder. He looked up in a panic to see Merlin crying.

"I'm sorry." Arthur said, worrying now and feeling very stupid, "I shouldn't have...I thought it might have..."

"It's ok." Merlin smiled, his eyes shiny with happiness, "I did it, Arthur, I did it."

Arthur studied him for a moment before a slow smile spread across his own face. Arthur cupped Merlin's slightly sweaty face and kissed his forehead.

"Yes, you did Merlin." He said proudly and then wrapped him up in his arms. He felt Merlin smile against his shoulder and Arthur knew things were going to get better for them both.

* * *

><p>Merlin had timed this well, he thought as he watched the King and the Knights getting ready for a patrol from the window of his room. It was the day when Merlin had to take the last potion and they were going to be gone all day. Arthur caught him watching them and waved. Merlin smiled fondly and waved back. He just caught Arthur winking at him before he rode out of the courtyard, followed by his Knights.<p>

Merlin watched them go and once they had disappeared from view, he closed the shutters on his window and walked over to his desk where the last vile of potion was. He placed a hand on his stomach as he picked it up and smiled. He slowly rubbed his skin, he closed his eyes and imagined a small kick.

He took off the stopper on the vile and placed it to his lips. Not caring about the dangers or what might happen, Merlin took the potion.

It tasted sweet for a moment, something rare for a potion. They normally tasted horrible and bitter, but this one was different. It was like honey and apples. Merlin smiled as he licked the last drop out of the bottom. Nothing happened for a moment but then suddenly pain ran threw him. He dropped the vile as it felt like his insides had exploded. He bent doubled, clutching at his stomach. He forgot everything as the pain worsted and he clewed at his stomach at an attempt to rip open his stomach to try and stop the pain. It felt like something was crawling around inside him, cutting its way through organs and bones and muscle. Merlin wanted to get it out and ripped at his stomach. His fingernails caused long scratches to form on his skin as he tore open flesh. Blood poured down his body and through his fingertips as he made them deeper and deeper to try and get the creature that was crawling through his stomach out. Tears fell down his face as a scream rose from his chest and erupted through his mouth. He fell to his knees as the pain made him weak. He became aware of wetness around his thighs and realised his light trousers were red with blood that hadn't come from his stomach. His nose was also bleeding and his vision began to blur.

"No." He whispered, clutching his stomach, "No, it has to work." He cried. Darkness become to creep in then as the pain become too much. It filled every single inch of him, making him shake uncontrollable and for his skin to seem transparent with how pale he was. He had ever felt pain like this before and he felt for sure he was going to die.

He distantly felt his head hit the floor before everything turned black.

* * *

><p>Arthur smiled at the young stable boy who rushed up to take the ruins of his horse. No orders were needed as the boy gentle led the horse away and the King smiled at his Knights. It hadn't been a long patrol and they had got back before dinner. Arthur gave his men a nod before jogging up the steps of his castle. He was looking forward to seeing Merlin.<p>

He walked up to their chambers, trying not to jump the stairs in twos; it wouldn't do for the King to act like a child now. He hummed slightly as he went and smiled at the serving girls as they walked past. Camelot was famous for how well the servants were treated. They weren't treated badly before, but now it was different. There was more of a friendly atmosphere around the castle, and Arthur must admit that the work around the castle had improved greatly.

He got to the corridor where the three chambers laid; Arthur's chambers, Merlin's chambers and Katherine's, which people just thought held Katherine's dresses and processions, and where she went to do any work she needed to be done. In fact it was where Katherine and Eleanor slept and lived, but only a few people knew that. Arthur nodded to the guards that were always stationed at the end of the corridor as he walked past and went to Merlin's room, where he knew the Warlock would be doing work.

Arthur opened the door and the first thing that he noticed was that it was dark in the room. The shutters were closed over the windows and no candles were lit. The next thing that hit him was the strong smell of iron. The strong smell of blood.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, leaving the door open and walking into the room. Panic began to fill him. He knew the smell of wounds; he had been around enough. The strength of the smell made him believe that it was a lot. He crossed the room and then his heart stopped for a second.

Lying on the floor was Merlin, his skin unbelievable pale and a pool of blood around him. His shirt was yanked up around his chest and Arthur could see deep scratches all over his stomach, like he had been mauled by a beast.

"Merlin!" Arthur gasped, rushing to his side. He knelt down beside him, his blood running cold as Merlin was lying so still. Arthur felt his skin and noticed that he was still warm though. Incredible warm, like his skin was on fire.

"Merlin!" Arthur said again, feeling for a pulse. He touched Merlin's neck and found that his pulse was racing.

"Arthur?"

Arthur looked to Merlin's eyes as he heard the whisper. Merlin's eyes were slightly open, but enough that he could see sparkling blue orbs underneath the dark lashes.

"Merlin, what happened?" Arthur asked, gentle moving Merlin's head into his lap, and stroking back his hair off his forehead.

"I did it...Arthur...I did it." Merlin replied, smiling weakly. He looked so happy.

Realisation hit Arthur like a battling ram. He looked to Merlin's mutated stomach and shook his head.

"No, Merlin." He said, tears coming to his eyes. Merlin reached a bloody hand up slowly until it was resting on Arthur's cheek. Arthur could feel the wetness of the blood dropping down his cheek and settling on his skin.

"What have you done?" Arthur asked, his eyes looking at Merlin's.

"It's all going to be better now." Merlin whispered, before his hand dropped limply by his side and his eyes rolled back into his head.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled, putting his hand on Merlin's neck again. The pulse had stopped.

Merlin's heart had stopped.

"Merlin!" Arthur yelled again, shaking him to try and raise him. It was no good though as Merlin's whole body was limp and his head rolled backwards.

"Help!" Arthur yelled, "Someone help me!"

And he kept on yelling as the guards came and he felt hands pull him back so Gaius could look at Merlin.

Arthur kept yelling for Merlin to wake up because he couldn't be dead.

Merlin couldn't be dead.

**Omg! This chapter was really difficult to write. I've never really done a sex scene before, so I hope it was ok. And I know the ending is sad. **

**I will try and get the next chapter up soon. Please, please, please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur suddenly became aware that Gaius was in the room and kneeling next to Merlin.

"Save him!" Arthur yelled, but the old man didn't need telling. He was already trying to retrieve Merlin by pushing down on his chest and giving mouth to mouth.

"Come on Merlin!" Arthur yelled, tears in his eyes. He never cried, never, but he did now because he needed Merlin back. The King didn't notice that there were other people in the room with them to notice his tears though. He was faintly aware of one of the Guards holding him back but that was it. He didn't notice the other guard standing unsure by the door and Katherine standing beside him, her face white as she took in the scene.

"Wake up Merlin!" Arthur cried, watching Gaius hammer on the Warlock's chest. Arthur could see it in Gaius's eyes though. The hopelessness.

"Sire." The Physician said, his voice filled with sadness, "He's gone, Sire."

"NO!" Arthur screamed, pushing the person that was holding him back away, "No! You can't give up Gaius."

"I can't save an already dead man, Arthur!" Gaius said, looking up and away from his Ward. Tears were in his eyes.

"I won't give up." Arthur told him and lent forward. He raised his fist up and brought it down hard on Merlin's chest. A crack filled the room and Katherine made a small whimpering noise. Merlin's rib was broken but what was a little bit of pain compared to life?

Arthur did it again and again, blinded by his tears.

"Come on Merlin!" He yelled, "Wake up you fool!"

"Arthur!" Katherine said, and Gaius just looked at him with grief stricken eyes. He didn't try and stop the King.

"Wake up! Wake UP!" Arthur cried, and punched again.

And with that final punch, a rush of breath left Merlin's mouth and another was drawn back in.

"Merlin." Arthur said, relief filling him. He fell backwards as he watched Merlin breathing. Gaius looked at him in shock and didn't respond for a moment. Every eye was on Merlin, whose face were screwed up in pain but he was breathing!

"Take him down to my chambers now!" Gaius ordered, sense coming back to him. The Guards jumped to attention and started to place Merlin on a stretcher.

Arthur felt numb as he watched. His whole body was heaving with sobs and he was covered in blood.

"Arthur." Gaius said, looking at him as Merlin was carried away. Arthur didn't hear though as he watched his love disappear.

"Arthur!" Gaius said again and the King looked at him, shaking.

"What happened? Tell me what happened." Gaius asked. Arthur cleared his throat, as it felt thick with tears.

"On...on the desk...he tried that spell." Arthur said, "I don't know much else."

Gaius went to the desk and picked up the notes. An eyebrow raised and he looked shocked. He said no more though and took the notes, disappearing as well to tend to Merlin.

Arthur stared at the blood stains o the floor, seeing Merlin unmoving there even though he was now downstairs. Arthur had never felt this weak before. His whole body was shaking and his head was spinning with images. He felt Katherine kneel beside him and put an arm around his shoulders. He turned his head, hiding in the fabric of her dress.

"I nearly lost him." He said, the tears still thick on his words.

"I know." Katherine whispered.

"Why would he do that?" Arthur asked, more to himself. Katherine didn't know what 'that' was though so didn't answer.

But the question never left Arthur's mind.

* * *

><p>It took Merlin a while to figure out that he was staring at a ceiling. It took him even longer to figure out that he was staring at the ceiling in his chambers and that it was daylight. It laid there on his very comfortable bed and tried to work out why he was lying down during the day. He tried to move but his muscles didn't seem to want to work so he stayed still, trying to work it all out. He wondered where Arthur was and why he wasn't in here telling him off for being lazy. Some habits never change.<p>

As Merlin thought about Arthur, he started to remember what happened.

Viles and potions. Pain. A lot of pain. Something crawling inside him. Arthur yelling.

Merlin's hand slowly moved to his stomach, without him really thinking about it. He could feel bandages there underneath his shirt.

"Merlin?" A quiet, shy voice asked. Merlin turned his head slightly; slowly because he ached. Every part of him ached. His eyes met green ones and he was staring at Eleanor who was beside his bed.

"Merlin." She whispered, a breath of relief, "It's so good to see you awake."

Merlin tried to talk but his throat was too dry. Eleanor seemed to sense that and picked up a cup of water that was on the bedside table. She gentle lifted his neck up and brought the cup to his lips. Merlin drank a little bit; enough to wet his throat so he could speak.

"Did it work?" Was the first thing he asked, not caring if Eleanor knew or not. He needed to know. He needed to know if everything hadn't gone to waste.

"I...I'll go get Gaius." She answered, looking slightly scared, "He will come and talk to you."

"And Arthur!" Merlin begged, needing to see his lover. Eleanor nodded, and quickly left.

When she was gone, Merlin tried to move but he found that his whole body ached. From the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He moved his arms slowly but he was too weak to do anything. He sighed in frustration, feeling tired from just that. He could remember everything now and just wanted to know if it had worked or not.

He turned his head as the door opened and Gaius walked in, leaning heavily on his walking stick and looking very old.

"Merlin, my boy." He smiled, walking slowly over to him and sitting on the side of the bed, "You need to stop getting yourself into so much trouble."

"Did it work, Gaius?" Merlin asked, desperately. He knew Gaius would know what he was talking about. Arthur would have told him so he would have been able to help him. Merlin knew that, even though he had got all the potions right and he had nearly died, the spell could have still not worked. His body could have rejected the magic.

"Yes." Gaius answered, his eyebrow raised slightly in disapproval, "But you nearly died, Merlin, why would you want to go through such a thing?"

But Merlin could see in Gaius's eyes that he didn't need to answer. The old man could see the love between the two men. He probably saw it before they did. He didn't question it because he knew how strong they made each other.

Gaius sighed and put a hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"You need to rest." He told his Ward, "I have some pain medicine that I have been given you, I shall make some more and send it up."

Gaius then stood up and slowly walked out the door. Merlin followed him with his eyes, seeing the stress that was weighed upon the old man's shoulders. Merlin knew that seeing him like this would have worried Gaius greatly.

Gwen came in as Gaius left, holding a plate of just cooked bread and some tomato soup. She smiled as she saw Merlin awake and he smiled back weakly.

"Eleanor told me you were awake so I brought some food." She said, sitting down on the chair next to the bed, "I thought that you would be hungry after so long asleep."

"How long have I been asleep?" Merlin asked, watching her tear the bread into small pieces and soak it in the soup.

"About three weeks now." She said sadly. Merlin was shocked to hear this. It hadn't felt like such a long time. It seemed like only a few seconds.

"You were so ill, Merlin." Gwen told him, "But Gaius said that you would wake."

Merlin smiled at his mentor's faith but he also felt guilty as he watched Gwen concentrate on the food as to pretend to Merlin that there weren't tears in her eyes.

"You become sick so fast, it was so strange." Gwen said, "No one really knows what happened."

Merlin frowned at this. It made sense that Arthur didn't tell everyone what Merlin had done to get into such a state, but for some reason he thought Gwen might have known. She had been their friends for years. Eleanor definitely knew. Merlin saw it on her face. It felt strange for her to know but not Gwen. Merlin kept quiet though. Arthur would have his reasons.

"Where is Arthur?" Merlin asked. Gwen placed the soaked bread in his mouth and gave him a gentle look.

"In a meeting, but he has barely left your side." She told him, "He has been so worried about you, it's been really heartbreaking to watch him."

A stab of pain went through Merlin's heart to know how much he had worried Arthur. But he knew it was going to be worth it in the long run.

"I don't know what he would have done if you had died." Gwen sighed, placing some more bread into Merlin's mouth, "That first night when Gaius had to do surgery on you he was just pacing back and forth like a mad man."

"Surgery?" Merlin asked once he had swallowed his mouthful. Gwen nodded.

"Didn't he tell you?" She asked, looking startled and unsure wither she should tell him or not. She couldn't not tell him now though, "You had internal bleeding and he had to open you up to sort it out."

"Oh." Merlin breathed, his hand going back to his stomach. He couldn't feel the stitches through the bandages but he knew there were there. It felt weird. Surgery was very rarely done because the risks outweighed the benefits most of the time, what with infections and diseases. Arthur must have forced Gaius to do it. Thinking about someone cutting him open and looking inside him freaked him out slightly. It was then Merlin realised that when he was pregnant, the only way to have to baby would to cut his stomach open again. He paled at the thought.

Merlin was quiet while Gwen continued to feed him. She chatted about the going ons of Camelot and what he had missed while he was asleep, while Merlin thought about Arthur. He hadn't come to see him yet and Merlin wondered why. Arthur could have got out of any meeting. He was the King of course. Why hadn't he come as soon as he was told that Merlin was awake? Was Arthur angry with him?

Just as Gwen finished giving Merlin the food, the door opened and Arthur walked in. Merlin turned his head and smiled at the sight of his lover. However, the smile didn't last long as Merlin noticed how pale and tired Arthur looked. The feeling of guilt hit him again.

"I'll leave you two alone." Gwen said, standing up. She smiled down at Merlin, reaching down to stroke a strand of his hair out of his eyes.

"Just call for me if you need anything." She told them both before leaving.

The door shut, leaving a very uncomfortable silence. Merlin watched Arthur, who was staring back at him with intense blue eyes. It looked like he wasn't sure what to do. To hug Merlin or shout at him. His jaw was tense but his eyes were soft. Soft and tired, like he had aged a thousand years in just three weeks.

"Arthur." Merlin broke the silence.

"Why?" Arthur asked, his voice quiet.

"What?" Merlin asked, frowning.

"Why?" Arthur said; this time louder and more demanding, "Why would you do something I directly asked you not to do?"

"You were just scared of the risks." Merlin told him, "I know what I was do-"

"You died Merlin!" Arthur yelled, before picking up a vase and throwing it against a wall in his frustration.

"What?" Merlin asked again, confused. How could he have died?

"You died and we had to resuscitate you." Arthur said, pacing the room and tearing at his hair. He looked so distraught.

"It's all going to be ok now." Merlin tried to convince him, following him with his eyes, "I can give you a hire."

"Do you really think I care about that?" Arthur asked, "Do you really think it's worth your life?"

Merlin tried to sit up. He wanted to hug Arthur and take away all his pain. He wanted to reassure Arthur that he was ok. It was all ok now. But as Merlin lent himself up on his elbow, pain filled his whole body. His chest was burning and his stomach screamed in protest.

"Don't." Arthur said, coming over to him and pushing him back down gentle. Merlin laid back down, his hand on his stomach as he heaved with pain. He gritted his teeth and opened his eyes to see Arthur looking down at him, tears shiny in his blue eyes.

"Arthur." Merlin whispered, reaching a hand up. Arthur knelt down beside the bed and Merlin reached over and stroked the tear trail down the King's face. He had only seen Arthur cry once before and that was when Merlin had mistaken his kindness for advances and Arthur had found him naked in his bed, ready to 'serve him'.

It was a weird thing to see. Arthur crying. He was normally so strong and solid. But here he was crying and looking completely defeated.

"You died." Arthur whispered, taking Merlin's hand in his and holding it against his cheek. Arthur held Merlin's hand tightly as if he was scared to let go. As if he let go then Merlin would disappear.

"But I'm still here." Merlin told him, a weak smile on his face. Arthur closed his eyes and leant his head down so he was leaning against Merlin's chest, shaking with tears.

"I can't lose you Merlin." Arthur said, completely opening himself up to Merlin, "I don't know what I would do if I lost you, it would kill me."

"I'm not going anywhere, Arthur." Merlin reassured him, running his hand through blond locks.

"You nearly did." Arthur said, his voice breaking. Merlin bit his lip at this. He had never heard his strong, proud King sound so broken. Not even when his father had died or when Morgana had betrayed him and then tried to kill him. All those times he had stayed strong and brave, but now it was as if he didn't know what to do. Like his worst fear had come true.

"I won't leave you." Merlin promised. It wasn't normally Merlin comforting Arthur. Normally it was Arthur holding Merlin close and whispering sweet, comforting words in his ear, but now it was Merlin's turn. He had to reassure Arthur that he was ok and everything was going to be fine.

Before long, Arthur had crawled himself onto the bed and was resting his head against Merlin's neck, careful not to lean on his chest or stomach. He had stopped crying and was looking at Merlin with sad, fearful eyes. Merlin had managed to turn on his side and was stroking Arthur's face with his long fingers.

"Gaius said that you can only have one." Arthur whispered. It surprised Merlin because he hadn't spoken in a while. They locked eyes and Merlin waited for him to continue.

"He said that the spell was of the Old Religion and is controlled by the spirits of the High Priestesses." Arthur said, sighing and looking away to a spot just above Merlin's ear, "He said that it doesn't matter how powerful the sorcerer is, it is up to the High Priestesses if it works or not."

"Gaius said that it depends on the reasons on why the person wants a baby and how strong the love is between the two men; the three potions beforehand are like a test to see if your relationship is strong enough." Arthur said, reaching his hand out and lying it on the back of Merlin's neck and stroking the bottom of his hair, "And if the person wants the baby for selfish reasons then it won't work either, the spirits are very strict, which means that when they give the ability for a man to bear a child, they only give it to the people that deserve it the most."

"How comes I can only have one child though?" Merlin asked. He felt grateful to the High Priestesses but also wanted to know everything.

"Your insides..." Arthur started, still not looking Merlin in the eye, "They are pretty damaged, but Gaius said that you would not have survived if you weren't meant to have a child."

"But if I died, that means the spirits doubted their decision, what made me come back?" Merlin asked. Tears welled up in Arthur's eyes again and they dangled on the ends of his eyelashes.

"I wouldn't give up." He answered, "Gaius stopped trying, so I took over, that's why you have broken ribs, I wouldn't give up."

The room was silent for a moment. Merlin once again felt guilty for what he had put Arthur through. He leant forward, very slowly as it hurt, and pressed his lips against Arthur's.

"Thank you." Merlin breathed on his lips. Arthur nodded, pressing his forehead against Merlin's and closing his eyes.

"I couldn't give you up." He whispered.

They held each other close for a long time. Merlin kissed the tears away and Arthur held onto Merlin tightly, not wanting to let go.

"Arthur?" Merlin whispered a little while later. It was patch blank in the room and he wasn't sure if Arthur had gone to sleep. He felt too tired to summon an orb of light to check.

"Yeah?" Arthur asked, his voice laced with sleep, as if he had dozed off but Merlin's voice had called him back. Merlin swallowed as his question boiled in his stomach. He needed to know that all that they had gone through hadn't been a waste. He needed to know if Arthur was still angry with him.

"Arthur...we can have a baby now." Merlin whispered, nervously. He saw Arthur open his eyes, as his blue orbs reflected the moon outside the window. He was silent for a moment, deep in thought.

"Yeah." He mumbled, before a smile slowly broke across his face. The first one Merlin had seen all day.

"And it will be just ours, no one else's." Merlin said. Arthur nodded, his eyes gentle.

"Even though you are a fool." He said, bringing his lips over Merlin's, "You are a brilliant fool."

"Do you forgive me then?" Merlin asked, tears now in his eyes, "Because I am so sorry."

Arthur rubbed his nose against Merlin's, rubbing his thumbs over Merlin's cheeks to get rid of the tears.

"There is nothing to forgive, Merlin." Arthur told him, "Just never scare me like that again."

"I promise." Merlin said and he meant it. He never wanted to see Arthur so distraught again. They were silent for a little while longer, comfortable in each other's embrace, but the silence was broken by Arthur speaking.

"Merlin?" He asked, drawing his head backwards slightly so that he could look at his lover.

"Yes?" Merlin asked, looking into the blue eyes. They looked so beautiful with the moon reflecting in them, giving them a grey glow.

"We can have a baby." Arthur said and Merlin could hear the excitement in his voice. The joy and the happiness that this brought the King. Just hearing it made Merlin well up and tears began to pour down his face in happiness and relief. He nodded, and a happy laugh mixed in with a sob escaped his lips. Arthur cupped his face with both his hands and kissed Merlin tenderly on the forehead, laughing slightly as well. They held each other tightly, both laughing and crying at the same time. They were both so happy because now they could create something together.

* * *

><p>It took a lot longer to conceive then Merlin thought it would. It took him a few months to recover enough to be able to actually make love with Arthur and even then it was slow going, as Merlin was still nervous about being on the bottom, something that Arthur and Merlin worked through slowly until Merlin was fine with it. Gaius told him that he will never fully recover because of the extent of the damage to his inside, and this left Merlin with a very low immune system. He was often ill and confined to his bed, much to his annoyance. He still managed to keep up with his duties and research, but most of the time it was from the blankets of his bed and with a runny nose.<p>

Along with the low immune system, other changes came along as well. Like any woman with a womb, Merlin got a monthly bleed. They were very heavy and left Merlin crippled in pain, like the second potion. Gaius said that this was normal for someone who had just started their bleed and that it would become less painful with time, but that could take years.

The women in Merlin's life were very understanding about all of this and tried to help him through it. Eleanor would warm Merlin's bed for him and give him heated cloths to ease the pain and Gwen, who figured it out by Merlin's second bleed, would come and give him hot soup and warm honey water. Merlin was glad Gwen knew, as he didn't like keeping things from her. He considered her his best friend and he wanted her to know everything.

And that was why, six months later, Merlin was sitting at the table in her room, looking nervously at her.

"I'm pregnant." He told her, his hands nervously clutched in his lap. He had figured it out that morning when he realised that he hadn't bleed in two months. He looked in the mirror in his room and studied his stomach. He was a very thin man, so the slight bump there was very noticeable. He wondered how he hadn't seen it before.

"That's great, Merlin." Gwen smiled, standing up and coming round to hug him.

"Have you told Arthur yet?" She asked, tears in her eyes. Merlin shook his head, nibbling at his lip nervously.

"Why not?" Gwen asked, sitting down next to him and taking his hands in her small ones. They were warm and comforting.

"I only get one chance at this, Gwen." Merlin told her, "I really don't want to mess it up, something could go wrong, I don't want Arthur to hate me."

"Oh Merlin." Gwen smiled warmly, looking at him like he was a fool, "Arthur could never hate you."

"I know, but I am just scared, so many things can go wrong." Merlin said.

"But they won't and you know that." Gwen smiled, "The High Priestesses know you and Arthur deserve this baby, they won't take it away."

"You're right." Merlin sighed a moment later. He leant his head forward and rested on Gwen's forehead.

"Of course I'm right." She said, her smile sweet, "And I better be this baby's Godmother."

Merlin laughed, feeling a lot better about everything.

* * *

><p>That evening Merlin and Arthur were sitting the bath together, their sides pressed together. Arthur had been training all day with his Knights and the warm water had smoothed out his sore muscles. He was completely relaxed and his head was leaning against the rim of the tub, his eyes closed.<p>

Merlin was nervous though. He licked his lips and was fiddling with his hands. He looked at his lover, who had his hand on Merlin's leg, drawing small circles with his thumb. Merlin concentrated on that for a while and it calmed him down.

"Arthur." Merlin said, barely a whisper but, as it was just them two in the room, Arthur heard.

"Mmm?" He mumbled, turning his head slightly and opening his eyes to look at Merlin. Merlin looked back at him, their blue eyes meeting across the candle lit water. Arthur's eyes were gentle and happy as he looked at his lover.

"I...I'm pregnant." Merlin said, biting the corner of his lip as he let these words spill out. Arthur's smile grew but only slightly and his eyes got crackles at the corners, like they normally did when he was amused.

"I know, Merlin." He said, his voice filled with happiness and also amusement. Merlin gaped at him, confused and surprised.

"How?" He asked. Arthur entwined their hands together and raised an eyebrow.

"Merlin, I look at your body every day, I touch every inch of you, don't you think I would notice any changes?" He asked.

"How long have you known?" Merlin asked, feeling slightly silly.

"About two weeks, I noticed that you missed your bleed and your stomach got slightly more pronounced." Arthur told him, making Merlin blush slightly.

"I can't believe you've known for two weeks and you didn't tell me!" Merlin said, feeling a little bit disappointed. He had wanted to see the look of surprise on Arthur's face.

"I thought that you should figure it out on your own." Arthur told him, leaning his head forward until his lips were pressed against Merlin's shoulder, "I went nearly crazy waiting for you to realise."

Merlin smiled as Arthur laid gentle kisses on his shoulder and along his collar bone.

"Do you want to know something weird?" Merlin asked, deep in thought as Arthur stopped his trial of kisses and rested his head on Merlin's shoulder.

"What?" He asked, rubbing Merlin's hand with his thumb.

"I feel clean." Merlin said, staring off into the distance. Arthur looked up at this, searching for something in Merlin's eyes.

"For such a long time I haven't." Merlin continued, "I've felt so dirty, and like the only thing I was good for was sex, like that was my only purpose."

"Merlin." Arthur whispered, his heart breaking at hearing these words.

"I think that's why I wanted to do this so much." Merlin said, his hand going to his stomach and resting it there on the slight bump, "My body has a purpose now, it can do something good, I don't feel dirty anymore."

Arthur looked at him for a long moment and then smiled weakly.

"That's good." He said, kissing Merlin's shoulder again and resting his head there, "I'm glad you feel that way now, because you are brilliant and are worth so much more then you give yourself credit for, even before you did the spell."

Arthur continued to rub circles on Merlin's hand as Merlin smiled.

"We've got so much to do." Merlin said, a moment later.

Arthur placed his hand over Merlin's stomach and rubbed it slowly. Merlin stopped his train of thought as he looked down to his stomach and Arthur's strong hand. Tears came to his eyes as he covered Arthur's hand with his, holding their hands there.

"All that can wait." Arthur told him, "For now let's just sit here, the three of us, and forget everything else."

Merlin leant his head against Arthur's and smiled.

"I think I can do that." He said, relaxing alongside with Arthur.

* * *

><p>A week later, after Merlin and Arthur finally clicked that they were having a baby, panic began to set in for them. Mostly Merlin though, as Arthur always seemed to keep a straight head. Merlin began to panic about how he would hide the bump, and the sleeping arrangements of the baby, and finding a suitable wet nurse, and giving birth. He got into such a state that he got ill again and Gaius confined him to his bed.<p>

"You have to start looking after your body now." The Physician said as he took Merlin's temperature, "You have a little one to think about."

"I know." Merlin sighed, taking the medicine that he was given. Arthur was sitting in a chair near the window, a worried expression on his face, but he hid it well.

"Make sure you drink lots of water, and eat vegetables and cheese to give you protein." Gaius ordered. Merlin just nodded, and smiled his thanks.

"I would say that you are two months gone, and everything is looking fine so far, as long as you keep your stress levels down." Gaius told him.

"Don't worry, Gaius, I will make sure that he stays calm." Arthur said, standing up and walking over to the bed. Merlin just frowned as it seemed like no one believed he could take care of himself.

"I must ask, Sire." Gaius said, turning to Arthur, "Have you considered about how the baby is to be born?"

"I am right here." Merlin said, "And it's my body."

Gaius turned back round, a slightly amused look on his face. Merlin rolled his eyes and sighed.

"We all know that there is only one way to birth this baby." Merlin told them, "I cannot have a natural birth."

"Yes, I will have to operate to get the baby out." Gaius told him, a worried expression on his face, "It is a risky procedure, Merlin."

"But there is no other way, so we have to take the risks." The Warlock told him.

"What are the risks?" Arthur asked. Merlin looked at Gaius, praying he wouldn't tell Arthur about the chances of survival. He didn't want Arthur to worry anymore than necessary but Merlin knew the chances of a mother, and even the baby, surviving the surgery was very low. He had comfort in knowing that the High Priestesses would save the baby but there was no guarantee of his own life being spared. He knew that if Arthur had known this he would have refused point blank to have the baby, even refusing sex to do it. Merlin wanted this baby and nothing could stop him now, but he still didn't want Arthur to worry. Merlin tried to quietly tell his Mentor these and the message got through as Gaius turned to Arthur and said,

"No more risks than any other surgery, Sire, as long as we keep everything clean and skilled hands are used."

"You will have to do it then, Gaius." Arthur said, "I trust no one but you."

"I am honoured." Gaius smiled, before turning back to Merlin, "Now, get some rest, you have a long day tomorrow."

Merlin frowned.

"What is happening tomorrow?" He asked.

"Didn't Arthur tell you?" Gaius replied, clearly confused. Merlin looked to Arthur, who looked slightly sheepish.

"I wrote to your Mother to tell her to visit." He said, "She arrives tomorrow."

**Yay! Merlin survives, for now...! You will have to read on if you want to find out. And also the sex of the little baby. I am looking forward to writing the next chapter but I don't know how long it will take as Uni is crazy at the moment, so please be patient if it takes forever.**

**Please review! **


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Merlin awoke to Arthur's blue eyes staring at him.

"Morning." Merlin smiled, his head spinning from the fever he currently had. Arthur smiled back, stroking Merlin's hair.

"Does that mean you forgive me?" He asked. Merlin frowned for a moment but he remembered why he was angry at Arthur. The stupid prat had told his Mother to come and visit and now Merlin had no choice but to tell her all about the baby he was due to pop out in 7 months.

"No,I just forget." Merlin told him.

"Damn it." Arthur smiled.

Merlin wanted to tell his Mother, he really did, but he was scared that she might reject him for it. She hadn't been around them as much as Gaius, and the Knights and Gwen. She hadn't seen how close they were and this might shock and disgust her. Merlin knew deep down that his Mother could never hate him. She had put up with his magic since he was a little baby, and had never once said a word against him, but this was completely different. Loving a man was wrong in God's eyes and having a baby together was so unnatural. He really didn't want to see a look of reject on his Mother's face.

"If it helps." Arthur said, breaking Merlin's thoughts, "I got the kitchen to make you them honey cakes you love so much."

Merlin tried not to smile at this but he couldn't help it. Arthur always knew how to cheer him up.

So when Hunith arrived around noon, Merlin was still in bed and Arthur was sitting with him, feeding him honey cakes and grapes. Arthur was teasing him with the grapes, holding them out for him to eat, but stanching them away as Merlin went to take it in his mouth.

They were laughing together when the knock sounded at Merlin's chamber door and Gwen stepped in, followed by Hunith, who looked tired from her trip but very well. She was wearing a finely made dress and a cloak with a fur hood as the weather was getting cold. She looked tidy and not as skinny as she used to. Merlin smiled at her, remembering that she wasn't a peasant anymore, but Lady Hunith of Ealdor. He was glad that his status as Archmage of Camelot had resulted in a much better life for his Mother and the people of Ealdor.

"Merlin." Hunith smiled, coming over to the bed and kissing Merlin's forehead.

"Mother." Merlin smiled, the anger he felt at Arthur disappeared as he hugged her. He missed his Mother all of the time and often wished that Ealdor was closer.

"You look well." Merlin told her as she sat on the edge of the bed. Arthur had stood up and was moving their plate of food to the table and out of the way.

"And you not so much." Hunith said, placing her hand on Merlin's forehead to feel his fever in a warm way only a Mother could.

"It is just a fever, Mother, I'm fine." Merlin reassured her. She shook her head, turning to Arthur.

"And what have you been doing with my poor son, working him too hard I think." She said, but it was in a friendly way. Hunith was very motherly towards Arthur as well, and treated him more like a son then her King.

Arthur smiled and came over to give Hunith a hug. No matter how much he may deny it, Arthur liked having someone in his life that treated him the way only a Mother would. He wasn't used to it at first and it confused him slightly, but Hunith and Arthur had grown to love each other dearly.

"I try and make him take breaks, but he has never listened to me." Arthur told her. Hunith just gave him a warm smile and turned back to Merlin, holding his hand in hers.

"In the letter it said we had much to discuss." Hunith said, her tone curious. Merlin swallowed, nervous again now. Arthur decided to take his leave then, believing that it was best if he wasn't in the room. All Merlin could think was that _he was bloody prat who was going to die later_.

So Hunith and Merlin were left on their own and the Mother looked at her son with adoring and caring eyes.

"There is so much I need to tell you." Merlin finally said, taking a deep breath, "We used to tell each other everything so this is very hard because I've been keeping so much from you since I came to Camelot and I feel like I've betrayed you in some way."

"Merlin." Hunith said gently, reaching up stroking his hair out of his eyes, "You could never betray me, no matter what you haven't told me, communication is harder now since we're so far away from each other."

"I know." Merlin sighed, looking away from his Mother's eyes and fiddling with the fur blanket that Arthur had made for him. It was the fur of a brown bear that Arthur had killed. It was nice and warm, but it always made Merlin feel slightly sad. The only reason he could justify having it was that the bear had been attacking a village and had killed a lot of live stock before Arthur had slaughtered it.

"You can tell me anything, sweetie." Hunith said kindly. Merlin swallowed again and licked his lips before speaking again.

"It's about me...me and..." He started but the sentence got stuck in his throat. He had never had to tell anyone before. People had just figured out on their own.

"Is it about you and Arthur?" Hunith asked, shocking Merlin. He looked up, questioning in his eyes.

"How...how do you...?" Merlin asked, trying to figure it out. Had Arthur told her through letter?

Hunith titled her head to the side slightly, taking in the sight of her son. She smiled gentle.

"Some things you cannot hide from your Mother, even from such a distance." She said, "In all your letters you speak of Arthur more then you speak of yourself, it didn't take long to figure out."

"Oh." Merlin said, waiting for the negative reaction now. His shoulders tensed and he could feel his palms getting sweating in his Mother's hold.

"Do not worry Merlin." Hunith chuckled slightly, sensing his discomfort, "I do not judge who you fall in love with, and I can see how Arthur looks at you, he makes you happy and I am sure it is your two's love that has made this kingdom so great."

Merlin felt himself deflate in relief as his Mother spoke these words. It didn't last long though as he remembered he still had to tell her about the baby that was in his belly.

"You don't know how glad I am to hear that." He said, smiling at her. She could see through the smile though and stroked her hand up his arm gently.

"What else is on your mind, Merlin?" She asked, her tone soft and warm, feeling like a warm embrace. He closed his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath.

"You...you're going to be a Grandmother." He said, resulting in a frown from his Mother.

"How?" She asked. Merlin licked his lips nervously and then lifted his shirt up to saw his Mother the very slight bump that was there. Her eyes went wide but probably not because of the bump but at the scars that was there, especially the recent line that went across nearly his whole stomach. It was still pink with healing and there were also the other scars that Hunith had never seen. She looked sad and confused, so Merlin leant forward and grabbed her hand, slowly bringing it against his stomach.

"I'm pregnant." He whispered and Hunith's eyes grew and started to water.

"How...how is that possible?" She asked, almost fearful. She didn't recoil her hand in disgust though and Merlin took that as a good sign.

"I'm a Warlock." He smiled, "We can do a lot of things."

Hunith chuckled slightly, and wiped her eyes dry. Merlin looked at her, waiting for her to say something.

"I am so happy for you." She finally said. Merlin stared at her for a few seconds, hoping that he heard right but not quite sure. He finally believed it though when Hunith leant forward and wrapped her arms around him and brought him into a warm, motherly hug.

"Really?" He whispered, needing to confirm it.

"Oh my boy." She whispered, kissing his hair, "My sweet little boy, you've been through so much during your life and you deserved none of it, all the hate and hurt, you deserved none of it, but now I can see you are happy and it makes me so proud to see you like this."

Merlin felt tears in his eyes as she said theses words. He sniffed them away and smiled, leaning against his Mother's shoulder. Despite all the changes that she had gone through, she still smelt the smell and Merlin found comfort in that. She held him tight, and Merlin relaxed.

"You're going to make a great Father." She told him.

"I think technology I am going to be the Mother." Merlin said and they both laughed. He leant back up and she smiled at him, stroking his hair back and cupping his cheek.

"I am so happy for you." She said and he nodded, thinking Arthur wasn't a complete clotpole after all.

* * *

><p>The next day, Arthur called a meeting together to discuss the baby. Only their most trusted friends and servant was going to know about it, and Arthur was going to ask for the help of his most trusted Knights during Merlin's pregnancy.<p>

Merlin couldn't have the baby at Camelot, and he would have to leave the Castle once the bump got noticeable as to avoid rumours to spread. Something this unnatural could spark a lot of anger among the citizens and a rebellion could start. Some people were already angry about the allowances of magic now, and many people had tried to start a fight with the King and his Archmage because of it. A few attempts had been made on their lives but Merlin protected them with his magic.

However, because of the pregnancy, he couldn't produce as much power and Arthur wasn't taking any chances, even though Merlin had protested.

The meeting took place in one of the smaller court rooms and no one was allowed in apart from the selected people who were attending. Merlin had placed a silencing spell around the room so no one could ears drop on them either. The people who were in the room were Arthur, Merlin, Gaius, Hunith, Gwen, Katherine, Eleanor, Leon, Lancelot, Percival, Gwaine, Elyan and Arthur's manservant, Thomas. They were all seated around the table, which was round as Arthur had taken a liking to the old tradition that promoted equality. No one was any less or more equal at this meeting, not even Thomas and Eleanor, who were both servants of the castle. They would all be needed for this pregnancy to work and for Merlin and the baby to be safe.

Arthur was nervous about this, Merlin could tell. They had never said aloud about their relationship, apart from to Katherine and Eleanor, but they were in the same situation as them so it wasn't the same. Merlin knew Arthur had been taught that loving someone in such a way was wrong and a weakness; not that he believed it the way it was taught, but the lesson was still there. His Father's voice still tormented him sometimes.

Arthur stood and looked around him. Everyone was looking at him with expecting eyes, all a bit unsure about why they were there. Arthur cleared his throat before addressing them.

"Something has happened that requires the helps of all of you." He started, "I trust every single last one of you and I hope you will support us, that is Merlin and I, in this situation."

He looked around the table again and could see it everyone's eyes. They were all agreeing to do whatever it was before they had even heard. They trusted Arthur and Merlin with their lives and all of them were dear friends to them both. Whatever the situation, they would help anyway they could and then try some more.

"I think you all know this, as close as we all are, but I have never really said aloud about one of the most important things in my life." Arthur said, "I know I am married." At this he looked at Katherine, who had spoken to before this meeting. She had argued that she and Eleanor would not mind being known about to the people that were in this room.

"But this marriage is purely political for both me and Katherine, we do not love each other but we knew we would have to marry in order to protect our kingdoms."

To Arthur's surprised, no one in the room looked shocked at this. He was expecting some people to look at him with disappointed eyes but no one bat an eyelid. This made him believe that these people, his friends, knew everything he was saying. Regards, he needed to say it anyway.

"I am in love with another." He said, and took another deep breath, holding his head up high as he proudly said, "I am in love with Merlin."

There were no faces of disgust or protest or people storming out of the room. He had expected that there might have been. Instead he received smiles and people mutterings _'finally's_, and nods of approvals. This left him slightly speechless for a few minutes, but he was snapped out it as Merlin reached up and took Arthur's hand in his. Arthur looked down to him and the smile that he loved so much was there. Arthur smiled back and then looked around the table again, where most people were smiling at them.

"We need your help with a very important matter." Arthur started up again, "As you all know, Merlin was taken seriously ill six months ago, and he nearly died."

Most people nodded, some already knowing the reason why but most didn't.

"The reason for this is because he performed a spell on himself." Arthur said, feeling something pulling inside him as he remembered it, "And without going into too much detail... he is pregnant."

The room went so quiet, that a pin dropping would have been able to be heard. The woman of the room already know about Merlin's pregnancy and they were all smiling with their happiness for the couple, but the men, the Knights and Thomas, know nothing of this. They were all looking at Merlin with a shocked look on their faces. Arthur had to wonder whether he had ever seen them this shocked before. He didn't think so.

"That's brilliant!" Gwaine was the first to break the silence and he stood up and came round the table to embrace Merlin tightly. Merlin laughed as his friend wrapped his arms around his shoulders to hug him.

This reaction sparked a respond from everyone else. Leon and Percival stood and came to join Gwaine with embracing the couple. Thomas looked confused but smiled politely and Lancelot smiled his gentle smile as he looked at the two men who were being embraced. Elyan was clapping and laughing at his sister's happy tears.

"Thank you." Arthur said, smiling despite the fact he was trying to stay serious. He hadn't expected such a positive and loving reaction.

"But how…" Gwaine asked, sitting back down in his seat. He looked confused as he stared at Merlin's stomach. The bump wasn't noticeable at all through his clothing, but now everyone knew what was there, "How is the baby going to come out?" He winced thinking about it; a fate no man wanted to face.

"Gaius is going to perform surgery to birth the baby." Merlin told him. Slightly less painful then what Gwaine was thinking, but still a terrifying concept.

"So what do you need our help with?" Leon asked, knowing that the look on his King's face meant he wanted to get on with business and get the meeting over with.

"Well, Merlin can't have the baby here because of rumours that may spread, so we need all of your help to make his absence believable and also to keep him safe until the baby comes." Arthur said.

"Where will Merlin go?" Lancelot asked.

"I am going to Ealdor for the last four months of my pregnancy." Merlin answered, wanting to be just as much of a part of the meeting as Arthur. It was him they were talking about of course. They had told this plan to his Mother and she had agreed that Merlin could come and stay with her for four months. She insisted in fact.

"We are going to tell the Kingdom that the baby is Katherine's and that she is going to finish off her pregnancy at her Father's castle, so Katherine and Eleanor are going to Ealdor with Merlin."

"Are you ok with that, Merlin?" Gwen asked, looking at her friend, "About everyone thinking that Katherine is the Mother?"

Everyone looked at Merlin, including Arthur, whose eyes were suddenly sad. Merlin nodded, sure of his answer.

"Yes, it doesn't matter what other people think, we will know the truth, and we will tell our child that." He told her and the rest of the table. He laid a hand on his stomach, feeling love already for his unborn child. He had felt it for a long time though so that wasn't unusual.

"We are going to tell the Kingdom that Merlin has gone with Katherine, at my wishes, to keep her safe." Arthur said, restarting the conversation. He placed a hand on Merlin's shoulder though, squeezing it gently as a sign of comfort. Merlin smiled at the touch.

"I want two Knights to go with them to keep them safe and to stay with them in Ealdor." Arthur said.

"I will go." Gwaine said straight away. Merlin smiled at him, realising what such a good friend Gwaine was. The Knight truly cared about him.

"And I will go." Percival said, showing how gentle and kind he was. The gentle giant of the Knights. He also loved kids so that was probably another reason he was going. Merlin knew Lancelot would volunteer, if he could cope with being away from Gwen that long. Merlin understood for he had no idea how he was going to cope without Arthur for four long months.

"Great." Arthur smiled, pleased with the way the meeting was going, "Now Thomas, I wish for you to go with them as you are my most trusted servant, only every beaten by Merlin."

"And we all know how that went, Sire." Thomas smiled, earning a laugh from around the table. Thomas had got so use to Arthur that they comfortably banter now, just the way Merlin and Arthur use to be. It had to be that way, otherwise Arthur would get bored. He hated servants that just stood there and took the orders. He needed someone to chat with, and it also made him trust Thomas a lot more. He had been his longest running servant so the two were good friends, along with Arthur being Thomas's mentor. Thomas and Merlin were quite close as well.

"I would be honoured, Sire." Thomas said once the laughter had died down. Arthur and Merlin smiled at him and then around at the room.

"Ok, so that is all sorted, in three months you ride for Ealdor." Arthur said happily.

"I am sorry if I am speaking out of place, Sire." Hunith smiled, "But I do think this is cause for celebration."

"I couldn't agree with you more, M'Lady." Arthur replied, eyes shiny, "Thomas, please tell the kitchen staff that tonight we feast and to cook their finest foods."

Thomas stood, bowing to his King.

"And take the night off, Thomas, tonight you feast with us." Arthur told him. Thomas smile gratefully before leaving to pass on the command.

* * *

><p>That night they celebrated. Just the people invited to the meeting earlier in the day. The next day Arthur was going to announce to the Kingdom that his wife, Katherine, was pregnant, but for now it was just him and Merlin and their friends and family celebrating the truth.<p>

Merlin was smothered in questions about how he had managed to do it and about how it was going and was offered more advice about pregnancy than he knew what to do with. Arthur just sat next to him and laughed as the poor Warlock looked overwhelmed but happy. He was smiling at everyone and laughing at things that Gwaine was saying. It was the happiest Arthur had seen him in a very, very long time.

Part of Arthur felt sad that he alone wasn't enough to make Merlin feel completely happy again, and the conversation that they had the night Merlin told him he was pregnant kept going round in his head. About him feeling clean again. The King felt guilty about feeling that way but he had tried for years to make Merlin feel complete and happy again but he hadn't been enough. Merlin had to nearly die first to feel happy again.

But another part of Arthur, a much bigger part, felt completely content as he watched Merlin's eyes light up a shiny blue he hadn't seen since they were both young boys; naive and fearless. His laughter lines had returned and the smile didn't leave his lips. It was like all his problems had washed away, to make room for this small, amazing miracle.

And for three months it stayed that way. Merlin was happy and bright and he seemed to glow. It was incredible to watch. He wore lose clothes to hide his growing bumps and Katherine wore folded cloths under her dresses to make it seem like she was growing. No one knew because Merlin dressed himself and Eleanor dressed the Queen.

The day before Merlin was due to ride to Ealdor, his mood changed though. Arthur came into his chambers after a meeting that day and found Merlin sitting beside the window, holding a red cloak to his face and crying into it. The sobs filled the chambers like loud bell chimes.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, rushing over to him. He recognised the cloak as his as Merlin looked up at him with wet blue eyes.

"I don't think I can do this without you." He cried and Arthur felt his shoulders fall as he realised why Merlin was so upset. They weren't going to see each other for four months. It was without a doubt the longest they hadn't seen each other.

"Yes you can." Arthur told him, sitting beside him and pulling him close to his side. Merlin leant into him, his head rested on his shoulder as his body shook.

"You'll have your Mother, and Katherine and Eleanor to look after you, and Gwaine will no doubt keep you entertained." Arthur told him, wrapping his arm around Merlin's shoulders and turning his face to nuzzle his hair.

"Can't you come with me?" Merlin asked. Even by his tone Arthur knew that Merlin knew that it was impossible.

"I have to stay here and look after our Kingdom." Arthur reminded him, "Our people need me."

Merlin sighed, his tears slowing. He hugged the cloak to his chest, looking defeated and tired.

"I am going to miss you." He mumbled. Arthur kissed his hair, placing a hand on his slightly swollen belly. He was deeply saddened that he was going to miss the growth of his unborn baby, but there was no other solution.

"I am going to miss you too." Arthur told his lover gently, "I am going to miss both of you."

That night they held each other close under the moonlight. Arthur kissed Merlin's tears away and Merlin laid his hand on Arthur's heart, filling him with the warm feel of his magic. It felt like he was bonding their souls together. It felt sweet and loving and even though Arthur knew Merlin was leaving tomorrow, he couldn't help but smile.

* * *

><p>Arthur rode out with Merlin and his party until they reached a safe place where no one would see them. It was there that they said their goodbyes. Their friends stood aside and allowed the two lovers walk off into the forest just a little while away. Once alone, Arthur brought Merlin close to him and embraced him tightly.<p>

Arthur felt tears in his eyes as Merlin buried his head into his neck, clutching tightly at Arthur's arms.

"Keep yourself safe." Arthur told him, trying to keep his voice even and firm. Merlin laughed, surprising the King as he looked at him. Merlin had tears in his eyes as well, not quite fallen yet, but he was smiling warmly at Arthur.

"You always try to be authoritative when you're sad." Merlin explained and then leant forward to press his lips to Arthur's. Arthur breathed him in, wanting to remember his unique scent. When they broke away, Merlin moved his hands away from Arthur's arms and opened the satchel he had over his shoulder. He took out a round glass orb that was small enough to fit into the palm of his hand. It was green and had patterns moving around inside it, as if it was filled with thick simmering liquid. Merlin gave it to Arthur.

"This will glow when I am three days away from giving birth, even if there are complications and the baby comes early." Merlin told him, "You will know before me when the baby is coming and it will give you and Gaius enough time to ride to Elador."

"It's beautiful." Arthur said, looking at it in wonder.

"Promise me you will be there when the baby is born." Merlin said, looking at him intently.

"Merlin, it isn't proper for me to be in the room with you." Arthur told him, still looking at the orb.

"None of this is proper, Arthur!" Merlin said, now sounding scared. The tone was enough to draw Arthur's eyes away from the green orb and to look at Merlin. There was a single tear falling down his cheek and his eyes were filled with worry and fright. It made Arthur frown with concern. He had been reassured that there was nothing dangerous about the pregnancy and the way the baby was going to be born, so why was Merlin so scared?

"I need you there to hold my hand." Merlin told him.

"And so I will be there." Arthur replied sincerely. He leant forward and gentle pressed his lips against Merlin's temple, "I promise."

Merlin nodded, his eyes shut but a small smile on his lips.

Arthur then took a small step backwards and started to undo the clasp on his cloak. Merlin watched him questionable and his smiled widened as Arthur took off the red cloak and placed it around Merlin's thin shoulders. The cloak drowned him but Arthur wanted Merlin to have it.

"Just so you know that I am close to you even though we are far apart." Arthur told him, placing his hands on Merlin's stomach. The baby gave a small kick and the King smiled at the feel. He bent down on his knee and placed a kiss where he had felt the slight push of his unborn child.

"I will be with both of you." He told Merlin, standing back up and kissing him. More tears had fallen from Merlin's eyes and the kiss was wet but that didn't matter. They clang to each other for a moment, not quite wanting to let go. However, they had to make more ground if they wanted to get to Ealdor by tomorrow, and Arthur had a kingdom to go back to.

"I'll see you in 4 months." Arthur told him. Merlin nodded, seeming to have lost the ability to talk with the amount of silent tears that were flooding his face and throat. Arthur gave him one more kiss before taking his hand and leading him back to the horses and their friends who were waiting for them patiently.

"Look after him." Arthur told Gwaine as Merlin mounted his horse.

"Of course, Princess." The Knight smiled.

"And make sure you look after the King." Merlin told Leon, who had come to ride with them to join Arthur on the ride back to Camelot.

"Always, Merlin." Leon smiled. Arthur mounted his own horse and walked the stead over so he was next to Merlin. They shared their last kiss and smiled at each other, not caring about the people around them.

"I love you." Merlin told him.

"And I love you." Arthur said back. They looked at each other's blue eyes for a second before Arthur turned around and joined Leon.

The two Knights, the two Ladies, the servant and the Warlock rode off and the King watched until they were out of sight.

"Come, Sire, we should make it back to the castle before dusk." Leon said, interrupting Arthur's thoughts.

"You are right, my friend." Arthur replied, before turning around and riding towards his castle.

* * *

><p>Merlin was quiet during the ride, hanging back slightly from the rest of the group as he tried not to sob. He was anxious about not being with Arthur, like something was going to go wrong without his strong King to be there for him. Merlin knew that there was a strong chance that he wasn't going to survive the birth, because having surgery to get the baby out was very dangerous. He was just sad that he may not see Arthur again. He wished that they had these four months to say goodbye. Of course he hadn't told Arthur about the dangers, because he would only panic and tell Merlin to get rid of the baby and that thought just killed Merlin. The baby growing inside him was the most important thing in his life, and he wouldn't give it up for anything, but knowing that Arthur would be angry and upset with him if he knew the truth was heartbreaking. So Merlin kept it a secret and asked Gaius not to mention it to Arthur. There was still a small chance that he could survive.<p>

That evening the party of six set up camp in a small clearing. Katherine and Eleanor had a tent to share, and Arthur had insisted that Merlin took a tent as well, even though the Warlock didn't think he needed it. He set them both up with a wave of his hand but he didn't go into his tent. Instead he sat by the fire, staring at the flames as his friends spoke around him. One by one they went to bed until there was just Merlin and Gwaine awake.

"Go to bed Merlin." The Knight said, sitting next to him, "I'll take the first watch and then Percival is going to take the next."

Merlin looked up at him like he was stupid.

"You know I don't sleep when I'm out of the castle." He told his friend.

"You're not still doing that, are you?" Gwaine sighed, "You need to sleep tonight, you're pregnant and, from what I've heard, you need your rest."

"I'll be fine." Merlin told him, smiling at him, even though it was a tired smile. Gwaine raised his eyebrows.

"If I have to carry you into that tent I will." He told the Warlock, who chuckled lightly. Before the Knight could say another thing, Merlin put his fingers to his forehead and Gwaine's eyes fell shut and he fell gently to the floor, sound asleep.

"Goodnight." Merlin smiled at him, before turning back to look at the fire. He concentrated on the flickering flames, playing with something in his hands. It was another small orb, but this one was a white one. It looked like there was smoke swirling around the glass orb. Merlin looked at it and whispered underneath his breath. The spell caused the fog to disappear and what was left was a miniature scene, like it was in the orb itself.

It was Arthur's chambers back at Camelot, and a mini Arthur was walking around, trying to get changed without a manservant. He fell over as he took off a boot and Merlin laughed lightly. The Warlock had made the orb so he could watch Arthur when he could, just to make sure that his King and lover was ok. The orb showed what Arthur was doing when Merlin asked it to.

Merlin watched as Arthur got into bed and blew out the candle that was on the dresser beside the bed. The moon light still lit the bed though, and Merlin watched as Arthur took the pillow that Merlin normally slept on and hugged it to his stomach. Merlin smiled sadly.

"Goodnight, Arthur."

He then said another spell and the scene with fogged over with the white smoke. Merlin sighed, putting the orb in his pocket. He pulled the red cloak tighter over his shoulders and looked into the fire again. He felt a kick in his stomach and he rested his hand there, as if he was comforting his baby.

"I know." He whispered, "I miss him too."

* * *

><p>The next day Merlin was a lot more tired than he normally was when he had stayed up for the night. The night had worn him out and he couldn't even find the strength to redo the spell so he was more awake. He sighed as he slowly rode behind everyone. He placed one hand on his stomach protectively as he tried to ignore the disapproving stares from Gwaine.<p>

When the Knight had woken that morning, he was not happy. He had promised Arthur that he would look after Merlin, but he had managed to let the Warlock stay up all night and have no rest. Merlin knew it was stupid to force himself to stay awake but he couldn't help it. He had nightmares and was so scared that someone would attack them that he refused to let himself fall asleep. He hated being out of the castle walls, and journeys like this made him very uncomfortable and nervous. He just couldn't shake the feeling that something would happen to him again.

However, right now he was too tired to worry as he let his horse follow the others and his mind went slightly blank as his eyes kept drafting shut. The warm sun beating down on them made him even drowsier and he could very faintly feel the beating of his baby's heart on the palm of his hand from where it was place on his stomach.

So with the heat, the gentle rhythm of his horse and the feel of his unborn child, Merlin managed to draft off.

Which was very bad when you were sitting on top of a giant horse.

Merlin very faintly heard someone calling his name as he felt himself fall through nothingness. It felt like he was floating through air and he could hear people yelling and he could feel the warmth of the sun on his cheeks. He felt his baby kick again and he felt like smiling.

And then everything went black.

**Sorry this took so long. University is crazy busy at the moment and I have a million assignments due in. This was supposed to be the last chapter, minus the epilogue, but the chapter got longer than I expected. So there is one more chapter and then an epilogue to sum it all up. I can't give a date that I am going to post the next chapter because as I said Uni is crazy, but I'll get it up as soon as possible. **

**Anyway, please review :D **


	11. Chapter 11

Merlin's eyes flew open as he felt himself land. He wasn't staring up at the forest trees though but the ceiling of Arthur's chambers. He frowned, wondering how he had got there. He felt a soft weight beside him and turned his head to see Arthur sleeping peacefully beside him. The early morning sun shone through the window and made his hair look more golden than usual, and he looked relaxed while a soft smile on his face. Merlin couldn't help but smile as well upon seeing his beloved King.

"He always looked peaceful when he was sleeping," a voice said from beside the bed. Merlin snapped his head around to see Uther sitting on the side of the bed, looking at his son. Merlin's heart jumped to his throat in terror. He tried to sit up, to crawl away from the dead King but it was hard with the large bump at his stomach.

"There is no need to be afraid," Uther told him, smiling slightly. He looked at Merlin and the eyes that Merlin remembered as hard and cruel were gentle and young looking. Merlin looked from Uther to Arthur and to his bump. He then remembered falling.

"Am I dead?" He asked, placing both his hands over his bump, caressing it as if to comfort the baby buried inside there. Uther chuckled and the sound was warm.

"No, just dreaming," he answered. He looked at the bump in-between Merlin's hands and he smiled gently, his eyes creasing in the corners.

"I always wanted to be a granddad," Uther told him.

"Are you not mad?" Merlin asked, confused and nervous. This was a very weird dream.

"Because my son is in love with a sorcerer, and a man no less?" Uther asked and chuckled again, "And they are having a baby together?"

"Ah...yes?"Merlin said, grimacing slightly. Uther looked from him back to his son again, who was still sleeping soundly.

"If I had found out about this when I was alive, I wouldn't have hesitated in killing you," Uther said, being completely honest, "Even for just being a sorcerer, and Arthur would have hated me so much."

"Arthur loves you, no matter what you did," Merlin told him, feeling the need to comfort the ghost of the King. Uther looked at him, a smile on his lips again.

"You always were a good servant," he said, "And I can see how happy you have made Arthur, how much of a better King he is than me because of you."

Uther reached out and placed a hand on Merlin's stomach. The baby inside responded and kicked gently against his hand.

"Thank you," Uther said, "And tell Arthur that I am very proud of him."

Behind Uther, the Queen Ygraine appeared and placed a hand on her husband's shoulder.

"We both are," she said, her voice soft and caring.

Merlin just nodded, confused but happy. He knew that this was more than just a dream. The hand on his stomach felt too real to be fake.

* * *

><p>Merlin woke up in a tent, the sun shining through the red fabric creating a warm glow around him. Gwaine was sitting by his side, look very pissed off.<p>

"What happened?" Merlin asked.

"You fell off your horse, you idiot!" Gwaine said. Merlin remembered then. The falling and the dream.

"Oh," Merlin said, trying to raise himself into a sitting position using his elbows.

"You could have died, Merlin," Gwaine told him, concern seeping through his tightened features, "You could have hurt your baby."

Merlin panicked then, his hands going to his stomach, but his baby responded by giving him a reassuring kick and he sighed in relief.

"We had to stop, but we are nearly at Ealdor so you can see a healer there," Gwaine said, "Eleanor said that the baby kicking is a good sign though."

"It is," Merlin said, caressing his bump and wishing he could kiss his baby. He looked up to Gwaine, who still looking concerned.

"You really are an idiot, Merlin," he said, "What if something went wrong? You need your sleep like the rest of us normal folk."

"I know," Merlin sighed. He felt like an idiot and he knew the High Priestesses would not give him a second chance.

"I promise I will look after myself for now on."

"Good, because Arthur will kill us all if something happened to either of you, and I am not taking Her Highness's temper because of you," Gwaine said, but he grinned at his old friend before leaving the tent to tell the rest of the group to start packing up.

* * *

><p>They arrived in Ealdor that evening and, not for the first time, Merlin marvelled at how much his childhood village had changed. When he was growing up it was just a few huts and small fields of crops and a couple of animals. It was unprotected but everyone had felt safe because everyone knew each other. There were no strangers in Ealdor.<p>

Since Merlin was crowned Archmage of Camelot, things had changed a lot. Ealdor was now part of Camelot, after Arthur brought it from King Lot, and extensions had been made all around the area. A few small huts had been transformed into houses with a blacksmith, a butcher's, a bakers and even a tavern. There were hundreds of fields, all owned by different farmers, around the now town and the town was encircled by a stone wall, guarded by two soldiers of Camelot. There was a market place where people from all around Albion came and sold their wares, and brought other's. The town was famous for being the birthplace of the great Merlin, which attracted a lot of magic folk, meaning it was a great place for Druids, sorceresses and other magic folk to gather.

Hunith had been made head of the town, which meant she had been given a giant stone house that sits on a hill that looks over the entire town. Merlin had helped build it and magic runs through its bricks. The former peasant had been expected to have servants to help her around the household, as was proper for a Lady, but Hunith was too use to doing everything herself and her own way. She even refuses help when she comes to Camelot. Instead she adopted a few young men and women who were orphaned as children and had no other place to go. One boy who is still in his teens is a Druid, and the other man and his sister were the children of a sorceress who was killed. The other girl was the daughter of one the villages who died during the battle with Kanen. Hunith pays them and gives them house and food, but they do hardly any work compared to a servant of Camelot, as Hunith is awake before dawn and works until she has to go to bed. No matter how many times Merlin tells her she can slow down now and she doesn't have to work her fingers to the bone anymore, she doesn't listen. Just laughs and says that old habits die hard.

Hunith was waiting at the town's gates for them and smiled warmly as Merlin dismounted and hugged her.

"You've got so big," she told him, laughing as she felt his bump. He was wearing a loose shirt so it wasn't noticeable but she had felt it as they hugged.

"I still have 4 months to go yet," Merlin smiled back.

"Well, come on then, we better get you all settled in," his mother said and lead the way through the town. Merlin still found it weird walking through his old home town that had changed so dramatically, but he began to feel at home as old friends and neighbours came up and greeted him. They all seemed happy to see him and, while the place was now different, Merlin could see it was for the better as they weren't in rags anymore and their cold wooden huts had been mostly replaced by stone houses.

Merlin was soon settled in the room that would be his home for the next four months. It was a lot smaller than his room back at Camelot but he was used to small rooms so it felt comfortable. He chuckled lightly as he thought about what Arthur would say about the room. Complaining that it was too small and cramped. He was such a royal prat.

Thinking of Arthur, Merlin took out his small orb and looked into it. Arthur was sparing with Leon and Lancelot, and the other knights. It made Merlin smile to see something so familiar. He watched them for a long moment, watching as Arthur beat both Leon and Lancelot and then started to instruct the younger knights. He scalded one knight that had used too much brute strength and not enough forward thinking and had nearly lost his hand as a result.

Dinner was prepared and Merlin ate with his mother and the other members of his party. He just sat there quietly as his mother spoke with Katherine and Eleanor and the other men spoke while drinking merrily. He didn't feel in the mood for much conversation but was happy to listen to everyone else. His mother noticed his silence though, because after dinner she walked him back to his room, as her room was just down the corridor, and leant up to kiss him on the cheek.

"These four months will fly by, and then you will be with Arthur and your child," she told him. Merlin smiled and placed a hand on his stomach subconsciously as he always did when someone spoke of his growing child.

"I just wish for it to come sooner," he told her. Hunith nodded.

"I was inpatient when I was pregnant with you as well, I just wanted to hold you in my arms and see your face," she smiled, "But the wait just makes it all the more special."

Merlin smiled at her warmly and hugged her. He had missed his mother, as he always did when she was so far away. Her presence made everything feel like it was going to be alright.

* * *

><p>The journey had made Merlin ill, as he discovered the next day when he woke up with a throbbing head and the shivers. Eleanor, who had been studying with Gaius for a while now, was able to make him up a medicine and he was confined to his bed for the first week of his stay in Ealdor. Normally he would have been up stubbornly within two days, but because of his pregnancy he didn't want to take any chances, so stayed in bed until Eleanor saw fit.<p>

He entertained himself by keeping watch other Arthur and reading. His mother sat with him often, mending clothes to keep her fingers busy.

"I could just magic that fixed," Merlin told her as he patched up a blanket. She tusked.

"When did you get so lazy, Merlin?" She asked, but her eyes shone with amusement.

"It's not my fault that I'm stuck in bed," he grumbled. Hunith laughed.

"You were the one that changed their body in ways that shouldn't be changed; this is nature's way of telling you that."

"Yes," Merlin said, "But at least you will get a grandchild out of this."

Hunith's eyes softened and she smiled at him, reaching out to take his hand.

"Yes, and for that I thank the Gods," she told him, "But no more after this one."

"I don't think my body will be able to produce another child," Merlin told her, worry seeping in to him again. He still knew that it was a very small chance that he would survive the birth of this child, that alone produce another one, but he wasn't going to tell his mother that. But the look in his mother's eyes suggested that she already knew that as she brought his hand to her lips, and her shoulders tensed with worry.

"I pray for you, Merlin," she told him, "I know the reasons behind your actions, but still I don't think I could bear to lose you."

Merlin felt tears in his eyes upon hearing his mother's grief.

"Let's hope that the High Priestesses are kind then," he told her. She just nodded, wiping away her tears and continuing her work. There was a tense silence after that though.

Merlin felt bad because he knew that if he died then it would hurt a lot of people. He knew that his mother would hurt, and he knew that Gaius would be upset, and he knew that Gwaine would drink even more than usual. He didn't even want to think about the way Arthur would react. Merlin rolled his hands over his stomach and felt a kick there, as if reassuring him. He felt bad and he wished that he didn't have to hurt anyone, but the baby resting between his arms right now was going to be worth it. The baby will be ruler of Camelot and he knew that they would be a fair ruler and be loved by everyone. Arthur will love this baby more then he loves Merlin, and it will be worth it. Merlin just knew that.

The next few months went really slowly for Merlin, despite Hunith's words from the first night he got there. The days seemed to drag and Merlin soon got so big that he was unable to leave the house, so people wouldn't know what was going on. Merlin felt really uncomfortable as he was so big, and a few people commented on how big he looked.

"You are a lot bigger then I was when I was pregnant with you," Hunith told him at lunch one day when Merlin was unable to tuck his chair in and he had to stretch slightly to get to his food.

"That is very comforting, Mother," Merlin sighed, rolling his shoulders as they began to ache with all the stretching.

"My older sister wasn't half as big as you either," Gwaine grinned, "But then she was always a fat cow to begin with."

Merlin grinned as Hunith scolded the knight for being so rude. Gwaine just winked at him, glad that he had amused Merlin, who was mostly grumpy and fed up these days.

"Maybe that is what it is," Katherine said, looking Merlin up and down, "You are so skinny, Merlin, maybe your bump just looks bigger because of your small frame."

"You should eat more, Merlin," Hunith told him, shaking her head.

"Well, I would, but this baby won't let me reach my food," Merlin sighed, indicating to his stretched out arms. Everyone around the table laughed and it made Merlin feel a warmth he hadn't felt since he left Camelot. He knew something was missing, a big, blonde, prattish something, but having his family and friends around him and laughing with each other made him feel happy. He felt a kick of agreement and smiled even wider.

One night, Merlin couldn't sleep. He was missing Arthur terribly and he was starting to feel sore with his stomach so huge. He still had two months to go and everything was hurting. He took out his orb and looked into it to see Arthur asleep in his chambers, his limbs spread out like normal. Merlin chuckled lightly, stroking the glass and wishing he could feel Arthur's skin instead.

Merlin watched for a while, watching Arthur's slow breathing and humming slightly as if he was singing a lullaby.

Merlin saw movement in the orb suddenly and there was a dark figure in the room with Arthur, standing over the bed. Merlin's blood ran cold as he spotted the dagger in the figure's hand. He raised it and Merlin screamed.

The man in the orb froze as Merlin's eyes shone gold. He saw Arthur's chambers shake with his scream. Arthur jumped awake, looking around. He spotted the man and drew his sword so it was at the man's throat.

"Merlin!" Gwaine yelled as he rushed into the chambers. Merlin didn't see any more as he passed out.

* * *

><p>When he woke up, Merlin was met by Gwaine's brown eyes.<p>

"Arthur!" Merlin asked, surprised to find himself with no strength. It was hard to talk and he couldn't move.

"He is safe, we got a pigeon this morning, they arrested the man who tried to kill him," Gwaine informed him, "But I can't say you're fine."

Merlin's eyes went wide and he forced his hands to move to his stomach. He relaxed when he felt his baby kick against his touch. His baby was fine.

"You did a huge piece of magic," Gwaine told him, "You've been unconscious for two days."

"But my baby, I can feel, they're fine," Merlin told him.

"Yes, but you're not," the Knight sighed, "You nearly died."

"I had to save him," Merlin said, "There was no option, and my baby is fine so everything is fine."

"No!" Gwaine said, looking angst. He rubbed his face with his hands before looking back at Merlin.

"You never think of yourself," Gwaine told him, "You are really ill Merlin, and it's because you only ever think of Arthur."

"What did you expect me to do, just watch him die?" Merlin asked, getting angry. His head was spinning and he couldn't move much but he was angry. He didn't understand why Gwaine was so upset.

"No," Gwaine said softly. He took Merlin's hand and rubbed it gently.

"Merlin, there is... is a chance you may not survive the birth, your child seems to be the only thing given you strength at the moment," he told Merlin, "Your mother thinks it is because they have magic."

Merlin rubbed his stomach and could almost feel it. The magic that was there.

"I know I might not survive the birth, there were the risks from the start."

"And you ignored them?" Gwaine asked. Merlin nodded.

"I wanted to give Arthur an heir and I don't regret the decision."

Gwaine sighed and nodded.

"Of course not, because Arthur always comes first."

"Arthur and Camelot," Merlin said proudly, "Our child will be the greatest ruler that Camelot has ever seen and there will finally be peace."

Gwaine nodded again.

"You have to rest Merlin, I'll send Eleanor up with some food," he told the Warlock. Merlin nodded and found that he was extremely tired and fell asleep quickly.

Over the next couple of weeks, Merlin was too weak to get out of bed. He spent the time slipping in and out of sleep and his mother, Eleanor and Katherine had to help him bath and eat. He had headaches all the time and, while he could move his limbs now, he couldn't walk. His ankles had swelled and his back was always hurting.

Gwaine didn't say anymore about Arthur to Merlin and tried to keep him entertained by reading to him. Sometimes Merlin went to sleep with Gwaine reading and woke up to his voice. It was comforting and he was very grateful to his friend.

Days where Merlin was strong enough he taught Tom. Reading, writing and numbers along with some magic, and his mother normally sat in and talked with him. There were always people around him, but Merlin still felt lonely. The glass orb broke when Merlin had used the magic, so he could no longer watch Arthur. He was starting to worry that he was never going to see Arthur again.

One day, a month before his baby was due, Merlin woke up to a terrible pain in his abdomen. He cried out, waking Gwaine who had fallen asleep in the chair beside the bed.

"Merlin, what's wrong?" He asked, jumping up and going to the bed.

"The baby!" Merlin cried, clutching his stomach, "It's too early!"

The door opened then and Hunith rushed in, followed by a journey worn Gaius.

"Merlin, my boy!" He said, going to his side, "It seems like I've arrived just in time, that orb you gave Arthur started glowing two days ago."

"Where is Arthur!" Merlin asked, desperate to see his King.

"He had to leave later then me as there was urgent business in court, but he'll be here by night fall," Gaius informed him, laying a hand on Merlin's forehead.

"I'll just have to wait until then," Merlin said, clutching his jaw tightly as another wave of pain overtook him. He grabbed hold of Gwaine's arm, needing to clutch something.

"You might not be able to," Hunith told him, sitting beside him and taking his other hand.

"Yes!" Merlin said, clutching Gwaine's arm tighter and leaning towards him to balance himself. Gwaine sat down on the bed so their bodies were side by side, "I have to."

And he tried to. He had contractions all day and they got gradually worse and closer together. Gwaine stayed by his side all day, even when Merlin got angry and started throwing things. He let Merlin squeeze his hand and agreed with him when he said Arthur was a bastard for not being there yet. Somewhere in the back of his mind, behind the pain and desperation, Merlin realised that this was the first time he had let someone other than Arthur or his mother get close to him since he was kidnapped all those years ago. He even sometimes felt uncomfortable with Gaius. Merlin was glad that he had found someone else that he was comfortable with, especially since he really needed Gwaine right then.

Merlin was frustrated that Arthur wasn't here yet. He was in so much pain and he needed Arthur. The sun slowly went across the sky and the sky turned to a dark blue and Arthur still wasn't there.

"Where is he?" Merlin cried, sweating and his back arching off the bed from the wave of pain that overtook him. Eleanor was wetting his forehead with a damp cloth and his mother was holding his hand. Gaius was measuring his pulse and Gwaine was pacing the room, looking out of the window every time he went past, and paling every time Merlin cried out.

"We're going to have to start, Merlin," Gaius told him.

"No, no," Merlin shook his head, "No, we can't."

"Merlin, darling," Hunith said, gently, "You have to."

"He promised," Merlin cried, tears falling down his cheeks, "He promised...we can't."

"Merlin, if we don't start now, you'll die," Gaius said.

"No, we can't," Merlin cried, "He'll be here."

"Merlin, stop!" Gwaine yelled, coming up to him. His face was pale and his eyes were red and he looked desperate.

"You need to let Gaius start, you're important and I won't let you die," Gwaine told him. Merlin looked at him, tears pouring down his cheeks.

"But he promised he'll be here."

"He will," Gwaine told him, cupping his face tenderly. Merlin closed his eyes and imagined it was Arthur's hands. Gwaine's hands were too large and cold to be Arthur's, but it was comforting nevertheless.

"But we need to start now," Gwaine said and then took the sleeping draught from Gaius and brought it to Merlin's lips. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut and drunk it. Darkness claimed him quickly.

* * *

><p>Merlin felt weird when he woke up. Kind of empty. He felt sore all over, and it took him a while to open his eyes. He could hear someone moving around the room, making soft noises.<p>

Merlin slowly opened his eyes and found Arthur slowly pacing the room, a soft smile on his face as he looked down at the bundle in his arms.

"Shhh...Don't cry, you'll wake Papa," he mumbled down at the baby. Merlin smiled and tried to sit up.

"Arthur," he said, his voice croaked. Arthur looked up and smiled so big it looked like it might hurt.

"Merlin," he said softly and came over to the bed. He bent down and kissed Merlin's forehead, running a hand through his hair. Merlin closed his eyes briefly, taking in Arthur's scent and the feel of his lips and fingers. Tears began to gather in his eyes just from the small contact and sight of his lover.

"When did you get here?" Merlin asked as Merlin sat down beside him.

"Just as Gaius pulled our son out of you," Arthur told him and passed the bundle over to Merlin. He looked down at his baby. He was small and pink and had dark hair. He was sleeping and Merlin felt the tears increase.

"He's beautiful," he mumbled.

"I know," Arthur smiled, wrapping an arm around Merlin's shoulders and turning his head to burying his nose in Merlin's hair.

"I ran through the door, all sweaty from the ride, and Gaius just put him in my arms," Arthur chuckled.

"I'm glad you made it," Merlin told him, stroking the baby's cheek. The baby made a soft noise and turned his head slightly into Merlin's touch. A cry made Merlin jump. The baby in his arms weren't making a sound. It was coming from across the room.

"Ok, I haven't forgotten about you," Arthur laughed, getting up and walking across to a basket that was near the window.

"What?" Merlin asked, confused as Arthur picked up another bundle of blankets, which were crying. Arthur smiled at him, his eyes sparkling.

"You had twins."

Merlin felt his jaw drop as Arthur walked towards him.

"When Gaius gave me our son, he pulled out this beautiful girl, he gave her to Gwaine, who was nearest, and he nearly fainted with shock, I swear," Arthur chuckled lightly, and then sat down on the bed so Merlin could see. She was slightly bigger than the boy and had a mop of blonde hair. She was awake and crying softly, her eyes staring up at him. They were bright blue. Merlin held his hand out and she reached up and took his finger, her crying stopping as if she recognised him.

"She's perfect... they're both perfect," Merlin smiled, leaning into Arthur.

"You did so well," Arthur told him and kissed his hair.

"I missed you," Merlin said softly.

"I missed you too," Arthur replied, "I'm glad you are alright, it was a bit touch a go for a while, you were so weak."

"How long have I been out?" Merlin asked. Arthur moved closer, sliding their bodies' together side by side, their babies in-between them.

"A while," he answered, but you're awake now and Gaius said you're going to be alright so that's all that matters."

Merlin nodded, snuggling closer to Arthur.

"I was told what happened, before I got here," Arthur said quietly, leaning his head on Merlin's.

"What do you mean?" Merlin asked, stroking his son's soft cheek.

"You refused to start, even though it was getting dangerous to wait," Arthur told him, "Gwaine was really angry, he nearly punched me for being so late, he was very worried about you."

"He has been a good friend these last couple of months, he has made it a lot easier," Merlin mumbled, thinking of his friend and how much he cared.

"Yes, after Gwaine went to calm down, Eleanor told me he was the only one that could make you see sense," Arthur said.

"I just wanted you to be here, I wanted you to be the one holding my hand," Merlin said, a tears sliding down his cheek. Arthur kissed his hair, keeping his lips there as he squeezed his eyes shut as his own tears began to build up. He had disappointed Merlin. He had let him down when he had needed him.

"I am sorry Merlin," he said softly. Merlin turned his head up and smiled at him, before capturing his lips with his.

"It's ok, you're here now, that is all that matters," he told his King, and then turned back to their babies.

"What are their names?" He asked.

"They haven't got any yet, I was waiting for you to name them," Arthur told him, leaning his head back against Merlin's and looking down at the children in their arms.

"The boy is your heir so you get to name him," Merlin said.

"I was thinking Edward," Arthur said, "It is a nice, strong name."

Merlin nodded and smiled.

"A name of a leader."

"What do you wish to call the girl?" Arthur asked. Merlin smiled down at his daughter, who had fallen asleep with his finger still in her grip.

"Freya."

Arthur knew about Merlin's past and the Lady of the Lake. They visit the lake once a year so they can pay their respect. Freya had meant a lot to Merlin, and he wanted to honour her by naming his daughter after her.

"Princess Freya," Arthur tested it, "A beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

Merlin looked at his baby girl and then his baby boy. It was too good to be true. Too beautiful children and he was still alive. The High Priestesses had blessed him beyond belief. He looked at Arthur, who had a look of pride and happiness on his face. He knew there was just one more thing that would make Arthur feel complete.

"I had a dream when we were riding here," Merlin started.

"Yeah?" Arthur asked, looking at him.

"Yeah, it was about your parents," Merlin told him and he felt Arthur tense slightly, "It was more than a dream though, I think they were actually talking to me from beyond the grave."

"How is that possible?" Arthur asked, his brow creased.

"It's happened before, I think the departed can speak to me if they wish," Merlin explained. Arthur licked his lips, looking slightly nervous.

"What did they say?" He asked. He sounded like he was dreading the answer.

"They said that they were proud of you," Merlin smiled, "and that they are glad that you are happy."

Arthur looked at him for a split second, not quite believing him at first, but he then saw the honesty and happiness in Merlin's eyes, and a slow smile grew over his face. He hugged Merlin tightly, burying his face in his hair. Merlin could feel the smile against his skin and he laughed.

"I love you Merlin," Arthur told, "You have made me so happy, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without you throughout all these years."

Merlin's eyes softened and he kissed Arthur's cheek.

"I love you too," he told him, "You have saved me in so many ways and I am honoured that I was the one to bare your children."

They hugged for quite a while, not wanting to let each other go. Merlin felt really tried but he didn't want to sleep. Arthur chuckled lightly as Merlin's head dropped against his shoulder.

"We're not going anywhere," he promised Merlin. The Warlock nodded, letting his eyes slid shut. He smiled as he felt Arthur's lips against his temple and the comfortable weight of Edward in his arms.

This was everything he ever needed. He felt whole and like he belonged for the first time in his life. Everything that had happened in the past didn't matter anymore.

It was just him, Arthur and their two beautiful children, and Merlin knew that he wouldn't feel sadness ever again.

**I am so sorry this took so long. My life has been crazy, what with Uni, work, placement and what not. Thank you for being so patient. There is only the Epilogue to go and I have written most of that so it will hopefully be up soon. **

**Prince Edward is actually named after one our old Kings. I had a longer version then this in mind, with more storylines about Edward and Freya, but I won't get a chance to write it so I have changed their ending, which you will see in the Epilogue. His ending was going to more tragic so I named after a King who I think had quite a tragic life. The ending is happier now. **

**Also, sorry this chapter is slightly shorter than usual. I tried to make it longer but I didn't want to spoil it so I just left it as it was. **

**Please review. **


	12. Chapter 12

It was very quiet in the chambers of Camelot, with most people outside enjoying the sun. It was around noon and the sun was shining through the window, creating the room to let off a warm glow.

The quiet didn't last long though as the door swung open and a young girl stormed in, slamming the door shut behind her. She was about 12 years old and was wearing a light blue dress that had long arms and reached down to her feet. Her blond hair was up in two French plaits that ran down the length of her back. Her sky blue eyes looked frustrated as she undid the laces of her dress and let if fall to the ground so she was left standing there in her undergarments which consisted of baggy shorts that reached her knees and a top that covered the majority of her chest. She stepped out of the mess of her dress on the floor and kicked it aside.

She then walked over to the wardrobe in the room and threw up the doors. A young boy with black hair and matching blue eyes was sitting on the floor, staring back at her.

"Shut the door, Freya!" He hissed. The girl, Freya, sat down next to him, manoeuvring her legs to fit comfortable against his lanky legs. The door closed and an orb of soft light was floating in the darkness, illustrating their faces.

"How long have you been in here, Edward?" Freya asked, looking at the book in his hands.

"Since breakfast," Edward answered. Freya scowled.

"Mother took me away straight away to do my lessons," she grumbled, "Why would you hide from training? I'll rather do that then learn to be a Lady."

She started to unplait her hair, rubbing her scalp where they had been pulled too hard.

"Freya, look at me, do I look like a Knight?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow. Freya laughed, looking at his skinny arms and legs and his innocent face. He looked so like their Papa. A nearly splitting image.

"Father is going to bed mad," Freya told him.

"Not just with me," Edward smiled, pointing at her underwear.

"They're so uncomfortable," she moaned, "You're lucky you don't have to wear them."

At that moment the door to the chambers opened and they both fell quiet, the orb of light disappearing with a wave of Edward's hand. They peered through a small gap in the doors to see their Papa walk in and sigh as he spotted the dress on the floor. He picked it up and waved his hand in a small semi-circle. The dust and dirt on it disappeared and he draped in over a chair. He then turned his head towards the wardrobe and opened the doors.

"You two really need to find a better hiding spot," he smiled down at them, "You've hid here since you were four."

Freya and Edward stood up, both looking sheepish.

"Well, Father said the beams of the throne room were too dangerous," Edward said, his tone flat.

"He wasn't saying that when we were saving his life from them soldiers," Freya laughed, remembering the time when Camelot had been abashed and several soldiers had made it to the throne room, where their Father had been. Freya and Edward had just discovered how to make their selves float and had been playing around the beams in the massive hall. Their Father had told them to keep quiet and they hid and watched as the men had come in and tried to attack their Father. They had conquered up stones and had thrown them at the soldiers, knocking them out and saving their Father's life.

"Freya, why are you in your underwear?" Merlin sighed, looking at his daughter. She sighed and said,

"Because the dress in uncomfortable and restricting and my underwear is comfortable."

"You can't walk around in your underwear, it is improper," Merlin told her.

"I'm not parading around the castle, Papa, I am only in Edward's chambers," she argued.

"Like you haven't walked around the castle before in just your underwear," Merlin smiled at her knowingly and picked up her dress to hand to her.

"That was only from here to my chambers, and it was dark," Freya told him with a pout, putting her dress back on.

"Yeah, but a servant boy saw you," Edward grinned. Freya punched his arm and he glared at her, rubbing the spot. Merlin shook his head and helped her do up her laces.

"Come on, we are having lunch with your Father, Mother and Mama," Merlin told them, and then looked at Edward, "Your Father wants to discuss with you about missing training this morning."

"He knows I hate training," he grumbled, following his sister and Papa out of the room, "Why do I always have to do it?"

"Because as future King, you need to know how to protect yourself and your kingdom," Merlin replied, a hand on his shoulder. Freya was grumbling in front of them and tagging at her dress, but she cheered up as they passed a serving girl and they waved at each other as they went by.

"Yes, but I can do that with my magic, I don't need to know how to fight with a sword," Edward argued.

"Magic isn't always enough and you shouldn't rely on it as much," Merlin told him, "You might not be able to use it one day, and it would be unfair to fight someone who doesn't have magic with magic, it would be an unjust victory."

"Swords are cool anyway," Freya told him, "And bow and arrows, I love going hunting with Father."

"But it is more fun to use magic," Edward told her.

"I don't think so," Freya said, "It is more rewarding to use a weapon because it involves a lot more focus."

"Well, I would disagree with that," Merlin told her, "Magic involves a lot of focus, and skill."

Freya shrugged, turning her head to smile at her Papa.

"I know, but I still prefer swords."

Merlin shook his head and smiled. His children were like chalk and cheese, but then again so were their parents. Freya was a lot like her Father, even with the way she looked. She enjoyed fighting and hunting, and had even managed to get Gwaine to teach her how to use weapons, and she was shorter then her brother, with Arthur's blonde hair. She was kind like Merlin though and loved going around the market and town with Gwen to talk to the town's people.

Edward, on the other hand, didn't like fighting and had the same attitude as Merlin on hunting. He didn't like killing animals. Arthur used to drag him out every week to do it, but decided that it wasn't worth it with all his moaning, so started taking Freya instead, who was very glad of this. Edward is quieter then Fraya, and not as much as a people person, a bit like his Father. He knows how to talk to important guests and is polite and knows all the right things to say to who, but he doesn't seek out company like Freya. Edward is also more interested in magic and enjoys his lessons a lot more with Merlin then Freya does. He studies more, while Freya would rather be outside. They are both equally good at magic, but Edward has more skills because he practises a lot more.

They arrived at the small dining room in the castle, which is lit up by the high windows that has the sun shining through. Arthur is already there, along with Katherine and Eleanor, who are all sitting around the table. Arthur stood up to greet them, smiling at his daughter and kissing her cheek. Freya was definitely a Daddy's girl. Arthur loved both his children equally but he could relate more to Freya because they were so similar, and it was easier to show affection towards her because she was a girl. He gave Edward a stern look.

"Where were you today?" He asked, sitting back down with his son beside him. Edward sighed.

"I was studying magic."

"You need to be at training, son, these men aren't going to follow you if you don't even show up at training," Arthur told him, his tone firm but gentle.

"I am no good at sword fighting, I am just like Papa, you've said it yourself," Edward told him, "Why can't I just fight with my magic and let Freya led the knights?"

Freya lit up at this suggestion but Arthur shook his head.

"Freya can't go on the battle fields," Arthur told him.

"Why not?" She grumbled, "I am just as good as any of them knights in training, better in fact."

Arthur turned to her and sighed.

"Because you're a girl," he answered. Merlin smirked at this. He knew this one wasn't going to go down well.

"So what!?" Freya protested, "I am good at fighting, just admit it, and I can protect myself with magic."

"I just don't want to see you hurt," Arthur told her, his eyes gentle. He turned back to Edward, "Either of you, so that means you have to go to training Edward, so you can learn to protect yourself, and Freya when there is a battle you have to stay here and look after the woman and children with your Mothers, as this is your duty."

"Duty sucks," Freya mumbled, attacking her lunch with her fork. Edward nodded beside her and Arthur just sighed. Merlin, who was next to Fraya, turned to her and tilted her chin up with his hand so she was looking at him. He smiled at her, her blue eyes sparkling with frustration.

"One day, you will be Archmage and Edward will be King, and then you will understand why all of this, us moaning at you and you doing things you don't want to so, is so important," he told her and then looked past her to Edward, "And then you will thank us."

"Yeah, but it is still no fun today," Freya told him.

"I know," Merlin smiled, releasing her chin, still smiling, "Why don't we go and see Kilgharrah and Aithusa tonight?"

Instantly the two children lit up and nodded.

"Can we? We haven't seen them for ages" Freya asked.

"Aithusa can give us a ride," Edward smiled at his sister.

Merlin looked past them to Arthur who was smiling at him. He shook his head in amusement.

"Trust you to have the most unruly children in the kingdom," he laughed.

"They're not that bad," Merlin told him, "I think you were worst."

But their children didn't hear them as they chatted away about tonight and seeing the dragons.

* * *

><p>Arthur looked at his children, both grown now. Freya had long, blonde hair, tied back in an elegant braid. Her blue eyes were a crystal, just like Merlin's, and her skin was just slightly tanned like his own. She was beautiful, even with her eyes red from crying like they were now. She was holding his hand tightly and stroking his arm.<p>

Arthur smiled at her, squeezing her hand with as much strength as he was able. His hand was worn and wrinkled from age and his face was just the same. His once blonde hair was now grey, like his Father's had been. He was old and he was dying. It was his time and he did not feel sad about it.

He looked to his son, Edward, who was a striking image of Merlin. Skinny, black hair, limbs too long for his body, big ears. His eyes were the blue of Arthur's though. Such a slight difference. He was very much like Merlin in every way though. He loved to read and hated sword fighting. He was excellent at magic. They both had the same abilities but Freya wasn't as focus on it so Edward's talents were far more controlled and disciplined. Freya was more hot headed where Edward was calm and thought things through. He was brilliant at planning tasks and was a great leader in battles. Freya was always at his side though, despite being ordered to stay at the castle. She always found a way out by dressing like a knight. They made a great pair and fought side by side like they had one mind.

Edward was sitting by Freya's side, one arm around her shoulders, his other resting on the bed beside Arthur's leg. He hadn't cried. He had stayed strong for his family.

Merlin was on the other side of the bed, his head resting on the mattress, where he had passed out from watching over Arthur for too long. His hair was white now and he had grown both his hair and beard, and his face was wrinkled. Arthur was happy to know they were mostly laughter lines, rather than from worry.

"It's tonight, my children," Arthur said and Freya let out a sob.

"Don't speak like that, Father," she begged. Edward wrapped his arm further around her shoulders.

"Be strong, my Princess," Arthur smiled, "It is time."

Freya shook her head, bringing his hand to her lips as she silently cried. Arthur stroked her cheek, a smile on his face. He then looked to his son, who had his head hold high but his jaw was tense and his eyes were shiny.

"I know you will be a great king, my son," Arthur told him, "fair and just, and you are already a great leader."

"I learnt from the best, Father," Edward smiled and Arthur chuckled lightly.

"You will become the Archmage when Edward becomes the King," he told Freya, "Rule beside your brother and try not to get into too much trouble."

Freya laughed shakily and nodded.

"I'll try, Father," she whispered.

Arthur took a moment to take in his too beautiful children. His quiet but strong son and his loud and kind daughter. They had grown quickly but he trusted them to look over Camelot. Merlin always said that they will be the greatest rulers that Albion had ever seen and they will bring all the kingdoms back together. Arthur had started that task but he knew his children would finish it. They were fair and smart and powerful. They were both great in battle and their knights and people trusted them. He was leaving his kingdom in safe hands. He had never doubted that, even when Freya turned down every suitor who had tried to win her hand or when Edward skipped all his training sessions in two weeks to study magic. They evened each other out and together they were great leaders.

"I am very proud of both of you," Arthur told him, and his children smiled at him. Edward moved closer to Freya and hugged her tightly. Freya squeezed her eyes shut, her whole body shaking with tears. It hurt Arthur to know she was so sad because of him.

"I will still look over you," Arthur told them, a promise he knew he could keep. He then looked to Merlin, who was mumbling slightly in his sleep. Arthur found his hand and gripped it tightly.

"Look after him," Arthur said quietly, "Make sure he doesn't shut himself away and listen to his guidance, because he is very wise when he wants to be."

Both his children chuckled at the hint of banter that they were use to from their fathers.

"We will Father," Edward promised.

Arthur coughed roughly then and sighed, feeling worn down to his very core.

"Give me a moment with your Papa," he requested, knowing his end was near. Edward nodded and stood. He bent down and kissed his father on the forehead. Arthur eyes were soft as he looked at his son, who stood tall and proud, but the grief weighing on his shoulders was very clear. Freya let out another sob and gripped Arthur's hand tightly for a moment before Edward helped her up.

"I love you, Father," she cried, leaning down and kissing his cheek.

"And I love you," Arthur smiled sadly. Freya bit her lip, tears streaking down her cheeks. Edward wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided her out. Arthur watched, tears coming to his own eyes, as he watched his children disappear for the last time.

Arthur sighed, not holding back the tears that fell. Once the door was closed he turned his head and looked at his love. Merlin was fidgeting a lot in his sleep and muttering. He looked restless and tired and Arthur slowly stroked his hand with his thumb to try and smooth him. Arthur watched him for a little while until Merlin started to stir. Arthur was glad. He could feel the strength leaving his body and he had been scared that he was going to go before saying goodbye to Merlin.

Merlin leant his head up and looked at him. As soon as their eyes connected Merlin seemed to know the time was near and he shook his head, tears rushing to his eyes in an instant.

"No," he whispered. Arthur squeezed his hand, not able to stand the look of pure grief on Merlin's face.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said quietly. He felt so guilty for leaving Merlin. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving. He had promised long ago not to leave and here he was, nearly gone.

Merlin climbed into the bed and laid down beside Arthur, his head resting on the King's chest where he could hear that his heartbeat was slow and his breathes were uneven.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," Merlin told him, "You have been my reason for living for so long."

"You're wrong," Arthur told him and Merlin looked up to look into Arthur's now grey eyes, "You gained a new reason of living over twenty years ago."

And it was true. Merlin was an excellent father and he loved their children more than anything. Arthur knew he had been very depressed for a long time after what had happened to him and he had relied on Arthur for a while. However, no matter what Arthur had done, no matter how much love and understanding he had given Merlin, Merlin hadn't actually felt whole and clean again until he was pregnant with their twins. It was their children who had saved Merlin from the darkness in his mind. Not Arthur but two sweet little babies.

Arthur smiled as he remembered Merlin singing to Freya when she refused to go to sleep when she was just a baby. He would rock her back and forth for hours, singing softly until she fell asleep in his arms. He would then sit on the windowsill and stare out of the window. Arthur would wake and the first thing he would see was Merlin with the babe in his arms, moonlight making them both glow softly.

It was one of Arthur's favourite sights. Another was remembering Merlin and Edward curled up in the bed when he was still little. He would sit in Merlin's arms while holding a massive spell book and pointing at spells for Merlin to do. One morning Arthur had been trying to get ready and Merlin had taught Edward a levitation spell. They kept moving Arthur's clothes so he couldn't find them.

The children riding the dragons. They started doing this when they were really little. Edward had climbed up onto Kilgharrah when he was just five years old and the old dragon had just flapped his wings and lifted off, the boy cheering in glee. Before Arthur could say or do anything Freya had climbed onto the smaller Aithusa and they had taken off as well. Merlin had laughed while Arthur had demanded that they came back down.

"Don't worry," Merlin had told him, still sitting on the grass.

"They could fall!" Arthur had told him, trying to see the dragons had gone. They hadn't gone out of sight but the sun was making it hard to see.

"I trust the dragons, they won't let anything happen," Merlin reassured him. Arthur could hear his children laughing and he relaxed. He sat down beside Merlin and watched as the dragons soared through the sky.

The children had gone flying many times since and nothing had happened. The dragons were great allies to Camelot now and even helped in battles. Edward always rode Kilgharrah and Freya rode the younger, white dragon. They suited each other quite well, with the younger dragon more carefree, like Freya.

Arthur continued on smiling and stroked Merlin's shoulder as he remembered watching Freya training with Gwaine in the courtyard. The sword was too big for her but she held it up all the same, swapping at the Knight who laughed at her as he blocked her blows. She got the better of him though and hit his legs when he was too busy laughing. He fall over and Freya had jumped on top of him. Most of their training sessions had ended like this when she was young, and she had always proclaimed that she had won, making the King and the Knight laugh fondly.

While Freya was always attached to the Knights, Edward could always be found following Gaius and Merlin around, begging to be taught magic or helping with the potions to help cure people. Seeing him with Gaius's medicine bag, tagging along after the old man, was like déjà vu as it was like looking back into the past and seeing Merlin following Gaius like a shadow, his clumsy movements dominated by his long limbs.

One of Arthur's favourite memories was when all four of them would curl up in bed together when their children were still little. A massive throw around them and the fire burning. Merlin and the twins would conjure up little balls of light and Arthur and Merlin would tell them tales of their adventures. Freya would always end up asleep in Merlin's arms, lolled to sleep by their voices. Edward would always stay awake, begging for more stories. He always wanted to know everything and he wouldn't go to sleep until Merlin put out the fire and the lights would go out. Even in the dark he would ask for one more story and Arthur would hold him close and whisper him a story. Merlin would stay silent but Arthur knew he would lie there and listen as well. Edward would finally go to sleep in the dark and Arthur and Merlin would hold hands over their children.

"You have to stay strong for Edward and Freya," Arthur told him, "They will need you."

"Please don't leave," Merlin begged, burying his head into Arthur's chest.

"You know I have to go," Arthur told him, holding his head and bringing to his lips to kiss gently, "But I will be with you in spirit."

Merlin leant up and looked at his King. He bit his lip as he accepted the fate of Arthur. He didn't like it and he was scared, but he knew this is what had to happen.

"Remember our promise?" Merlin whispered, stroking Arthur's face gently. Arthur nodded and Merlin leant down to kiss him as he felt the life leaving Arthur's body.

"I will find you in another lifetime," Arthur told him, his voice quiet and distance.

"In another lifetime," Merlin promised, kissing Arthur one last time before he took his last breath.

* * *

><p><strong>2012<strong>

"Yes Morgana, I'll be fine," Arthur sighed as he unzipped his suitcase, the phone balanced between his ear and shoulder. He looked inside at the clothes and then to the tiny wardrobe where the university expected them to fit all their things. He wondered how the girls did it.

"_I'm sorry I couldn't come up with you but work is killer at the moment,"_ Morgana sighed on the other end, _"How is the room?"_

"Small but manageable," Arthur told her. He looked briefly around the room. There was a single bed that looked extremely uncomfortable, a desk, the small wardrobe and a bedside table. The door was propped open with a box filled with kitchen stuff, waiting to be taken to the small kitchen across the hallway, and the rest of the room was cluttered with boxes and bags.

"_Have you met anyone yet?"_ Morgana asked.

"Yeah, a girl called Gwen who is doing fashion design, but I think most people are getting here tomorrow," Arthur answered.

"_So no hot boys to shag yet?"_ Morgana asked, wickedly.

"Morgana!" Arthur gasped, shocked at her bluntness.

"_Sorry, I forgot, ickly Arthur is still a virgin,"_ Morgana laughed.

"You evil witch!" Arthur scowled, rubbing his forehead but he grinned. He was going to miss his older half sister and their banter.

"_Careful, I could still hoax you, you know, even from this distance,"_ Morgana told him.

A knock on the door caught Arthur's attention and he turned around. A boy with dark hair and lanky limbs was standing there, looking slightly shy and holding a tin of sweets.

Arthur swore he felt his heat stop as he stared at the boy. He seemed to be speechless.

"Sorry," the boy mouth upon seeing that Arthur was on the phone. He made to walk away.

"No, wait," Arthur said, a bit too loudly. The boy looked surprised.

"I've got to go, Morgana, I'll speak to you later," Arthur said and before his sister could reply he hung up.

"Hi," Arthur smiled and walked over to the boy. The boy smiled back.

"I'm Merlin," he said, "I live across the hall."

"I'm Arthur," Arthur replied and held his hand out. Merlin took it and Arthur felt a shot of electricity run through his arm. He had never believed in love at first sight but maybe this was it.

"Have we met before?" Merlin asked, shaking his hand, "I swear I've seen you before."

"No," Arthur replied, letting himself hold Merlin's hand longer than necessary, "I don't think so."

But he too had that nagging feeling. Merlin seemed very familiar.

"Maybe in a previous lifetime," Merlin laughed.

"Yeah," Arthur said, staring at Merlin's blue eyes, "Yeah, maybe."

* * *

><p><strong>I can't believe it has taken me this long to finish this! I am so sorry for the people that have been following this, but my life has been unbelievable busy the last couple of months. <strong>

**So this is it, the end. Thank you for everyone that has read and reviewed :) The reviews mean so much to me. **

**Just in case you were wondering, Edward is named after King Edward VI, and I was originally going to kill him off and have some more Merlin angst, but writing this story was taking too long and I would probably would have ended up rushing it and it would be more terrible then it is now, and I think Merlin and Arthur deserved a happy ending after what I put them through.**

**Anyway, thank you again for being so patient and reading this. Please review and tell me what you thought of it.**

**Nuk. **


End file.
